Life or something like it . . .

Why I'm thankful this year ----> My Little Big Brother

2011-11-21T09:34:00.000-05:00

2011 has been a whirlwind of ups and downs. Without question, the most difficult pill to swallow was the passing of my only brother, Bobby. A few days after Christmas 2010, we learned that he had a brain tumor that turned out to be cancerous. Something called a glioblastoma. It affected his mobility and coordination which would be difficult for anyone to watch but my brother played basketball all of his life so this was an humbling course of events. However, he never let it break his spirit.

In January, about a month after he was diagnosed and the same week he began chemotherapy, my sisters (Tonya and Racquel) and I took a road trip to visit our baby brother. He's older than Racquel and I, but because he's the only boy he's always been like our little brother. He's 19 years older than I. I just noticed that I'm talking about him like he's still here. In some ways he is.

Anyway, we went to see him while he was at John's Hopkin's (one of the best neurological and cardiology hospitals in the world). Seeing him in a wheel chair was difficult but watching his physical therapy and speech therapy sessions was even harder. Simply because he'd begun to regress to a child-like state. Slowly, but noticeably and he needed us.

He stayed in Maryland until June. Married with children but alone. My parents made their trips to Maryland as frequently as they could and eventually his doctors were disheartened with the lack of involvement with his immediate family (wife and grown children) because he needed to be taken care of. Almost completely immobile and on a host of debilitating medications, they sent him to us. His job chartered an ambulance to drive him from Maryland to North Carolina in June. Which was probably the best gift we could have ever received.

I remember the EMS truck pulling in to the drive way. I wasn't sure what to expect because I hadn't seen him since March. Two young men hopped out of the truck and opened the back of the truck and wheeled my little big brother out on a stretcher. He was extremely swollen from the steroids but his hair had started to grow back a little since his first cycle of chemo had been completed. They sat him on the sofa and asked me to sign to indicate that they'd delivered our precious package safely. I thanked them and they headed back to Baltimore. "What's up, Ash!" He said and extended his arms to embrace me. He always attempted to stand to hug us but didn't have the control in his limbs. At 6'7" that's a whole lot of man to support. I pushed him back on the sofa and embraced him, asked him how he was feeling, and he said he was hungry (as usual).

That month seemed like years and I'm so grateful. He knew he didn't have long but he didn't want us to know. Every day he wanted to do something. "I can't sit in the house. I want to go to Sam's! Let's have dinner at Moe's tonight, Ma! Let's go get some steaks and throw them on the grill!" My mother would set the steaks on the kitchen table and let him season them from his chair. We never wanted to strip him of all of his independence and he always loved to cook.

We'd made plans to have a HUGE family Fourth of July cookout. It fell on a Sunday this year. It's so surreal how short life is and how precious it is. That Friday morning he called a few times, wanting to go out to breakfast and to Sam's to get all the food he wanted to have for our barbeque. By this time, my parents had found him an apartment around the corner from their home. They were basically living with him but he wanted to have his own place. I remember he called about three times back to back. The fourth time, his son called and said he was unconscious and from that point the world started to move in slow motion. In about ten minutes time (between the third and the fourth phone call) our lives changed in an instant. As they wheeled him out of the apartment and into the truck, my mother whispered, "I love you, Yorkie," in his ear and tear ran down the side of his face. Even though he was unresponsive, that was the last sign of life we were given.

About an hour passed. My dad left in the ambulance with my brother's lifeless body while we all stayed behind. After the longest hour of my life, we all caravanned and made our way to the hospital. We hadn't heard from daddy and were getting anxious. He'd left the hospital to meet us at home. He didn't want to tell us over the phone. By the time we all realized where he was, we were at the hospital, daddy got back there a few minutes after us and told us all in the lobby of Wake Medical Center's Emergency facility.

It's hard to say his passing was sudden because he knew all along he didn't have much longer with us but it was sudden for us because we had just started feeling like a complete unit again. He always lived so far away from us (Minnesota, Texas, Wisconsin, Detroit, Spain, Turkey) and it felt like once we got him back he was taken almost immediately. At least that's how it felt.

This week we celebrate why we're thankful. We sit around and we eat and rejoice about who we have in our lives and how we appreciate them. Thanksgiving was my brother's absolute favorite holiday and I'm thankful that heaven gave my parents, my sisters, and I the opportunity to care for and love my brother in his last hours, and that he knew we loved him. He never had to look for us. He needed us but we needed him just as much. And as his days slipped away, I'm so thankful that God gave us his last breath.

A few weeks after he passed, I went to the hospital to get his medical records. I read through it and it said, "Immediate family at his bedside". Those few words will always mean the world to me because we were given that last moment. And not just this Thanksgiving but for every one that I'm afforded the opportunity to see.

All I ask of those that read this, is to take inventory of the people in your life. The ones that matter, the ones that need you and that you need, the ones you take for granted, and the ones you couldn't imagine being without and if you can't think of one thing to be thankful for.... Be thankful for that....

Happy Thanksgiving!

He's Preparing Me ----> All Grown Up

2011-10-10T10:51:00.000-04:00

I’ve definitely reached a point in my life where I know what I want. Or at least I have a pretty good idea what I want. My needs are better suited for God to sort out. I do believe, however, that he has a knack for intertwining wants and needs if they’re so suited to be…. Intertwined. In this case, of course I’m talking about RELATIONSHIPS.
I’ve spent the last year determined to purge myself of every relationship that was out of the will of God. Things I knew had no possibility of flourishing or prospering because they weren’t God ordained. God has a way of weeding out the unnecessary, unhealthy, and ill-gotten things that we try so desperately to cling to.
After the last time I made a poor relationship choice, I opted to really take the time to get to know who I had become. One of the first things I learned was that, when you are constantly in a cycle of relationships you have very little time to see yourself change and evaluate those changes.
Every situation brings about some type of interpersonal change. Whether it be a resolve to not take or tolerate certain things, think before you act, “make them wait”, take it slow….. you’ve changed and the change can almost always be attributed to a situation or relationship that caused you to think that way.
The time that I’ve taken for myself has REALLY opened my eyes to not only what I want but to what God knows I need. I used to think I took time for myself after a break up when I’d sit still for a month, meet someone and continue the cycle. It’s been a little over a year and my God it feels good to actually be rid of all of the junk and baggage. Like really be rid of it. Not to feel all of the old feelings and hurt feelings when you hear someone’s name or see their face. I’ll elaborate in a minute.
The last person I attempted a relationship with was so far away from who God has ordained for me that God’s ripping the situation from my clutches was more painful than I can remember anything else being. BUT once my hands were off of it and God really showed me the person and their motives and THEIR baggage, I had the Oprah Aha! Moment. I remember asking myself early this year, “Is that really who you’d want to be the father of your children? Would you be proud to call him your husband?” And those two questions sealed the deal.
Lately, I’ve been praying that God prepare my heart to be a wife. It goes far beyond just wanting to be married. My desire to know God has increased. My desire to pray has increased. Not because I’m praying for a man but because the man that I know God has set aside for me, needs a praying wife. I find myself changing in lot of ways. From my saving habits to my housekeeping to planning ahead and the list goes on.

These habits were just things that kind of developed over time. As I started to evolve out of being broken and becoming a whole woman, my desire to be a good wife and to prepare myself NOW increased.

Now earlier I’d mentioned I wanted to elaborate on feelings arising when you hear someone’s name or see them or they hit you up on Facebook. I used to get really, really weak mainly because I never ridded myself of the person and I liked the idea of being in a relationship. Go back through some really old posts from this blog and you’ll see what I mean. I used to get so wrapped up in the thrill of it all that I almost missed what God was trying to teach me and who he was trying to give me.
It’s funny how the enemy waits for you to make a declaration so that he can build road blocks to keep you from your destination. Last week, I’d say for the last two weeks I’ve had three people that I used to date pop up. If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen this tweet but they were back to back to back. One of the men had called himself “The One for me” which I quickly shut down. Another requested to see me and I said “no” LIGHTENING fast. The last one, wanted to feel me out. To see if I’d ask about his life now. My plans for next year. I think he said he wanted to check on me. I think what was most enlightening about all three encounters was that I didn’t flinch. I didn’t pacify the situations and I didn’t act retarded and pretend it was God sending them back to me. Oh and I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve done that ☺ I guess another thing that I’ve learned to do is turn up the voice of God and tune out distractions like those three. And if you know anything about Biblical numerology that number three means a lot.
I’m not sure why I felt the need to post this. I think deep down, I’m closer than I think I am to being introduced to my forever. Closer than I realized I was. And I know God doesn’t give you your past and disguise it as your future. So in the mean time, in between time, I keep preparing and who knows…. One of these days you may get an interesting post about destiny, love, love and forever being fulfilled.

The Good In Goodbye

2011-06-26T07:50:00.000-04:00

The Good in Goodbye

It’s Sunday morning and I literally just got through practicing yoga. Feeling charged and ready to head to church for some good teaching, I couldn’t help but feel a little different. For the past nine to ten months, I’ve been struggling with some internal things. We all know that I seem to be the queen of misguided relationships and since last summer, I haven’t really had a desire to be with anyone. I guess it really takes that last kick in the gut for you to throw your hands up and say, “I’ve had it with relationships.” However, thankfully, I hadn’t reached the point of saying, “Jesus is all I need.” He’s amazing but I know He wants more for me than that.
Anyway, for the past few months, I’ve clammed up, built the second wall of Jericho around myself and turned off my emotions. As the months progressed, I gained weight a little weight, I stopped doing things that I’d ordinarily do and my writing began to suffer. I thought it was because of my hurt feelings but then about a month ago, I went into the bathroom and peeled off my clothes layer for layer and stepped into the shower and had the most enlightening conversation that I’ve ever had. I did very little talking and a whole lot of listening.
In a very soft voice, God whispered to me, “You’re not yourself. You don’t feel like yourself because you’re not yourself. You’ve given up a lot. You’ve allowed yourself to become too vulnerable and now you’re scrambling to piece yourself back together but the parts that fell off you never needed to begin with.”
I kind of scowled and whispered, “What does that mean?” He took me back to myself this time last year having taken several months to purge myself from yet another interesting choice in men but I hadn’t taken long enough. I met someone. The idea of a new prospect, excited me and we seemed extremely compatible except for a few issues that were impossible to overlook. Needless to say, things ended the way they always seem to do and I found myself right where I was, talking to God in the shower.
So, I asked simply, “What do you think I should do?” That was the most vulnerable I’d allowed myself to be since October of last year. “First, you were never breaking up with a man but you were always breaking up with yourself. You just would never let go of the parts of yourself that you no longer needed. Instead of finding the GOOD in goodbye, you lugged all the old stuff along with you. In the process you couldn’t understand why you were so broken, so confused, so disconnected from the one person you’re supposed to understand….. YOURSELF.”
Of course, I began to cry and I asked, “But why?”
“You have to fall back in love with yourself again. Allow yourself to say goodbye to all of the bad memories and even the good ones that are attached to those. (Sometimes we can hang on to the good things about a person even though they are the farthest thing from what God wants us to have). Start liking little things about yourself. Learn to respect and cherish yourself, the way you used to.” This part got me, He said, “The Ashley I used to know would never just accept anything and that’s what you’ve started to do.”
I cried but it was a release and I left all of it in the shower to wash down the drain. I don’t know why I felt the need to share this. Most times I write out of personal revelation to help someone that may stumble across this blog. The last thing that I wanted to share with you was this. As my yoga practice came to an end this morning and my muscles are relaxed and my mind was cleared, I whispered to myself, “I feel like a newer version of myself.”
I got a response, of course. A gentle whisper. “Butterflies carry the same DNA as their former self but they never take the cocoon with them on a new journey.”

TRUST and You won't be crushed....

2011-05-24T10:49:00.002-04:00

Good morning or afternoon to you,

I received this story in the form of an email this morning and because it resonated so intensely with me, I wanted to share it with whomever needed a little encouragement this week.....

Trust and You Won't Be Crushed

By Lisa Crum
Scripture Of The Day: "But the Lord God keeps me from being disgraced. So I refuse to give up, because I know God will never let me down." - Isaiah 50:7 (CEV)

It was just at the edge of dusk, 6 months ago this evening, when I woke up to find that I was lying flat on my back on the cold pavement. I remembered seeing the dog run out in front of our motorcycle, and I remembered us bracing and hitting it, then it was like being tumbled in a dark clothes dryer.
There hadn't even been time to be scared, much less avoid the impact. How long had I been unconscious? Someone had already stood up our motorcycle, and a couple of men were looking through the tour pack for some ID. I could see out the corner of my eye that Dana was lying about 10 feet away from me, but I couldn't hear him speak and I couldn't see if he was moving. People standing over us were saying things that indicated to me that we were both bad off.
At first I couldn't even talk, and it was so hard to breathe--I suppose from having had the wind knocked out of me. My helmet was shattered. Later I would find that I had a basal skull fracture and a fractured bone in my neck. I vaguely remember a woman holding my helmet and talking about how messed up it was. Someone commented that my head was bleeding. I wanted to go to Dana but I couldn't get up, and they were trying to keep me still so they could put me on a backboard. My arm was twisted over my head and I thought it was dislocated, but was told later that the shoulder was broken in two places.

In the midst of the confusion and the excruciating pain, for a brief moment it was as if the noise was muffled enough to hear, quite clearly, the Lord whisper just one word to me..."COVENANT." And in that moment, I knew exactly what He meant. I began to cry and say, "Thank you, God, for rebuking the devourer for our sakes!" A peace I can't even begin to describe rested on me, one that would get me through the longest night of my life.

We were airlifted, one at a time, from Williamson Memorial to St. Mary's. My stepson Coby held my hand and coached me to breathe in sync with him while they repositioned my broken shoulder. Then as I lay on a gurney in the hallway, a doctor came up and with no expression whatsoever, told me, "Your husband is unconscious and has a brain bleed. His brain has begun to swell. We'll do what we can." With that, she turned and left. I had to make up my mind right then and there...am I going to trust God or am I going to collapse under a weight of fear? I chose to trust God, and that's what I said out loud to her back as she was walking away.

For just a little while, they wheeled me into a holding room with Dana. He was lying there, eyes closed, not moving. I reached my fingers through the bars on our gurneys, gripped his hand, and prayed for him. Looking back now, I wonder whether the doctors might have thought he was going to die, and they were giving me a chance to say goodbye. But I spoke to him this Scripture which came to my remembrance, before they wheeled us in two different directions, "(You) shall live and not die, to declare the works of the Lord." (Psalm 118:17)

There are those times when we have to choose to believe, or be crushed under the weight of despair. And there are times when we can't just think it or hope it...we have to hear ourselves say it.

Dana spent 82 days in 3 hospitals, couldn't even swallow an ice chip for the first 43 days. He lay in the ICU trauma ward for 17 days comatose and running an insanely high fever. He had multiple fractures and a brain injury, but when Satan tried to take him out, God drew the line and said, "No."

Though it's been a physically and emotionally exhausting 6 months for both Dana and me, we have not lost our joy and we have not lost our love for life and one another. God has been so good to us. I'm telling you, friends, you need Jesus. You need Him, your marriage needs Him, your family needs Him to carry you through times like this. Covenant relationship with God doesn't mean you'll never face difficulty. It can, however, mean the difference between you surviving or being mowed down by the enemy.

Sooner or later, we all have to face the most difficult time of our lives. Are you prepared? God can keep you from falling apart. I can say that because, six months later, Dana and I are still held together by the duct tape of God's wonderful, saving grace. Even these fractured pieces form something beautiful...like a prism of glass that scatters light in every direction, testifying that truly, love never fails.

God's Love

2011-04-21T09:54:00.005-04:00

Hello beautiful people!

It's a beautiful April day and I'm sitting on the sun porch meditating on a few things. Two passages of scripture were dropped in spirit this morning just sitting here and I just wanted to offer a little encouragement. I rarely do this but I'm transitioning into a new season in my life and am finding that God's love, grace, and His voice are the only things that are consistent and "sturdy" enough for me to lean and depend on. Sounds a little cliche but be that as it may, it's my truth. I guess I'm growin' a little. lol!!! Anyway, the next eleven months are sure to be taxing with me moving out of my apartment in a month, preparing to relocate next spring, going back to school and start a new chapter in my life, I've allowed myself to slip into worry and stress mode. For the past four months, I've found myself asking God almost everyday, "How am I going to do this?" If you look closely you'll see the error in my question. Mainly because I won't be doing anything. My level of trust has increased greatly since I've turned off the cell phone and the radio and the television and just listened. And of course, when God chooses to be "quiet" he always puts something in your way to get your attention. Which brings me to what I wanted to share with you all this morning.

First, I was led to Phillipians 4:6-7 (New Living Translation) - Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

So just in case there's a worry wart out there (like me) who tends to look mostly at the impossibility of a situation or the negative things that seem to obscure the beauty of God's goodness..... this simply stated, is giving you the command to put the negative things out of your mind and think on all things lovely and beautiful. And what's more beautiful than God's love? (John 3:16) And by the way, His specialty is the impossible! Just FYI.

Lastly, I often find myself getting a little wrapped up in the idea of, "None of the things that I wanted to happen to by now have happened! When are you gonna do it for ME, God?" His answer?

Phillipians 1:6 (New Living Transaltion) And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

My Pastor always says, "If God made you a promise, that deems you immortal until He completes it." Basically, all my Pastor is saying is it's impossible for God to lie or make you a promise and allow you to parish before He makes good on what He promised you. There's no way that He can place something in you and have it not fulfilled. His Word will never return to Him void. (Isaiah 55:11) Therefore, if He said it, He's obligated to do it. His words not mine! :-)

So as the events of this weekend get closer, don't meditate on the light bill, tuition, car notes, overdraft fees, or hurt feelings. Think on the beauty of God's love. Love in its purest and most unadulterated display. The ultimate sacrifice.

I love you guys and hope this little post offered some encouragement or eased a little stress (at least for today).

Be blessed!

The Uncultured Culture

2011-02-25T09:27:00.001-05:00

Last night I had the experience of a lifetime. It seems as if I’d been holding my breathe for 24 years and was finally afforded the opportunity to see The Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre up close and personal. My mother had seen them and one of my sisters had seen them (twice) and I’d resorted to immersing myself in the company via DVD and Youtube and if the heavens opened up they may appear on Oprah. However that hadn’t happened in almost six years. I spend about an hour a week looking over the tour schedule and this particular performance lined up with my pockets and I was finally able to go. It was to be held at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
For anyone that doesn’t know who Alvin Ailey was, he was a dancer and choreographer made infamous because of a production he produced entitled Revelations. A series of pieces that connect the struggle of humanity, the weight of living, and it illustrates the ritual of baptism in the African American community. This production opened during the heat of the Civil Rights Movement and the company became famous because it was a completely African American company of skilled modern dancers.
My sister accompanied me to the performance. We arrived a few minutes late (due to an accident) so we, among many other guests, were asked to watch the opening performance on the flat-screen televisions in the foyer. It was still just as moving. I leaned over to her and said, “Even though we have to watch this out here, just to be in the same building with them is such a privilege.” She nodded and kept watching.
I took a gander or two around the vestibule that seemed to be packed with late arrivals. It seemed like an even mix of cultures. More African American and Caucasian than any other culture. However, this was before we entered the theatre.
When the opening performances ended, we were allowed to take our seats. By the time we entered, the house lights were up and the audience was hardly mixed. There were a few of “us” but I was disheartened by the fact that “we” were still the minority at such a performance. I refuse to use the location as an excuse. I seriously could have taken my sisters and my hands and counted the number of African American patrons in the audience. It was bitter-sweet. I relished in the beauty of seeing a predominantly white audience appreciate a man who revolutionized dance during a period where African Americans were considered less than, mistreated, beaten, and excluded. It was amazing to me that his craft had transcended race and obliterated color. So much so that there were two Caucasian dancers in this performance. Remember this used to be a completely African American company.
Even with all of the standing ovations, the encore, and the cheering, I still couldn’t get past the idea that we don’t appreciate our own. I take that back, if the title reads “All the Good Men Are Gone”, “Hips and Lies”, “Mr. Chocolate”, or “Stripper Chronicles” we seem to always be on board. We seem to feed into stereotypes and the parts of us that are beautifully artistic we shy away from. This isn’t restricted to the arts. We had dinner first at a gorgeous Mediterranean restaurant in a very well mixed part of Durham, NC. We were the only people in the restaurant that looked like us. I remember hearing a conversation between Michael Baisden and George Wilborn about a year ago. Michael urged his listeners to stop reading only black authors, seeing only popular black movies. He went so far as to say, “Stop ordering Ranch dressing and chicken when you go out to eat.”
I could go on about this for paragraphs and pages but all I’m trying to say (as Black History Month comes to a close) is that we are such a gifted group people. It goes far beyond rapping and dribbling or hiking a ball. We’ve pioneered medicine, literature, philosophy, and started major universities. Surely we can dig deep enough to support the good in us and not just the stereotypical, token, and EXPECTED parts of ourselves. I’m just sayin’.

Dark and Lovely

2011-02-16T07:37:00.001-05:00

Lately, I’m finding myself to be more receptive to the lessons around me. Here’s a tiny one I learned last night.

It’s Tuesday night and I went through the day thinking it would be just another ordinary Tuesday. Seeing as how, Tuesday nights are class nights for me, I spend a good hour and a half with my girls….. dancing.
Because my group of dancers is growing rapidly, we were moved back into our original dance room. A traditional dance room wide (length-wise) with wall-to-wall mirrors. All of these little details will make sense by the end of this post.

I stood facing the mirror, teaching our newest piece. I don’t face them so they don’t get confused and so that they can watch me if they need a quick point of reference. Anyway, one of my silliest and most energetic girls, eight years old, stood next to me. I was teaching a foot sequence that I had a feeling would be tough for them to pick immediately. I read frustration on her face almost instantaneously, so I took her hand and walked her through the steps and before long she picked it up like her older counterparts.

The song being so high and laced with energy, all of my girls were excited and bouncing around and getting really in to the routine but my silly girl was in another place. The mirrors told everything and I knew it wasn’t the choreography. While her teammates danced and giggled and jumped and played whenever we took a break, she sat on the floor with her head in her hands, legs crossed, staring blankly at her reflection.

Even though I was preoccupied teaching some of my younger ones the same sequence I’d just taught her, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. The hour started to dissolve and I took the opportunity. “Okay ladies, I’m pleased at how hard you all have worked tonight. I’m gonna play the song again and you guys can freestyle for the rest of class.” They jumped at the freedom that I rarely give them but just as suspected my silly girl, sat back on the floor. Head in hands, legs crossed, staring at her reflection.

I called her name. “Come here.” I sat on the floor with my legs crossed and she created a nook under my arm and close to my hip. “What’s the matter? Why are you so frustrated?” I asked her. She rested her head on my bosom and answered honestly (at least from what she’d been inspecting all evening). “Because I’m ugly.”

“Who told you you were ugly?” I asked.

“I told myself!” She fought back tears.

“But why?”

“Because I’m turning nine years old and I am.” It sounded simple but I could tell she was referring to her awkwardness and her bony body.

I gave her a good squeeze. “Are you kidding?” I made her face the mirror again, all the while my other kids were hopped up on Valentine’s candy so much so they didn’t notice our intimate moment. Rather than ask her what she saw, I said. “You must not see what I see. Those big brown eyes and long eyelashes. Look at that dark skin. You’re amazing. You might not think so now but you’re beautiful and I’m gonna tell you every time I see you until you believe it.” I looked at her (in the mirror) and asked, “Who do you see?”

She said her name.

“And what is she?”

“Beautiful!” She answered with a giggle.

Some people that come across this may think to themselves, “What a sad conversation to have with a little girl.”

I look at it differently. I felt privileged as a black woman, who at one point struggled with self-esteem, to be able to instill a sense of value in her. That was breathtaking to me. Value of her skin, her big eyes and long lashes, long gangly legs. Things that she may very well get picked on for now but when she grows into the amazing black woman she’s bound to be, it’s all going to fall into place. This isn’t to say my conversation with her tonight is going to obliterate her struggle with her appearance (she’s so adorable though) but at least it’s a tiny step in the right direction. Maybe this was appropriate for the both of us, it being February and all. I don’t know, I was moved and tickled to death to be able to help her see just a little of who she was and how gorgeous “black” really is.

Tiny Victories

2011-02-11T09:36:00.000-05:00

So it’s 4:30 a.m. on Friday, February 11, 2011. Less than 24 hours before my next birthday and Thursday was rough. I spent most of the day in tears. What with being overwhelmed about major life altering decisions I’m having to make in order to make some dreams tangible by the end of this year.
As most of the country is making some of the same adjustments, I’ve been bogged down with the idea of having to downsize tremendously in order to save money, take graduate school exams, fill out applications, get writing samples together, work on my own writing (for major publishing), and looking for a full-time job to finance it all, I couldn’t take it anymore. The school of my choice will be kept on the hush until I’ve been officially accepted but I know I’ll be leaving North Carolina early next year to make a lot of what I just listed happen.
Anyway, I spent most of yesterday sorting through my thoughts, crying, praying, crying, worrying, and thinking some more. Yes, I know. Worry and prayer don’t mix but I’m working on that.
The hours began to lapse and as infomercials began to filter in to some of my favorite networks, I became more and more restless. Wide-awake and sprawled out on the couch watching NUMB3RS (I’m not a fan but it’s the only thing that’s ever on at this hour).
So I’m lying on the couch, thinking aloud about all of things I used to say I would’ve accomplished by this birthday. I began to wallow in self-pity a bit thinking I’d failed myself and kicking myself for having shared so many of my aspirations with so many people. I mean the questions like, “Is that book published yet?” ,“Well, what’s taking so long?”, “I thought you said you wanted to be a professional writer”, kind of get to you after you hear them enough. I felt like I’d lost.
So I lay there. Mumbling to myself and my eyes widened. I remembered one recent goal I’d made for myself almost two months ago that I’d completely forgotten about.
December 25, 2010 my mother gave me a sexy red dress as one of my Christmas gifts. With all of the holiday indulgence, stress, and such, I didn’t want to try it on in front of her. Especially since one of my family members always seems to comment on my weight on Christmas Day every year without fail. I remember after they said what they said to me, I got all of my parcels, loaded them in the car and left my parent’s house in tears. I don’t usually cry this much but the last eighteen months have been a doozey.
When I got home, still in tears, I took the red dress out of its box and yanked it on. The damn thing didn’t zip. Frustrated, I text my sister and told her my dilemma, pleaded with her not to tell my mother because by my birthday I was going to get in it. Up until 4:00 a.m. on February 11, I’d forgotten all about that cute little thing. Fire red, with black rhinestone detailing around the neckline, just above the knee. The perfect dress for flirty fishnets and the perfect peep-toe booties. Lol!!!

So there I lay on the couch, eyes wide, and I jump up and grab the gift box that I’d forgotten about. I never even hung the dress in the closet. I slipped into my cute little red dress and it zipped (with a little room left in the hips).

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this but I think with how heavy (not literally lol!) I’ve felt for the past few days (and months) and the constant thought race in my mind, I forgot how rewarding tiny victories can be. I think even in that moment of standing in front of my bathroom mirror, twirling and dancing with excitement, I reminded myself that I’m capable of doing anything. No nothing is going the way I planned it but in the end with a little stick-to-itiveness and some chutzpah, all of the things I find daunting and overwhelming can be overcome one tiny victory at a time.

I think in essence, I forgot the beauty of testimony. I just wanted one. I want a story to be able to tell. I take that back, I want an amazing story to tell. It momentarily slipped my mind that amazing stories aren’t born out of minimal trial. I’m not saying I won’t cry again, or get frustrated, or maybe even want to give up. What I am saying is, my little red dress gave me some perspective. I asked God where He was today, He let me know around 4:30 this morning.

Exes, Wine Analogies, Kite Metaphors, and other random thoughts

2011-01-25T09:22:00.002-05:00

Hey ya’ll,

Happy New Year!!!! This is indeed my first post of the year. I don’t post as often as I did when I started this blog but I still love it just the same.
So here it comes. First things first, if you’ve read at least two of my posts (from over the last three years or so) you know I have a tendency to take two or more instances or occurrences and tie them together (hence the title of this post). Second things second, many of you know that I adore the HBO comedy/drama Sex and The City and have a few posts about particular episodes. However, I’ve never posted anything about the episode I’m about to analyze. Thirdly, just listen and pay attention! ☺
Okay, last week I was watching my usual Sex and the City episodes around lunch time and I’m pretty sure I was preoccupied and half listening. The episode was entitled Ex and the City. Anyone familiar with the series knows that Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big had an on again off again relationship for the duration of the series. So much so that he married twice during their off periods. And imposed lots of vexation on Carrie because he couldn’t make the seemingly simple decision to love and be loved. Anyway, this episode happened to be during an off period and Carrie unfortunately found out that Big was engaged. Now this was after she’d attempted to turn their romance into a friendship. He just sprung it on her (over a “friendly” lunch). Of course, she flipped out, stormed out of the restaurant, and had a pity party. But shortly thereafter in the episode she was having brunch with her girlfriends and they began chopping up the idea of exes. With her head in her hands and frustration smeared all over her face, she lowered her eyes and asked, “If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?”
Although my mind was partially preoccupied, I froze and immediately became engrossed in the episode. In spite of the fact that I’d seen it several times. The episode took me back to a conversation I’d had with a close friend two weeks prior.
He and I were talking and somehow we got on the subject of relationships (as we always seem to do) and he asked me if I ever think about a particular person from my recent past. Of course, names won’t be mentioned but because he asked and I’d been keeping things to myself, I began to heave my thoughts about this person uncontrollably until I could find a way to control myself and listen to what my buddy had to say.

Before I stopped though, I said, “I just believe that our separating meant we needed to better ourselves for ourselves so that we can be wonderful for each other. It’s like wine. It gets better with time but only if it’s left alone to ferment.”
He said something that struck me as poignant. “That’s a pretty good analogy but keep in mind, when the grapes are stomped at the beginning of the process, it’s merely grape juice and nothing else. As time passes, seasons change, and fermentation begins to take hold, it’s no longer grape juice. If you want this to boomerang and come around again, expect for things to be different.” There was a pause. Then he said, “Different but better. No longer the immature version of wine or in this case, a relationship. You can’t rush it if you want it to be good.” He put great emphasis on me resisting the urge to make contact. I guess it would be like popping the cork too soon.
Lastly, he took me on a bit of an analytical rollercoaster and said, “It’s like a kite. Of course, a kite is on a string and the more you try to control it the more out of control it becomes and less beauty is seen. But when you gently release and let go, there’s beauty in what’s to follow your letting go. The wind takes over and you lose control of the thing you so desperately wanted to control.”
Sheesh, how in the world do all of these three metaphors align? Well, in Carries case she and Big ended up together. Albeit ten years and two failed marriages later but they ended up together nonetheless and with that separation came maturity and a sense of self-actualization. What they could take, what they could give, what they could tolerate, how to trust, and how to put the negative occurrences in their past behind them for the sake of a love that never went anywhere. It just got better with time. Even in their being apart.
The kite? Carrie and Big both let go and freed themselves so that the situation could mend itself while they mended themselves APART. They both stored their love in the cellars of their souls and waited to pop the cork when they were both at a place of being beneficial to each other.
This may not make any sense to anyone that reads this but if you think about it some relationships are meant to end for good and some end because you’re not the person you’re supposed to be for them RIGHT NOW. You’re simply the immature version of a fine wine. I’ve heard a lot of stories about couples that broke up and years later got back together. Maybe I’m encouraging myself and rambling to appease my thoughts and feelings.
So to answer Carrie’s question, If you love someone and you breakup, and it’s real love, the love is bottled up for safe keeping until it’s literally ready to be what it was meant to be. Not just for you but for the other person as well.
I think I answered my own question and just used Carrie as a scapegoat. ☺ Anyway, I just felt like sharing. I hope everyone has a fabulous week and when something else strikes me you all will be the first to know! Smooches!

Moving Forward... (2011)

2010-12-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

I trust that we’re all enjoying the beauty of the holiday season….. I just wanted to post on last thing before 2010 was just a memory.

The title of this most consists of two words that are used mindlessly and all too frequently in corporate emails. No one really thinks about what they’re saying.

A couple Tuesday nights ago, I was in the process of conducting my last dance rehearsal of the year with my dance team of the most precious little girls in the world. Yes, I’m partial. They range from ages five to eleven and talk about being full of personality. Sheesh! I could be having the worst day and walk into our dance room and they have this way of turning it all around. I guess you can say I’m the play mama to eleven little girls. Hey, at least I can send them home.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is concerning the impending New Year. I’ve said this, as most of us have, every December 31. “This is about to be my year! Things are gonna change this year!” Yadda, yadda, yadda!

I won’t deny that we may mean it for the first few months but things happen, unfortunate relationships take place. We make some bad decisions and we wish we could redo a couple of things. We had poor judgment or used that perfect vision too late (hindsight is definitely 20/20). We can’t discount the wonderful days that found us this year either. We try our best to bottle those moments in hopes that the bad things will be obliterated by good memories.

So at the end of the year we find ourselves weighing the good and bad. What to leave behind and what lessons to carry with us into the next twelve months of promise.

I don’t know about you all but 2010 was a rough one for the kid. I mean rough but I believe it was rough for a reason. I’m hoping those reasons begin to reveal themselves shortly after midnight on January 1st. I’ve been asking God, “Why did you let them do that to me?” “Or Lawd, why don’t I have those testimonies about mysterious money falling into my mailbox.” I could go on and on and on and on……

Well, that’s where my babies come in.

In class two Tuesday’s ago, one of my youngest, five years old, raised her hand as I was giving instructions and asked, “Can I sing you a song.”

I mindlessly, almost flippantly, answered and said, “It’s not time for that right now. Remind me at the end of class.”

The end of class rolled around and of course her singing me a song had totally slipped my mind. The girls were spending the rest of class time preparing decorations for our Christmas party that weekend. She politely raised her hand and asked again, “Can I sing my song now?”

“Yes, sing your song now.” I sat in a chair close to her to better hear her tiny, little voice. She turned to me and I began to prepare myself to hear a song that Dora or The Wiggles or Hannah Montana might sing that I wouldn’t be able to get out of my head for the rest of the night. When she opened her mouth to sing to me, these are the words that fell from her lips.

Not going back I’m moving ahead
I’m here to declare to you my past is over in You
All things are made new surrendered my life to Christ
I’m moving, moving forward
(Moving Forward/Hezekiah Walker)

Yes, I was crying! I guess I gave that long story to illustrate how minimal the past really is. And how the innocence of children can make the most “complicated” adult things seem almost microscopic. The past can’t be undone but if we use the memory and the lesson effectively, it can shape our future in a positive way. I have a really old post entitle TODAY (just poke through the archives. It’s from April 2008.) but don’t waste this year thinking about time lost, what you didn’t do, who you let take advantage of you, who messed with your emotions, who lied, the job you lost, the friend that passed, the loved one that walked away without explanation. Go into this year carrying the lesson and the hope that eventually you’ll get it right and with the knowledge that, in spite of what you didn’t get…. When that clock strikes 12 on January 1, remember you got yet another chance.

I want to wish you all the most prosperous of New Years! I love you all to pieces and can’t wait to see you next year! Be good!

Soul Mates Revisited

2010-09-28T14:15:00.002-04:00

“You only get one. Two tops.”
“One what?”
"True love.”
“True love my a**, man. Love is what you make and with whom you make it. That’s it.”
“Yeah, well. I think I messed up twice. You’d think by now I’d have a little more insight. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what to think….”
“THAT, my friend, is your problem right there. Physics this sh*t ain’t. It ain’t supposed to make sense. Love. Passion. It is what it is.”

Anyone who’s heard this conversation knows that it comes from one of my favorite movies, Love Jones. As many times as I’ve watched the movie and recited the script blow for blow, this discourse stood out to me last night and I began to think.
At first, I began to recant some statements that I’d made in a post a few months back. If you don’t remember, it had to do with the topic of soul mates and a question a friend raised to me about the possibility of such a thing. I don’t know, I think I began to straddle the fence and began hanging more on the side of Darius (the one struggling with having lost the second woman he’d ever loved).

Is it true? Do we only have one (two tops) opportunities in our lifetime to experience the pristine occurance of falling in love and falling hard? The more I thought about it, the more I believe it to be true. Yes, a lifetime is a long time but when it comes to building something lasting with someone, it’s not that long at all. So, if my hypothesis is correct, I guess the idea of a soul mate isn’t that farfetched.

Who knows, a soul mate and a true love could very well be two different things, which could turn this post into another discussion in itself.

But maybe, just maybe…..

What if the heavens opened up and dropped someone wonderful in your life. Like the piece to jigsaw puzzle, it was kismet. Not perfect but you’re perfect for each other.

Now, in Darius’ case, he allowed true love to slip through his fingers because of selfishness and a lack of willingness to work. And granted love is work. Hard work. I always say, it’s easy to fall in love, but staying is the hard part. If you haven’t seen the movie, a year passes and he gets her back. Typical Hollywood ending.

Now I can also relate to Ed’s argument. It’s not rocket science. “Love is what you make and with whom you make it.”
I think both arguments can be married in a sense. You fall in love but it has to be nurtured. Who knows? I’m just “spit balling” or “shootin’ from the hip.” I think it’s a pretty good question though.

I guess my main question is: Are soul mates and true loves synonymous or two entirely different entities?

Love's Timetable

2010-09-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

Love’s Timeline

An interesting summer it’s been. So much so that my approach to love and love politics has drastically changed. The next series of blog posts will be along the lines of LOVE (which is nothing new), love’s timing, love’s appropriateness, and whatever else keeps me tossing and turning throughout the night. These days, slumberless hours are commonplace.
One of the topics that has me by the reigns right now is love’s timing. Yeah, that’s what I said. Believe me, I never thought I’d question such a thing but lately I’ve begun to wonder. Does love ever have bad timing?
It kind of makes sense when you think enough about it.
But to reiterate the question at hand, does love have a tendency to have bad timing? Ashley, what in the world does that mean? How can love have bad timing?
Just think about it. You’re in a position that isn’t favorable for loving another person. You’re tied up with certain life issues, situations, isms, and schisms that have you bound in a way that loving someone else [right now] seems to be too much….
Let me give you all a scenario.
You’re going about your day-to-day as you always have. Life isn’t the best but you’ve promised yourself and the people in your life that you’re going to work through all these “things” before you consider yourself and your own happiness. What we like to call the “brave front.” Then one day you happen to meet someone. Neither of you is looking to date or have a partner but you hit it off. Because both of you have a lot going on, you resolve to remain friends until things blow over (however long that may take). Friendship proves to break down some emotional barriers. You learn a lot about each other - internally and externally – and feelings begin to flourish. Before you know it, love has lugged all it’s baggage into your heart’s front door and you’re feeling things and wanting things that – for a period – you never thought you’d have. Everything is perfect. They may not be perfect but they’re perfect for you. But time….. time is a funny thing. You’re both put in a position to weigh what’s going to happen. If circumstances are extenuating enough, one or both of you has mapped out the next few years (before having met each other) and you or they were never on the map. All that love stuff was supposed to come later. When life slowed down , thinking was easier, and weights weren’t perpetually on your shoulders. So, now what?

There’s a rift. Breaks are pumped. Tires screech and feelings are capped tightly forced to be stunted. Everything wonderful comes to a screeching halt. “Let’s just figure this out. This is too much right now.” Things have to change quickly because this wasn’t in the plan. Time apart? Probably a good idea but love continues to grow. As the saying goes, “Absence makes the heart grow…. Fonder.” So, how do you keep things in perspective? This isn’t wrong but it’s totally not…. On time. The right timetable, so to speak.
I guess my second question would be, if love’s timing is off and you consent to taking time to figure it all out, is it worth the wait or should you keep it moving? Waiting, however, doesn’t imply standing completely still but more or less, living your lives separately until you can live harmoniously together. I know what I think but really want to know what you all think.
Can love have bad timing? And if so, if that love is earthquaking enough, is it worth the wait?

Unfit to Wed - Why Did You Get Married?

2010-09-09T14:02:00.007-04:00

Hello my beautiful readers (if you're still reading this blog - lol!!!),

As you can see I only write when something really poignant grips me or makes me think tremendously and the last couple of weeks have been interesting and trying. I've learned some interesting things about myself, about life, a lot about love, and about how complicated the simplest things can be. I spend a lot of time in my head and it can be a pretty dangerous place. With the way that things have gone emotionally for the past few weeks, I'll be writing a lot more so you guys (hopefully) will be reading some more.

What am I thinking about right now?

I've found myself over the last couple of months repeating to myself and to a few significant people the same phrases over and over. "I know what I have to offer." Or I'll preface sentences with, "As a woman with a strong desire to be married...." I started thinking about that and the fact that I think I'm a pretty good catch. I know that I would make someone a wonderful wife. Not just with the given physical benefits of living under the same roof but with supporting and loving my husband, fighting for him, loving him some more, maintaining a house, cooking, taking care of babies, basically the 24 hour job that a wife takes on when she says "I do." I've come to realize that that's what "I do" means. I do and do and do and do. lol!!!! But I digress.

With the willingness that I've found in myself to be a good wife (this isn't to say that I don't have flaws) but with that willingness, I find so many women unwilling to do all the things I've listed and somehow, wind up with wonderful men. Dedicated men that love their families and stick it out for the sake of that.... FAMILY. With the knowledge that broken homes are difficult places to live.

Why is that? Or is it just me? Am the only one that sees this kind of thing a little more frequently everyday? Men that don't want to go home but have to because they made a promise and because they need to keep a sense of normalcy for the children.

Women that don't speak a positive word to the men they married. Women too independent to do laundry or pick up a pot and boil some spaghetti. Women whose priorities far exceed their address and being at home (especially at a decent hour) is too much to ask. Why is that?

I would venture to ask why the men stick it out but I've already answered that question.

My mother was just on the phone with my brother a moment ago and I was in a different room. She speaks loudly so no matter where I am, I'm always in earshot. lol!!!! But from her tone over the phone I could tell he was upset. She said, "Let me tell you somethin'. Any woman that doesn't adhere to the basic duties of a wife and taking care of her husband's needs, should've never married in the first place." Of course we live in a new era of family but I'm a little old school as far as this topic is concerned.

Granted, people get married for the wrong reasons and I know once children are thrown in the mix things get far more complicated but is there a right way to end a bad thing?

Soul Mates?

2010-06-17T08:54:00.003-04:00

Good morning you guys! I've been on break from dating and even giving my phone number to anyone for a few months. I guess out of the frustration and disappointment of empty promises and relationships on roads to nowhere, I needed some me time. Serial dating had caused me to literally forget my desires for dating. What I wanted out of it or rather who. The break's over (lol) as of very recently but I'm leery and a lot more careful than I used to be.

One thing this testosterone hiatus has given me is bifocals and a hearing aide. I feel I've matured a great deal and my senses have been heightened in a positive way. I know what I don't want but I really know what do want. I can honestly say that I never really did know what I wanted. I knew what sounded good though.

I guess I've said all of that to say that a friend of mine (male) sent me a message this morning. He was on his way to the gym and said that he was thinking about this concept and wanted my insight. I felt so important! (lol). I've edited some of what he said and left the meat of the question. Here goes...

Q: Before I go, let me drop this on you, I'm kicking around this thought in my head about the term "soul mate" wanted to get your take on that. I mean, have you every encountered one? Do you believe it exists?

A: Good morning. Yet another incredible question that I do think a lot about but never really discussed with anyone. (I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy lol) I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to glue the concept together. But in all honesty I do and don't believe they exist. I guess I can begin with why I believe: Well I think once you've fallen in love, really in love. Sickening, selflessly in love, you couldn't see yourself with anyone else. Nothing else matters. The end of the world is your destination and you couldn't see being without your "one true love". They have to be your soul mate. At least that's what the hysteria and irrationality of being in love tells us. But then something happens and we maybe get hurt, love begins to dissolve, and we see things we don't want to see. Who we thought was our soul mate isn't anymore. Which leads me to reasoning why they don't exist: Love is work and I believe it takes falling in love for real AGAIN to really know that. The first time (I can only speak from my experience) you're a buzz with emotion and the notion that "love conquers all" is misconstrued and you think you don't have to put forth the effort to make it last. Love takes care of itself. So I guess what I'm saying is "soul mates" are partly kismet and the other part is strictly what the two people make of their meeting and if they really want their souls to mate and stay together.

So what do you all think? Is a soul mate a soap opera fantasy or are our relationships really things we have to work for?

I hope to hear from you all soon! Love ya!

The State of Black Literature

2010-05-19T16:37:00.004-04:00

Anyone that knows me well enough, knows that I don't just write. I have an obsession with books. Not one of those collect too many and only read a few. I read everything I purchase. My reading isn't always because of interest but because I like to see what people like to read. Because I haven't broken the market yet, I like to be familiar with what I have to contend with.

Monday night, I had a book club meeting and it happened to be at a bookstore. When the meeting was over I stayed behind and poked around in my favorite section. Because, I'm an African American writer, I like to see what my colleagues have been churning out. Needless to say, I was gravely disappointed. I don't want to list titles because said authors are in a place that I look to be in in the near future.

However, it's disheartening when publishers won't give you a chance but manage to put garbage on bookshelves. The title tells the whole story so why would I buy that? I mean really. How many she's a hoe, he's a dog, I'm cheatin', I'm a stripper on the side but I have a family at home crappy novels can there be? When does it end? When do the newbies get a chance to shine.

Starving artist is an understatement. I used to think it referred to lack of money and in turn, a lack of food. That's not what it means. Starvation comes from the hunger of you (the artist) NEEDING your voice to be heard.

This particular entry doesn't just apply to novelists or poets but any artist that is frustrated out of their minds because they know "they've got the goods" but can't seem to catch a break.

You know it's love when you'd you'd do your craft whether you got paid or not but you know it's magnified passion when you're willing to fight to be heard.

That's all I have to say today, guys.

Love ya!

The Black Church's Dilemma

2010-05-06T12:59:00.003-04:00

As a woman (in church) I’ve made some observations. Now, these observations are nothing new. I’ve always noticed this and always vowed that I would NEVER date a man that was in church. As illogical as it may sound, I lived by the reason that I’d get him saved but I didn’t want one that was already there.

Huh? Ashley, that makes no sense. Allow me to explain or first pose a question. Is it just me or does it seem that the men in the Black church are on either end of the spectrum? They’re either promiscuous heterosexuals or feminine and confused. I’m serious and not at all trying to be funny but I guess with 30 getting closer and closer, my desire to have a godly husband to govern over my beautiful family (as figurative as it may be), and wanting to be in ministry with my future husband, I’m purely speaking out of sheer frustration.

I was raised in church. Both my parents were devoted to raising us to love God and to (no matter how much we hated it) learn to love church and to build our relationships with God. However, we stray and are determined to find our way in our own way and I dated nothing but “unsaved” men. Not simply because of my lifestyle but because I couldn’t see myself with that type of guy.

You know the ones. Let me give you some examples. Eyebrows arched. Dressed better than me (and I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of fashion). Around nothing but feminine men or a boatload of flashy women. Hands like cotton and he has little to no aggression with approaching a woman to let her know that he’s interested in her. Here’s a better example: When you’re talking to them you have to catch yourself from saying “Girl”. Am I the only one? “girl, let me tell you!” It’s this or the men in church who find the weak-minded women, the ones they can manipulate, turn out, and leave high and dry.

As badly as I hate to admit it, single and saved Black women are at a loss. The men in many of the Black churches are not interested in us and we don’t have white women to blame in this scenario. No, no. We have the other men in the congregation to contend with. They’re the ones that get the men. How disheartening is that? A church full men and void of men at the same time.

Since re-dedicating my life to the God I love, I pray daily that He continues to work on my husband. I pray for our disadvantage. I pray for the shortage of men in church. I pray that God breaks the bond of confusion that has the minds of our men. Now this is only for the women who seek a godly man to love God first and then to love them. It hurts my feelings every time I see it.

Both my sisters are married and one of my sisters recently admitted to me that she never thought she’d get married because of this dilemma. She knew she’d be single because Christian men aren’t interested in Christian women. They don’t seem to be interested in women period but I digress.

I know that God has something and someone wonderful for me in the near future and my hearts cry isn’t simply for me but it’s for all my single sisters in Christ (and even the married women in Christ who later learned what they didn’t want to about their husbands) that we all receive the desires of our heart. A man that loves God and loves his WIFE as well.

New Amerykah Pt 2: Return of the Ankh

2010-03-30T14:51:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I did an album review and I'm nothing close to a music guru but I know what I like. I've been anxiously anticipating the the second installment of New Amerykah since the first one was released two years ago. If you aren't familiar let me give you a briefing. New Amerykah Part 1 4th World War, to me, is strictly funk. Drawing from the legendary inspiration of Parliament Funkadelic and Jimmi Hendrix. The second installment, however, is nothing but soul. It's hard to critique something when I'm partial to the artist. Everything she's ever released is in my collection and if you're a true fan - as I am - I implore you to download or pick up a copy today!

Window Seat is the first single (released on February 5, 2010) and I've attached a link to the official video. The message is insane and the song is.... Just listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jF-AKFAtQQ8

My favorite track so far (aside from Window Seat) is Turn Me Away (Get Munny) on which she brilliantly samples the classic Notorious BIG song "Get Money."

All I can say is this just might be the sound track for my second book. Perfect chill music. So if you were wondering if it was worth it to purchase the answer is DOUBLE YES!!!!

P.S. If you download the album you'll get the bonus track Jump Up in the Air (featuring Lil' Wayne and Bilal)

Thanks for reading.....

Visually Displeasing

2010-03-25T23:01:00.002-04:00

So today was another rough "beauty day" to say the least. I felt okay at first. Mainly because I spent majority of the day around infants and their biggest concern is either their next diaper change, bottle, or why-in-the-world-haven't-you-picked-me-up-yet? My hair was pretty much the last thing on my mind. Then I went to church this evening and came home and most of my twists in the front had unravelled. I have pretty soft hair so this is to be expected. I mean, yeah it's been two weeks but my patience is being severely challenged. I guess it's true what they say about us living in an instant generation and society. Everything has to be right now and automatic. Process is foreign to us and this process (for lack of another word) is trying.

I love the encouragement and the connection that I feel with other people with locks (whether they're newbies or seasoned) but this first two weeks has been rough. I do not feel attractive. No matter what I do, how much make up I put on. Sunday my hair was doing what it wanted to do so I decided to put on the most frilly, girly frock I could find in my closet just to feel the way I'm used to feeling and it did nothing. Although I received many compliments I still felt awkward and untamed. It must be all over my face because yesterday, I was in Trader Joe's and a young lady in the elder stage of her journey smiled at me as she took the shopping baskets back outside. When she returned she asked me if I needed a bag and then asked, "How long have you had your locks."

I chuckled and answered, "Almost two weeks."

And she replied, "I know this is rough but you gotta go through it. I promise it's gonna pass and it's gonna be worth. But it suits you."

I smiled and asked a few questions and headed on my way. I felt good for the moment but I find myself staring at myself all the time. Excited about the end result but not thrilled about what I have to do to get there.
As I'm typing this, I'm getting a revelation and am looking at this far beyond my hair. I'm being taught some things and it's really uncomfortable but as the young lady said, "It's gonna pass and it's gonna be worth it."

I don't want to call it the ugly stage. It sounds demeaning. Almost as though I made a mistake. But what seems to be more ironically appropriate is the grooming stage.

Ironic because, I look unkempt by my standards but am being groomed for something much bigger than long locks. If I can sit through this process then.....

The Long Lock Walk

2010-03-22T12:54:00.002-04:00

I've never been so excited and so terrified in my life. I guess now I kind of have a feel as to what my wedding day will be like. Jitters and the preoccupation with the way I look. Wanting everything to be perfect and wanting the forever journey to be RIGHT NOW. I guess you can say I've already performed a sacred union. I'm married to my hair and we've started a beautiful relationship. I mean yeah, it's only been a week but I've learned a lot about myself.

Lesson number one was my level of vanity. Yeah, I'm a tiny bit vain. But aren't we all? Don't we all struggle with acceptance, wanting to look a certain way, blend a certain. I've always been a bit of a "sore thumb" as far as personality and interests are concerned but this is my HAIR!!!!

One of the most truthful things I've heard in the past seven days is, "Wow, that takes courage." Mind you this fell from the lips of a sistah that looks like me and was born with hair curled tightly like mine but she'd just made the decision to alter its behavior. I remember being like that. I remember being natural and not being as comfortable with it as I pretended to be. Things have since changed.

I've developed an uncanny obsession with my natural hair. The way it feels. The way it responds to these starter locs (or nubs as I like to call them). I've fallen in love and I'm finally loc'ed up and free. Pun absolutely intended.

I get tickled about the fact that I've started locs around the same time that I want to settle down and meet my husband. "Who in the world wants to take Buckwheat on a date?" I asked myself on the second day that I unveiled my babies. But to my surprise, my "courage" has become captivating somehow and I've learned that any man that is disgusted with the way that I've chosen to nurture my hair isn't the father of my children. It's just that simple.

I wake up every day, more and more in love with the process. Although at first I thought I may have lost my mind, I quickly remembered everything that I've heard other loc'ed individuals profess. "The Buckwheat phase is short lived. You'll be surprised how quickly it passes."

So that's what I'm holding on to.... and I'm loving this....

I'm finally committed to who I was made to be and what I was made to look like and I'm proud of it.....

Until next time....

Love, love, love

It's Cake

2009-09-16T09:44:00.003-04:00

"So you like him. You genuinely like him." Yes, it's still very new. Yes, majority of my posts are about my serial dating. It seems almost ritualistic when I think about it but I digress.

I have the best coversations with the woman that runs the building that I work in. This morning, after returning my office key to her she stopped me and we got into a conversation about a gentleman I'm seeing. She's met him and she likes him. As do I. But I mentioned how I have a tendency to rush when it comes to relationships. Enthralled in the hooplah that makes relationship an ornament of perfect imperfection. Let's face it common sense is the enemy of romance. So she looked at me and she said, "Ashley, he's been up front with you about being driven, career oriented, and very busy at times. It's still very early. It's only been a month and a half. Don't ice the cake too soon."

You all know that I love a good analogy and that's the best one I've heard in a while. Any of us that bake on occassion know the consequences that follow putting sugary icing on a warm cake. The surgar melts, the cake starts to fall apart, the icing slides off. And what are you left with? One big, gooey, mess. Totally been there.

But when the time and attention is added as the main ingredient.... mmmmmm. So yeah I like him. A lot. And I don't want to mess it up. So, I'm letting the cake cool. I can wait. I mean let's face it, the icing is the best part...

Bye guys....

The Beautiful Read

2009-09-04T19:18:00.003-04:00

What it do, boo(s)?!?!? Wow! It's been a minute! I say that every time I go on hiatus, huh? *smile* Well, it's been a while but I've been living and enjoying the summer. This is a short and sweet post simply to invite you to join The Beautiful Read. If you've got a Facebook account (and most of you do) type in "The Beautiful Read" and you'll find the group. Of course it's a book lover's haven and each month I pick a book and we read it together. Right now we're still reading The Thing Around Your Neck and we'll be starting something new at the end of September. So, jump on the bandwagon and get some literature in you! It's all about the books that we wouldn't ordinarily pick up at the library or the book store. Basically we're staying away from Eric Jerome Dickey, Terry McMillian, Zane, and the like. All are phenomenal writers but we've got to get out of that comfort zone and that's the plan. So pick up a copy of the book, join the group, and post comments on the group discussion board. Love you guys and we'll see you beautiful readers on Facebook. mwha! Have a happy and safe Labor Day weekend! Until the next time....

BLACKsummers'night

2009-07-08T14:49:00.003-04:00

Well, well, well. It's been eight years since we've heard the melodious sounds of Maxwell's sultry voice and sensual lyrics. Yesterday, July 7, 2009, BLACKsummers'night was released.Can we say, "Well worth the wait"? Maxwell hasn't skipped a beat and his style is right on track with where he left off eight years ago with NOW. His first single, Pretty Wings, made fans anticipate this release, the first installment in a trilogy of new music from the artist. The second single has been on repeat for most of the day. Bad Habits is an ode to the oh-so-familiar addictive, unhealthy, yet thrilling at times habitual bad relationship. The music is sick, as if we'd expect anything less from Maxwell. Other tracks that I've taken a liking to: Fist Full of Tears, Phoenix Rise, Playing Possum, and Love You. Ummmmmm go and get it. Or go and download or whatever you have to do (just don't dub it!). It's one of those Saturday-drive-with-the-windows-down-and-the-music-bumpin' kind of albums. I'm so in love with this man! lol!!!! Peace out guys!

MJ Moments....

2009-06-29T15:58:00.004-04:00

What's up, guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I fell off for the past couple weeks but ya'll know I love ya! Well, it was like the shot heard 'round the world. It seemed like the world stopped when it was confirmed that Michael Jackson left us on Thursday. Ironically enough, it seems like he may be just a little relieved that he no longer has to deal with being pulled apart and turned into media fodder. We all know that socially he lived a very "unfair" life. Above it all he was a performer to his heart. He bled music and stained the industry. He'll never be forgotten.

So many Michael Jackson songs can be associated with so many wonderful, nastolgic memories. I read a post from Lupe Fiasco today and he said (paraphrasing), "I try to be sad but then one of his songs comes on the radio and I start singing along and smiling again." I couldn't agree more. So for all the MJ fans that may come across this post or those of you on the readers list, let's hear it.... FAVE MJ SONGS/MOMENTS -->>>

My fave songs:
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
PYT
Rock With You
Off The Wall
Butterflies
Remember the Time
Smooth Criminal

I could go on and on. Feel free to share. Peace out!!!!

Get Lost! - Testament of Humanity

2009-06-08T14:00:00.005-04:00

Those two words may sound brutally abrasive and mildly aggressive but those two words have new meaning to me. I came across one (of many) incredibly gripping lines at the tale end of the book that I just finished. The main character is dealing with some internal and external situations and decides to take a sabbatical from people. You've got to read the book to really understand her need to do this. In the process she finds herself.... finding herself. I was very emotional reading the last two chapters. Mainly because I identify with her on an emotional and relational level. As the book drew to a close she said, "You have to lose yourself to find yourself." This is when the tears began to flow and I kept repeating that over and over again to myself. "You have to lose yourself to find yourself."

We've all found ourselves lost in love, financial hardship, emotional detriment, bad friendships, abusive relationships, careers, heartbreak... We get lost. It's called HUMANNESS. The trick is to not stay lost. Getting lost is the first part. The necessary part. The first necessary part of the process. If you don't get lost, there's nothing for you to learn or... find. You don't want to get lost so much so that you can't find the true you - the beautifully human you.

As I sat here typing this, I thought about something my dad used to tell me long before I started driving. We'd gotten lost on one of the many long roads in Raleigh and I started getting figgity, anxious, and nervous. I don't remember what I said but I'm sure it was along the lines of, "Daddy, are you lost?" or "Do you know where we are?" I'll never forget what he said, "I'm just a little turned around but all I have to do is keep straight. I'll find my way." And funnily enough, he always did.

So, the next time you hear someone say, "Get lost!" Don't get offended... get to work! Get to work finding you. That's all. I hope your Tuesday is fantabulous! Love, love, love!

Love without Resolution

2009-06-08T08:34:00.003-04:00

In light of all of the things that took place this weekend, I still managed to muster a few hours to think about something that's been keeping my mind foggy for a little over a month now. I sat down in my sunroom and immediately my mind went to CLOSURE (in relationships). I came to the conclusion that closure in relationships is a right. Something earned. At least by those that fought through the relationship. Now, if you (or they) were the type of lover that was fly-by-night and really not a solid companion, then you didn't earn that right. But let's just say, thick and thin, high notes and low notes, mood swings and cloud 9's, broke as two jokes or comfortable and happy... you were there. Supporting them, encouraging them, praying for them, loving them. And out of no where things changed without closure. This is what I like to call... love without resolution. When you're denied that right to know what happened and why, the person that denies you of a simple explanation has emmence power over you. Now your rights as a party to said relationship have been deminished to almost nothing. Now you're left to try figuring out what went wrong. If you said or did the wrong thing. You're mind is consumed. Let's face it, it's easier to deal with "I can't do this anymore" or the infamous, "It's not you it's me" line. But when there's nothing said and it's just over, what do you do with yourself? (Question 1) Now, from personal experience resolution-less love only has adverse affects when you did indeed love the person. Now, I know the saying goes, "If you love someone you've got to know when to let them go." I get that...

But here's my other question: Before letting go, is it wrong to fight for a resolution? Even if but to ease your mind...

Just a question... Help me out! Have a good Monday guys!

B.A.A. - Week Three

2009-06-04T10:26:00.002-04:00

Okay... we're (or I'm) on week three of the summer book excursion. I'm on book four and I'm in awe. I've always been an Eric Jerome Dickey fan and he really did it with this one. PLEASURE released April 2008 epitomizes its title. Just a little taste... the main character is warring with her Gemini sign and is finding the war between abnormal and normal desires strangley satisfying and addictive. She finds a "pairing" for the twin sign in an ironic manner and this quenches her raging sexual energy. I'm telling you... this book is eye-opening, very sensual, and an amazing story. Not along the lines of an ADDICTED story of sexual prowess. No, this one takes it to another level. Ironically enough, it's kind of believeable in a strange way. So, if you're looking for something decadent to read by the pool this summer, pick up a copy of PLEASURE by EJD. Insane! It's lengthy but with a full-time job, packing when I get home, and eight hours of sleep I still managed to finish it in no time. Yes, it's that good.

I also received a book recommendation that I wanted to pass along to you all. If you're looking for something a little less risque and a little more inspirational, pick up a copy of THE POWER OF INTENTION by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I haven't read it yet but from what I've been told, it's a great introduction to Dr. Dyer. I'm definitely buying a copy and I'll share my points in due time. I hope all is well with you guys. It's Friday for me so have a rock out weekend and I'll catch ya on the flip!

B.A.A - Week One

2009-05-22T10:15:00.002-04:00

Good morning all,

I'm not sure who is participating the B.A.A. Summer Reading Project but if you are, Friday is the day that we take to recommend books to each other. So, I'll recommend the book that I read to begin the project.

PUSH by Sapphire: A sad yet inspirational story about a teenage girl sexually abused by both her parents. This isn't an extremely long read but it is definitely heavy. I like to call it the urban version of The Color Purple(book not the movie). They're written similarly. PUSH is brilliantly written and the story carries even after you put the book down. My kind of writer! Sapphire has a style similar to Nikki G's in that she takes very simple concepts and manipulates them into metaphoric complexities that really make you think. And what's the point in reading if it doesn't make you think? So, if you're looking for a book to kick off the project (and it's never to late to join us) pick up a copy of PUSH by Sapphire. Amazing read. Who's next?

Nurtured Soil

2009-05-18T10:15:00.003-04:00

Last week I had one of my enlightening conversations. I was talking to someone about a "love situation" and somehow we or, should I say he, likened it to my new found love of gardening and planting and all that good stuff. You'll get the gist of the conversation if you pay close attention to this analogy.

So, I'm growing tomatoes, among other veggies, but when growing a tomato plant it's vital to prune the branches. This makes for more fruit and a healthier fruit bearer, if you will. Now in relationships we have a tendency to try to use the same method of operation. Trying to prune and pluck away the unnecessary so that we can have a bountiful and abuntantly happy relationship with someone else. Not realizing that the focus isn't just on the harvest. It's not even on the seed planted to produce the harvest. The focus should be on what the seed was planted in. If the soil is dry and nurtient starved, it won't bear much fruit but if the plant is transplanted into healthy, rich soil... you get where I'm going. Back tracking to the pruning technique... those branches will grow back. The ones you tried to pluck away. The hurt feelings and sleepless nights. The insecurities and idiosyncratic behavior from past situations will sprout themselves again if the plant itself (YOU) isn't transplanted into nurtured soil.

Okay, so I thought about this for a little while and then began to think, "Well, where does the nurtured soil come from?" Now this is my own personal philosophy but I believe it comes with time spent alone. Composting all of the dead things. Tossing them all together and letting them break themselves down so that all that's left is the lesson learned. And just like with making compost all that's really left after all the "leftovers" are broken down is the nitrogen which causes the plant to grow tremendously. So let's say the lessons learned are the nitrogen in a relationship. I believe that this type of growth can really only take place when you've spent time reevaluating and allowing the "leftovers" to break themselves down. Once the compost is ready to be added to some soil (new relationship) all that needs to be done is the transplant. Now this isn't to say there isn't any more work involved...

I know this may seem very scatter-brained, I tried my best to explain my new relationship philosophy as plain as I possibly could. I guess you could say, spending time gardening has opened my mind even more. I don't think I've thought so much in such a short period of time. lol!!!! I think it makes sense though and I just wanted to give you all something to chop up and chew on for your Monday. So, if you want to leave a comment feel free. If not, I'm sure I'll have something else to say tomorrow.

Buh-bye friends!

Book Addicts Anonymous

2009-05-13T15:40:00.005-04:00

Hello all! Well...I have an idea! Recently, I got fed up with paying for cable and NEVER watching television. So, I decided to turn it off permanently. Well, for the summer... Some of you may have noticed my announcement via my Facebook status' lately. Anyway, I needed something to do to stimulate my mind while the house was quiet (other than music). Now, I've always been a bookworm but this summer I plan to take it a little bit further and read (almost) around the clock. If I'm not writitng and I have nothing else to do, I'll be reading. I even gave myself a minimum. Sixteen books must be complete by Labor Day. However, the goal is to exceed the minimum. So, sixteen books in four months. Sounds daunting, a little lofty, and really exciting. So, here's the thing. I didn't really want to do this all alone. I'm not saying you have to obliterate television like I am but I was thinkin' maybe some of you would like to jump on the book addicts bandwagon and read voraciously all summer long!!!! I mean think about it, you can kick it by the pool or at the beach, on long road trips and vacations, at the airport or on the train, on your lunch break, or just to get in some prime time reading as opposed to watching prime time television. Before you know it, you'll have to go out and buy more books. I have a two book head start. So, we'll say for those of you that want to participate the minimum will be fourteen. Sounds like a splendid idea to me. There are no book requirements. The only thing I ask is that you recommend any books you couldn't put down to the rest of the gang. This way we can bounce books off of each other and... the cycle will continue. I'm excited. Every Friday we'll submit titles worth purchasing and we'll go from there. Tell me what you think! It's Thursday so enjoy it... because I said so!

Love, love, love!

~ME

The "Love is Blind" Thing...

2009-05-12T10:50:00.004-04:00

There are so many avenues and ways to go about pulling apart the old saying, "love is blind." It could mean so many things. Superficial or it could be taken a little deeper than that. We can talk about and analyze that saying for hours... days even. But the other night I was lying in bed reading and came across something that stood out to me. "Love is indeed blind, and it makes you acknowledge qualities in a person that don't exist...." I guess this was interesting to me having been in love and experiencing the ups and downs, I know that I had a tendency to make the person out to be something he wasn't. Mainly because what he wasn't was what I needed him to be. So the slightest sign or taste of the need was enough. Making me magnify his lack and manipulate it into being something positive. Am I alone here or has anyone else been there? When you think about it, it's dangerous to be that impaired, if you will. Vision impaired that is. You can't see the forest for the trees. Clinging to what you want. Falling for "the want" and allowing that to obscure your vision to the obvious. Needs become secondary. Wants are now priority. I posted something similar in reference to a Jill Scott poem "Love Rain" (2/5/09). Remember? "Now me non clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible..." Go back and read it! lol!!!! The tone of that post is similar to this question but not identical. In part, it applies to that "Love is indeed blind..." statement. Packs a punch. I guess all I'm really asking is... what are some measures that you all feel should be taken to circumvent "blindness" in relationships?

Have a "rock-out" Wednesday guys!

Layoff Relationships

2009-05-12T08:47:00.002-04:00

I got a good chuckle when I opened my eyes this morning. Habitually, when I wake up in the morning I slide my phone open to see if there are any missed calls or texts. This morning I had a few and one of them was from a guy that I was talking to a little while ago. Lately he's been trying to get back "in there" and I'm just not havin' it. Typical layoff relationship. Huh? Just listen. First, let's pair analogies. You're unemployed and you're desperately seeking work. I mean, you're beyond qualified and immensely frustrated. You want a good job but they don't seem to be available. So, you settle. You settle for a job opening with a company that has overtly expressed it's lack of growth potential. Oh but it looks good. You'll get some benefits and the whole nine, but not for the long hawl. No this is totally temporary. The pay's good too but still it's temporary. You twist your mouth and think briefly. "I'll take it! Shucks, I got bills to pay!" Now you know good and well that if they don't lay you off in six months to a year that you're going to have to quit them when the right job comes along. Well, that is if you're not too distracted with what has your attention at the moment...

Now, let's liken that to a relationship. You're single and have a desire to be in a relationship. Frustrated isn't even the word for the way you're feeling. All the good ones seem to be taken, but you get an offer. He's good looking. Tall, dark, and handsome. Smells like a dream. We've heard and reitereated the old adage, "Never judge a book by it's cover" but let's face it, sometimes the cover is far more interesting than the content. But still... here you go... "I'll take it! Shucks, I got needs that need to be met!" So you spend time together. Bored out of your mind but it's attention. That's something, right? Uh uh! You know good and well that six months to a year down the road, you're either going to get "laid off" or you're going to have to quit him for a good gig. Well, that's if you're not too distracted and complacent with him to realize the good gig when it comes along. Six months to a year of time wasted that could've been spent getting yourself together for what you really needed. Interesting...

The good jobs don't always start out paying the greatest though. You've got to prove yourself before you can come out on top. But there is definte growth potential there. A future. Now, THAT'S something. Needless to say, I've been ignoring the overt "job" offers I've been receiving lately to avoid being distracted when a "real gig" comes along. I just laughed to myself when I read the text and that's where all of this layoff stuff came from. lol!!!! But it makes sense, doesn't it?

So, I guess I went through all of that to ask a few simple questions:

1) Why do we have a tendency to settle for the layoff?

2)Would you rather be miserable in a "nowhere" or "layoff" relationship or single and "frustrated"?

3)Lastly, have we gotten so used to and complacent with deadend "jobs" that we're intimidated by the work wrapped up in a "job" with a future? (By "job" I mean relationship)

Have a great day guys!

Angry LOVE Letters

2009-05-11T10:43:00.003-04:00

This is another one of my totally random relationship questions but I wanted to ask it...

We've all written at least one love letter in our lives. lol!!!! Don't lie. Even if you never mailed it or never gave it to the person it was written to. You took a moment to get your feelings out on paper. Now with the way LOVE LETTERS are depicted, they're supposed to be gushy and lovie dovie, make-you-sick antics about how head over heels your are for that oh-so-special someone. But is there such thing as an angry love letter? A letter of frustration. Still putting your feelings out there, but the ugly ones. The hurt feelings. The wanna-know-why feelings. Now personally, I believe there is more of an undertone of love in this type of letter. Why waste time writing it if you're not insanely in love, right? I mean let's be real...if you're done with said situation, then you're just done. Case closed. Deuces. Kick rocks. I'mma be about my business. But if you really want to fight with both hands. Closed fists. Balls out. Blood, sweat, and tears on top of tears, writing an angry love letter makes sense. We all know love doesn't feel good all the time. Yes, I know I'm slightly off with my overly-analytical mind when it comes to love and relationships but I just thought about that. I thought it was probing. So, to reiterate the questions I posed...

1) Is there such thing as an angry (more so frustrated) love letter?

2) And if so, isn't the depth of love in said letter deeper than that of the puppy love nonsense (no pun) that we see in the "movie-type" love letter?

Just a question... Help me out!

Balances

2009-05-08T21:08:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted this much since last year around this time but I guess you could say that I'm kind of smellin' myself as far as my craft goes and I'm in a zone at the moment. What I posted last night got me to thinking about one of my favorite poems/poets. My girl Nikki G. She's still as dope as she was when she popped on the scene. Her simplistic style makes me appreciate my own and, to me, this simple poem (title of the post and said poem) is a perfect pairing to what I wrote last night. This is my all time favorite! So enjoy and I'll be back....

Balances
in life
one is always
balancing

like we juggle our mothers
against our fathers

or one teacher
against another
(only to balance our grade average)

3 grains of salt
to one ounce truth

our sweet black essence
or the funky honkies down the street

and lately i've begun wondering
if you're trying to tell me something

we used to talk all night
and do things alone together

and i've begun

(as a reaction to a feeling)
to balance
the pleasure of loneliness
against the pain
of loving you

Nikki Giovanni

What do you do?

2009-05-07T20:25:00.008-04:00

This week has been a thinkie week for me. "Thinkie's" my new word. lol!!! But yeah, I've been thinking and I wrote a few poems this week and one in particular has me gripped right now. You all know I love relationship topics. I love picking apart relationship issues and with the topic of the poem I wrote... you'll get the gist of it when/if you read what I'm about to say. I was putting on my pajamas a few moments ago and started thinking aloud. The question "what do you do????".... kept coming to mind and I added a different ending each time. It started getting heavy. So, I ran to the computer and began typing as the words came to me. None of this is thought out. It's just coming out of me as you're reading it. I've never done this before for anyone else to read but this is a normal practice for me. It's a game I used to play with an old friend and I guess it kinda stuck. I wrote this little paragraph after the paragraph below so... You get to experience one of my favorite writing exercises as it's taking place. I guess now it's called... WHAT DO YOU DO?

What do you when you're hands are tied? When you've acknowledged that you do, indeed want to finally pursue something with someone legitimately and your hands are tied? Tied tightly. When you want to call and you know you shouldn't? Not because you know they're busy but because you've already called too much. Days have passed and your mind is swimming. The last time you spoke wasn't on the best of terms but you still want it. Consumed with "are you okay?" or "are we okay?" When you've never had that mutual "I wanna be with you too" conversation and now that you do have that sitting in your lap... staring you in your face, you run with it. Throwing caution to the wind. You run with that and they run with you. Emotions tied up in someone as equally imperfect as you are. When you let your guard down and hope for the best. The rest is really a mere formality. When you've lost regard for yourself? When your life isn't nearly as important as theirs? Oh here's a good one... when you've dealt with BS (excuse my French) excuses.... you know the ones.... "I was working late, "I ain't have my phone on me" and then you meet someone who gives reasons as to why their availability to you is miniscule at times. Legitimate reasons you don't dare question because their hardships seem far more "real" than yours. So, you try to step back and let some air in. Suffocating on the reality that you've lost complete control. What do you do when you lose control? What do you do? How do you handle all of that and still be okay? Do they come around? Is it really worth it? Was it bad judgement? Or just being hardheaded? Or is it just the way relationship's cookie crumbles? What do you do when you're a wreck and it seems like no one cares but you? When calls go unanswered and your mind is buzzing with what could've happened? Did I miss something? Did I say the wrong thing? What do you do when your vulnerability is no longer an accessory but a part of you? You take it everywhere you go. One simple conversation has stripped you bare and it's made you an open book? How do you handle yourself? What do you do? What do you do when the person that's supposed to understand you the most, the one you're supposed to share yourself with, your best friend, the love of your life makes you wait? What do you do? What do you when time stands still while your mind races echoing the last conversation you had? When you can't imagine your life without them and can't understand why it's all so hard at the same time? What do you do when the reality of relationship gets to be too... "real"? When "goodbye" was the last thing you heard them say instead of "I love you?" What do you do? What do you do when you know your life wouldn't be the same without them but truthfully would be a little easier to deal with. When you feel like you're heard and not listened to? When your feelings seem secondary? What do you do when no one can make you laugh as hard and cry as easily as they can? What in the world do you do? Hmmmmmm....I've been thinking a lot this week. Just figured I'd pose some really random (yet real) questions. Answer any and/or all if you'd like... bye guys! Have a wonderful weekend!

EPIPHANY: Chrisette Michele

2009-05-06T12:51:00.003-04:00

Wow! I haven't done an album review since early Fall of last year. Trippy! Anyway... Listen, most of you know how I rely on music to do what I gotta do (i.e. write!). It's my therapy. So, I'm always up on some dopeness. And yes, the sophmore release from Chrisette Michele is insane. She came back just as strong (if not stronger) as she had two years ago with her first release, I Am. She has that Natalie Cole jazzy vibe goin' that makes her voice one that's timeless and the verbage just was era-less and flawless. So the tracks... I'm themin' the title track right now. Epiphany. Sounds positive but not so much. Well, I guess it is. She comes to the realization that if he doesn't wanna act right, "Hey, why not leave." It's now my ringtone. lol!!!! The next one I'm themin' is "What You Do" - a duet with Neyo. All I'll say is... love is an action word. Not just a feeling. Show me somethin'! lol!!!! Take it as you will. Lastly, we're rockin' "Another One." She's done and she's about to be on to... ANOTHER ONE. "Fragile" is an upbeat track with a solid message. That old school sound she's got coupled with Def Jams nasty production is immaculate. To me. You know I love to spit my opinion and this is my opinion. You need to download this or go to the store and cop it. Don't dub it!!!! Perfect timing! Great summer release... So that's it. That's all. Still listening... Enjoy it! I know I am... smooches xoxoxoxo

Naked Smoothies at 6am

2009-05-05T16:39:00.004-04:00

Hey, ya'll. I recently received some good news and it's caused me to be in a pretty good mood lately. So I wanted to post something silly today. It just popped in my head and I had to run with the post title I came up with. So, what's this awesome news you ask? Well, I'm moving. And this is doubly exciting because I've never lived all by myself. I guess I always thought that it was the roommates that I'd chosen that made living such hell. lol! NO! It's me. I can't live with anyone (at least not another female) ever again in life. lol!!!! It just doesn't work. So, I'm going to be living alone and I'm so excited. I can wake up and yes... walk into my kitchen at 6am and make a smoothie! Clothing optional. It's funny how you don't really appreciate things until said things have been revoked. I haven't "juiced" in months. I rarely have company. I hate sharing my space. Bottom line... I just don't like the roommate deal. The next roomie I have will be my hubbie! lol!!!! Another post for another time. So, I had a little extra time on my hands and felt like being silly and this is what I came up with. I love you guys and you're all invited for a smoothie one of these days (clothing mandatory). lol!!!! Hey, send me a list of other things that I can do now that I'll be living all alone and I'll be sure to do them all!!!!! Love, love, love! Peace out, ya'll!

Forever and A Day

2009-04-07T10:41:00.004-04:00

~I've searched for forever in search of my forever and now that I've found forever, forever doesn't seem long enough~ Ashley McCann

What's up, ya'll? It's almost been a year since I posted that you're about to read or re-read. I remember this weekend like it was just yesterday. I guess it helps that I've been talking about said events with my sister a lot lately. So, I guess in honor of her impending First Year of Marriage (congrats, Mox and Dave) I wanted to repost this... Enjoy!

Finding Forever
Origianlly posted: April 23, 2008

This weeks events have prompted deep thought. My sister/best-friend is getting married to the man of her dreams. I can remember not too long ago we'd sit around and day dream, fantasize, wish, and hope that we'd find the man of our dreams - or how I like to call it . . . Finding Forever. We'd dream of "when". What he'd look like, how he'd kiss, and what he'd like most about us, what he might like least about us. Naming non-existent children, trying on potential last names. Everything. Her "when" is now, this Saturday, and I couldn't be happier for her. But it doesn't stop Saturday at the altar. When the DJ plays that last song, the cake has been ravaged, and everyone goes to their respective places of rest . . . They are left to deal with each other. Forever. Still young and pretty happy with being "single", this still made me think. Forever. That's a long time. But when you're spending forever with the right person, time flies by. I guess you can say I'm in pursuit of my forever. Or shall I say, I've developed a lofty ambition to make myself a forever for someone else. That's the clincher . . .

Selfishness vs. Selflessness

2009-04-03T10:01:00.003-04:00

Happy Friday all! I had this kind of random question pop in my head while I was brushing my teeth this morning. So I'm going to ask and see if any of you are open-minded enough to indulge me with your opinions. So here goes....

Do you find it easier or more difficult to be selfless when you're in love? Or is it impossible to not be inadvertently selfish (at least some of the time)?

I honestly have no idea why I was thinking about that or if it even makes a whole lot of sense but I just wanted to see who could help me out with a little insight. Thanks for the help in advance. Love you guys and have a good weekend....

Yesterday > TODAY > Tomorrow

2009-03-25T09:35:00.002-04:00

I had an enlightening conversation with my cousin/friend last night. We always seem to have these deeply philosophical exchanges. I was talking to him about how my life was beginning to unfold and the changes that were about to occur, things that I was planning to do, yadda, yadda, yadda and as our discourse neared it's end, he said something that immediately made me think of the post that I'm about to - you guessed it - repost!

He said, (and I'm paraphrasing) "There is no tomorrow. Why? Because yesterday is gone, today is now, and what would be tomorrow will soon be today."

I thought it was pretty freakin' deep. So, what you're about to read was posted close to a year ago. The title of said post is pretty self-explanatory and what I like to call simply profound (simple philosphy that makes you think). So enjoy. I shall return.

TODAY -
Originally posted: April 3, 2008

We hear people say all the time, "I’m living in the moment" or "I fly by the seat of my pants" or "I’m not a planner". But what they (or we) don’t understand is that your today is in direct correlation to your tomorrow. What happens today is a format or blueprint for what’s to come. Now, that’s not to put TODAY in a box. I’m speaking figuratively. Today you may misstep, make a wrong turn, or say the "wrong" thing. Lessons learned and those lessons are the formulas that we apply to tomorrows blue print.

Finally... Something New

2009-03-18T20:20:00.005-04:00

I haven't forgotten about you all but I'm reposting as inspiration strikes and bites me right un de.... Sorry that's my bad interpretation of an Island accent but I digress. Nah, I was sitting at my desk today thinking about the very first post that I did on this site. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I'd gone through a great deal my final year in college and I was sitting in one of the computer labs, McNair if I'm not mistaken, a few days before I packed up and moved back to Raleigh. I remember thinking that leaving the city that I'd grown up in (literally) would cause me to start fresh and so out of that I wrote what you're about to read. I doubt any of you have gone back so far to see these ancient posts so to make it easier on you, well, I'm reposting it. Duh! Why am I reposting this? Well, seeing as how I still remember the state of emotionalism I was in when I wrote this and the differences in Ashley as of late, I thought this was more than appropriate. When I went back and read it I kind of laughed to myself. Mainly because when I originally set out to express myself through said post I wasn't really searching for anything new. I just wrote it because it sounded good. LOL!!!! But life has taken some twists and turns that I'm so thankful to God for. For me it's kind of like picking up an old diary and reading entries from years ago and what you're about to read is almost two years old. Wow! I feel like I've aged but in a good way. So, with all that said, give a listen.... Love you guys and I'll be back!

Something New
Originally posted: July 27, 2007

It's interesting how bad life situations have a tendency to infect our judgement and in turn breed cynicism. We find ourselves on the perimeter of something that we once thought should and could be a wonderful experience. Doubtful and defeated, we truck on wondering if that "thing" could ever happen to us and in the right way. When you cry because you love them, not because they hurt you. When you spend the night alone but aren't lonely. And when missed calls will eventually be returned without question. I'm finding myself in this place. A little cynical while at the same time being hopeful that one day . . . that "thing" will be real for me.

She's back!

2009-03-10T22:14:00.004-04:00

Good morning all! I've been asked a few times recently what's been going on with the blog. I always give the same answer..."I've been consumed with my babies (i.e. my manuscripts) and haven't had the time to focus on running off at the mouth about whatever comes to mind." (smiling to myself) But these days things are slightly different. I'm in a different place. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot, and I'm ready to get my cute feet wet again. So, to get the ball rolling I'm going to repost some older posts that you all may not have had the pleasure of reading and by the time we're all caught up... we should have some incredible conversations and topic ideas. I want to take this time to welcome new readers. WELCOME!!!! Just so you know, we're a talkative bunch! (another smile) So here's to good discussions. The kind we're used to having. Damn, I've missed you guys. I'm gonna do better. I promise. So, here goes. Today's topic was last posted close to a year ago. April 3, 2008. I chose this one because I had a conversation with my sister last night and this post popped in my head while were texting back and forth. So, give a listen, leave a comment if you want, and I'll be back tomorrow. YAY! Sheeeeeeeee's baaaaaaaaaack! Love you guys!

Going GREEN Goes Personal:
Originally posted: 4/3/08

So there’s this movement that is sweeping the planet. Everyone seems to be going green. This phenomenon is for all of those tree huggin’ environmentalists (I try my best) that want to do their best to slow the effects of Global Warming. Me, being the overly analytical thinker that I am, decided to look a little deeper into the GREEN MACHINE that is today’s society. I began to think . . . if only people went green in their personal lives, oh what a difference it would make. Some call it green living, others may refer to it as eco-friendly, my personal favorite is compassionate living. The whole purpose of the movement is to eliminate toxicity and live a more earth friendly life. But what people – myself included – fail to do is to do the same house cleaning with their personal lives. Reducing the use or tolerance of toxic friends and romantic relationships is even more bio-friendly, if you will. I’m just as earth conscious as the next person but what happened to being self-conscious? Something that was made to be looked upon as being negative and a non-necessity is, in fact, imperative. Being self-conscious about our surroundings (i.e. social circles), how these circles permeate and influence our lives is necessary to our happiness, well-being, and most of all, our sanity. If the influence isn’t positive, don’t you think it’s time to GO GREEN and take yourself through a social detox?

Love Rain

2009-02-05T20:59:00.003-05:00

Last night (or tonight) I was sitting and listening to one of my favorite poets, Jill Scott. Her first LP, Who Is Jill Scott? - Words and Sounds Volume 1. I got stuck on the track that owns the same title as today's (tonight's) post. Having heard the song a million and three times, something she said stood out to me and then made the rest of the song/poem all the more profound. "Now me non-clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible." I froze for a moment thinking as usual. Damn! To realize how true it is. When we reach that point of love - even if just the foretaste, it seems to make the things we need to pay close attention to, the things that have their arms flailing, screaming "look at me" or "something's not right here," the things that we should heed before getting in too deep . . . for some reason love blinds us to the obvious. Why is that? Now I'm not blaming love for failed relationships or ill decisions or things that went ignored but I do know that I'm not the only one that this has happened to. So, I'll ask again, why oh why do we allow the IDEA of LOVE to blind us to the things that are sure-fire warnings that this isn't . . . good love?

The Wealth of Forgiveness

2009-02-02T21:08:00.003-05:00

I'll do my best to do this without airing too much personal information but I'd been dealing with something for close to six months that I refused to face and this weekend I forced myself to "man up", as the urban saying goes. Before I begin, I wanted to preface the rest of this post with some truth. You all know that I've been working diligently on these two manuscripts and the one that I finished a few days before Christmas centers around the wealth of forgiveness. Often, we as the selfish creatures we tend to be, have the joint tendency of believing that forgiveness only helps those that give it. So, I spent months writing this story with the assurance that people would get how healthy it is to forgive those that wrong us rather than die in bitterness (not a physical death though). With all of that having been said, something wasn't sitting right with me. When I came to the realization of what I needed to do so that I could be a better person, a better girlfriend, and most importantly a better friend, I knew that I'd grown up tremendously since this summer. Here goes. When it comes to forgiveness, I've found that being on the receiving end is just as (if not more) freeing than being on the giving end. It's all one big revolving door that never stops turning. I've also discovered that the unforgiven can just as easily die in the bitterness of not having asked to be forgiven. That's some deep stuff, huh? lol! Anyway, I feel good and the fact that I've gotten what I needed makes me feel like a different person. One that really knows the art of relationship - even if in part. I can say I know a little something. (smiling) And I'm not talking about romance and all that jazz. Friendship is the basis of it all or at least it should be. So, I did what I could to start from scratch and take baby steps in handling what I needed to handle. Our selfish human tendency goes one of two ways. We either say, "Forgive her for what? Do you know what she did to me?" or the other way, "I'm not asking for forgiveness or admitting wrongdoing?" Sounds like something my mom likes to say, you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face. Translation: Pride helps no one. And besides, who wants to live a miserably acrimonious life of prideful disdain? I know I don't. So, yeah I feel a lot better and I'm going to be better in my dealings with people. Especially the ones that mean something to me. So, that's where I am and who I am. Still learning and growing and getting better. This is a good feeling. Have a great day!

Preggers!!!!

2009-01-28T22:00:00.004-05:00

Ummmm, no. Ashley is NOT pregnant. At least not with a human fetus. LOL!!!! I just got to thinking a moment ago. On Sunday I'm dancing to a song by TD Jakes entitled Manifest and the song elaborately illustrates ones pregnancy with the things that have been promised to us, the things we've been gifted to do, and the things that we've toiled and travailed to see come to fruition. So, I was thinking (and still am) about the things that I've worked so hard to see manifest themselves and be tangible in my life. Namely the two manuscripts that I'm working on, true love (even if it's just truly loving ME), and an abundance of happiness (even if I'm not happy for a steady 24 hours - happiness nonetheless). So, I'm still thinking and thinking and curious to see where you all are. We haven't touched bases blog-wise since last year and I wanted to see what you all wanted to see happen for yourselves, your families, and your loved ones by 11:59pm on December 31, 2009. What are your dreams? How do you want this year to roll out? Where do you want to be in 337 days? I mean let's face it, that's all we have left. What are you pregnant with? What baby have you nurtured and cultivated so much so that your time has come to push? I may not get any hits but above all of the deep discussions we've had over the course of the last few months, I think this one is a GREAT one! So hit me back! I don't think it's a coincidence that we've reached the year ending in the number nine - the number of months it takes for a baby to be ready to deliver itself and from a biblical standpoint the number nine represents gifts given (spiritually speaking). So, I really, really want to know! Who's waddling and ready to push out greatness?

Topic Suggestions -

2008-12-27T14:19:00.003-05:00

Hello all! I pray that we all had a blessed and safe holiday. I've been working pretty hard lately but I've gotten some things done! YAY! And I'm ready to get back into our awesome topics. (Only if you all are) So...I'm soliciting topics from my wonderful readers. Hit me whenever and we'll get the ball rolling. I wish you all the happiest and most prosperous of New Years. Nothing like a clean slate.... Be good and I look forward to hearing from you all very soon.

Love at Last

2008-11-24T09:36:00.001-05:00

Revelation is such an invigorating experience. I got the opportunity to look at myself this weekend. I thought that I’d developed an objective view into the hurt that I’d been feeling but in all actuality, I hadn’t. The hurt that I felt due to failed relationships, neglect, and misuse by men was my main focus. Most . . . all of which I, myself, perpetuated. So, I can’t just blame them for what was done. Further more, I won’t dwell on what was done. The motive behind this post is to try as best I can to get what was given to me this weekend across to you all. I came to the realization that I was concentrating so much on my hurt that I’d neglected myself. I saw my hurt but wasn’t looking at Ashley. The two entities aren’t attached. Yes, I wore my hurt but it was merely an accessory. Something that can easily be removed and disregarded, tossed to the side, and if I’m gutsy enough I can obliterate it. Pain looks good on no one and there is no amount of MAC, Bobbi Brown, or Iman that can cover a painful experience after said experience has been put on by the “victimized” party. (Smiling) The dopest part of all of this is that I came to the conclusion that my consistency with attracting men that weren’t able to be faithful to me was because Ashley wasn’t faithful to herself. I’d sacrificed the love that I was supposed to have for me to seek love elsewhere. My nurturing my hurt caused Ashley to lack in so many areas. Areas that no earthly man could ever fill, validate, or make whole. This time around I opted to walk out of the door of “reliving when” and decided to walk across the threshold of “remembering when.” From this point on I’ll always remember. That’s where growth and healing begin. But never again will I relive any of these instances. Talk about freedom. The pity party’s over and done with. My emotional debt has been paid in full. So, as of midnight Saturday night . . . Ashley’s in a fulfilling and drama-free relationship . . . with herself. I’m committed to . . . me. This is a little nerve wracking because well . . . I’m a handful!

Ashley's Confession

2008-11-20T09:06:00.003-05:00

I don't really have a whole lot to say today guys. Well, I haven't had much to say in a minute but this has been on my heart all morning and I know that I'm not the only one that can glean something powerful from the words to this song. These are the lyrics to a song sung by the Christian Alternative band Third Day. The words are very simple but profound, heart-felt and sincere. So this is where I am right now. Be good . . .

Take My Life:

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time you've taken me back
And now I ask you do it once more
Chorus
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to you
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength to
give it away to you Jesus
How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
And every time you've taken me back
And now I pray you'll do it tonight

Barack Hussein Obama - The 44th President of the USA

2008-11-05T14:36:00.001-05:00

As I write this, tears streaming my face and watching two little black girls running toward their father to congratulate him on such an incredible victory, I’m at a loss for words. I begin to recollect the immense struggle that the people before me endured just so that I could experience something like this . . . someone that looks like me – like us - running the United States of America. At 12:00 a.m. Barack Hussein Obama took the stage to deliver a speech of thanks and victory and all I could do was cry. A Black man is the 44th president of this country! Can ya’ll believe that? I mean really. I could pull some deep philosophy out of my bag of words and rhetoric, but seriously . . . there’s nothing I can really say. I’m so emotional right now and so thankful that my little boy can sit in a circle and when the teacher asks what he wants to be when he grows up he can look at her and proudly say . . . “I want to be the president when I grow up,” and can believe it and know that it’s achievable. To be a part of such an incredible benchmark in history – not just Black history but American history – is phenomenal to me. You all that read regularly know that I’m one to really make you think but I think what happened at 11:00 p.m. on November 4, 2008 is enough to think about on it’s own. There’s nothing Ashley really needs to say. I can barely keep still as it is. It’s going to take a minute for all of this to digest but I had to say something. Yo! We just got a Black president! Is that not bananas? Ugh! It’s been a long time coming but it’s only the beginning! Stay up!This is America . . .

The Terrace

2008-10-28T09:27:00.002-04:00

Last night I was sitting out on my terrace like I do every night. For the past week I've had a friend to sit with. I've been talking to the man that lives on the second floor and directly across from me. He's dating my neighbor (who's a sweetheart as well). He's intrigued by the fact that I'm a writer and we've had some pretty awesome conversations. Last night we were sitting and talking and he said that he'd gone to court earlier that day. He's going through an ugly divorce and had to be escorted in and out of the court house. He made several pleas to me. The first was if I really didn't like who I was in a relationship with, I needed to let him go before it even got so far as to what he was dealing with. I told him I understood completely (damn if that didn't make me think) but that's when the conversation got just a little bit more heavy. His children are the products of an interracial relationship. Their mother is Korean and he's white. He began to cry and he went on to explain how he was raised in Manassas, VA where racism was very prevalent but he hadn't been on the losing end . . . until now. Racism is all he sees and it's through the eyes of his children. He started to sob uncontrollably and he admitted to me that he's heard his children called names like "chinks" on the soccer field or he'd be asked ignorant questions like, "Whose children are those? Are they adopted?" Such a heartbreaking yet eye-opening discussion. His final plea to me was to write something that included his children. Something that almost obliterated the ubiquitous nature of race and made us all human and not a color. I promised I'd do so and then he called his phone number out to me and this was the very last thing that he said, "Call me anytime. I have so much to talk about and there's something about you that makes me trust you. We can have coffee some time soon." I agreed and promised to call him this week. Finally he said, "I don't know what it is about you. I know that you're black but I wouldn't know you if I saw you walk past me on the street. I've never seen your face. But I can't wait to shake your hand and give you the biggest hug I've ever given anyone." Because we're always out there after sunset we've never seen each other's faces and I think that little tidbit makes this exchange all the more beautiful. I'm really not sure why I'm sharing this with you guys but . . . . that's my life and I'm living and loving it. It's a blessing the way that I've been given so much inspiration in just a matter of months. I'm writing my heart out and I won't stop until there's nothing left to say . . .

Pandemonium

2008-10-16T09:29:00.002-04:00

Hopefully I wasn’t alone last night while I watched the third and final presidential debate. This one out of all of them – to me – was the most influential. I try but in this case I can’t help but to be partial. I don’t know all of the political lingo like the analysts on CNN, MSNBC, and the dreaded sly FOX News, but I do know that my boy held it down. His entrance epitomized authority. Even the way that he answered questions, keeping his cool while being interrupted and over-talked. I think he did a wonderful job and I really think there isn’t much question as to who’s about to take charge and run this country. I will say that November 4th is going to be a very interesting day. History will be made (and already has been made) but . . . my prayer is no longer “Lord, let the right man get into the White House.” My prayer now is, “Lord, cover him with your blood, grace and mercy.” With only three weeks left on the campaign trail, the pot thickens. The conversations of Americans are changing and the awareness of all of us – even our children – is centered around the state of this country. Tuesday I was in the grocery store and the young man responsible for bagging my groceries noticed that I was wearing an Obama tee shirt. He asked if I liked Obama and then went on to say how he was afraid for his life. I asked how old he was. He was only 17 and wouldn’t be able to vote until the next election. Then I asked him why he was afraid and he said . . . “Well, because the KKK is going to try to kill him. But if I could vote, I'd vote for Obama. I think he's gonna win!” A young white kid and his innocence was what struck me with the bitter reality that our country really isn’t above the race card. So, this (in addition to my other political posts) may sound overly emotional and scatter-brained but I think you all know what I’m getting at. We’ve been given the keys to change. Go to the polls early or on the 4th and do what our ancestors fought for us to be able to do. While you’re standing in line pray for the safety of our future leaders, the state of our country and most of all . . . . pray for change.

Big ups to Ms. Wiggins’ 7th grade language arts students for allowing me to participate in the beginning stages of their political essays. You guys ROCK!!!!

And in closing all I gotta say is . . . OBAMA ’08!!!!!!!

Captive Collective!!!!!

2008-10-15T11:50:00.001-04:00

Hello readers! I wanted to take this opportunity to shout out a group of dope designers. Pretty good friends of mine that have launched a custom tee shirt biz. One of the designers even hooked up a custom shirt for my Libra! LOL!! So check out the site. The address is below . . . it’s some pretty hot *ish. These are my homies so show ‘em some love! That’s all! Peace out!

www.captivecollective.com

FEARLESS - Jazmine Sullivan Album Review

2008-09-29T12:40:00.006-04:00

Finally! I haven’t done a week-in-review album review in a minute and what I’m about to talk about is like the dopest LP I’ve heard in a long, long, long time. Jazmine Sullivan’s debut album FEARLESS is insane. Released last Tuesday, September 23, 2008, I like to refer to it as a woman’s audible journal. Besides the girl having a Kim Burrell kind of flavor (gospel artist), she draws solely on personal experience. It’s not a superficial album that appeals mainly to club mixes and cloud nine love effects that most artists – especially new artists – gravitate towards when trying to appeal to and build a new audience. Nah, homegirl talks about it all. Even though the content is heavy at times, it’s still something that’s a pleasure to listen to. She doesn’t rest on a groove so you have no choice but to listen to the lyrics. The music is “off” and unexpected and the lyrics are genius. Of course, we all know, NEED U BAD, which was built around a reggae vibe but the second single released just recently is BUST YOUR WINDOWS, the opening track of the album. It’s a dramatic illustration of a woman scorned. The track is laced with the sounds of a score from a major motion picture. I’m tellin’ you, I wrote a chapter off the top of my head just from hearing the song once. I’ve since listened to it over and over and over again. Talk about needed inspiration. Jazmine took the high road and decided to illustrate with words while allowing her voice to carry a crazy melody. Between riffs you inevitably recount the things that have happened to you in your life as it pertains to relationships. I may have never busted a dudes windows but damn if I wasn’t talked out of it by my girls! LOL!!!! Some of the other tracks that will keep you listening: MY FOOLISH HEART, LIONS, TIGERS & BEARS, ONE NIGHT STAND, IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN, and my new favorite track (today at least) LIVE A LIE. The chorus says it all . . . “If a lie gon’ get me through, I’d rather not know the truth. If the truth gon’ make me cry, I’d rather just live a lie.” Ugh! And to think, I was skeptical because I just thought this was gonna be one of those dope first singles that left little for the consumer to enjoy once the album was finally released. Not this time. Jazmine Sullivan did her thing! If you don’t have it . . . go cop it! I’m a sucker for a good quote and she did that too. There are a few that I can’t seem to get out of my head.

“Why do we love love when love seems to hate us?” From the track LIONS, TIGERS & BEARS

“We ain’t human without fear.” From the track FEAR

"I'm scared of love 'cause I'm scared he'll leave." From the track FEAR

So if you’ve got any feedback on this newbie, hit me up!

The Weighting Game (Another Ashley Poem)

2008-09-25T13:29:00.002-04:00

Hey guys! Damn I've missed ya'll. Listen . . . real quick. I just wrote this so, tell me what you think and I'll holla as inspiration hits. I'm learning to write from inspiration and not situation. Thanks V!

The Weighting Game

September 25, 2008

Poem by: Ashley McCann

Last night I waited for your call and in the interim I began the weighting game

A solo act to evaluate where things had left me

I thought of you all the while but this inevitably had nothing and everything to do with you

Similar to the time lapsing entertainment of a mind-numbing game of solitaire

I waited for you and weighted solely for me

If I wanted us to really get together, I needed to get me together

The things that I’d put on the backburner – neglected because I’d succumb to something new

Something that left me weightless and I waited

I put that lonely feeling that I felt on and that emptiness that had gone untouched . . .

I draped it over my shoulder

The confusion that a past lover had forced on me, I wrapped that around my mind

The weighting game, no longer weightless because of you

I was weighted because of my past and I waited . . .

I continued dressing and draping myself in all the things that had caused such a rude awakening

The irony – this was the only way to heal . . . to address the many issues that had tainted my capacity to love again

Tainted, yes but not obliterated

To get us together, I had to get me together

So I stopped waiting on you and I weighted on me

I confronted the trust trigger and draped it around my waste . . .

The residue of acrimony crept in and settled where I was . . .

Where I weighted and I had to own that too

I weighted and waited and weighted and waited and . . .

Acknowledged why each article had caused me to look at YOU in the same manner

Almost making you pay for something that you really knew little about . . .

I didn’t want to slip up and allow a misunderstanding between us be a trigger for me to . . .
Have to wait again so . . .

I weighted in my hearts weighting room . . .

My period of weighting isn’t over but it’s not as dense as . . .

And now I’m waiting on . . . you . . .

Nothing but words . . .

2008-09-12T15:20:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to share the lyrics to this awesome song. If you haven't heard it it's by Anthony David and features my girl India.Arie. It's been on repeat like all day . . . so enjoy.

I believe that
Heaven must be like this
Ray of sunshine
Kissed upon your skin
Just say you love me
Make my day go good
Pot of gold at the
End of the rainbow

Can't tell you nothin you aint already heard
No matter what I say it's nothin but words
Just let me prove to you what I know is real
Let me express to you the way that I feel

[India:]
I believe that
Love is synonymous
With heaven
Such a sensual bliss
The way you touch me
Makes this life so good
A reward at the
End of the long road

[AD:]
Fairy tales can be
Real if you just believe
Go my mind made
I don't plan to leave
Cuz you were meant for me
Simple that may be
Why be complex
Loving you is so easy

Have a good weekend guys!

Soliciting Comments

2008-09-12T09:13:00.001-04:00

Did anyone have the great pleasure of watching the Sarah Palin interview last night? If you did . . . . any thoughts?

September 11 - Need I say more?

2008-09-11T08:58:00.002-04:00

Take a look at today’s date and remember where you were seven years ago today. Remember how our country was affected and how it changed for some better but mostly for WORSE. We need change in this country and we haven’t gotten the change that we needed in this eight year period of national demise. Gas prices, unemployment, record-breaking home foreclosure (in two income households). The McCain-Palin camp seems to me to be a reincarnation of the Bush-Cheney camp . . . . so not cool. Right now all we have to go on is HOPE and PROGRESS and I personally don’t believe that we have that in the Republican party. This may seem a little over-emotional but our country is desperate for change. If you’re not registered to vote, I won’t beat you up over the head about it but we have the keys to make a change. Most of my readers are African American and what I'm about to say isn't even about OBAMA. Our suffrage was fought for by OUR forefathers. People that didn't even know us. Nixing it off is a HUGE slap in the face! You have less than 55 days to get your act together! Yes, I know this was a bit scatter-brained but I’m just really emotional today and we need to keep in mind that this is one of the most historic elections . . . . EVER! Peace out!

Finally . . . the WHY?

2008-09-10T09:12:00.002-04:00

About a month or so back I did a series entitled Love - Ex, Why?, Zzzzz. Remember? It was a reader questions series and we took time answering each others questions. Before I begin today’s post I wanted to preface it with a couple of things. I know that I said that I wasn’t going to be documenting my life anymore, but what I’m about to discuss I feel is a legitimate topic. Yes, Libra is involved . . . I mean, how could he not be. In my last “relationship” I was told that all men cheat. It’s just in their nature. They can’t be faithful and that doesn’t take away from their love for you but hey, just deal with it. I even did a series entitled GET LIFTED a couple month’s back dedicated to how infidelity was the norm and a natural human occurrence. But we sat down and started talking the other night. I’m not exactly sure how we got on the subject but he broke down a man’s “inability” to be faithful in a different way. He said, “As a little girl you were taught to go to God for everything. So if you’re tempted to do something or you’re having issues in your relationship, prayer is the avenue that most women take to “save” them from doing something they don’t need to do. But men are the opposite.” He said, “Little boys aren’t always reared as girls are (religiously speaking). Rather than take the avenue of safety and refuge, men take an avenue to facilitate their need to cheat. So, rather than going to church, they go to the club or go hang out with their boys (who, no doubt, will encourage the act if they’re single, if they don’t like his girlfriend, or if they’re just plain immature). So rather than work on it spiritually first, emotionally, and then physically . . . they hastily jump into the physical thing with someone else.” Ain’t he somethin’? The last thing he said was . . . “Relationships are only solid when God is present.” Gotta love that man! LOL!!!! But I wanted to hear what you all had to say about his philosophy. Ya’ll know I’m a little partial, but I want to know what you all think (especially the men). Can’t wait . . .

Countdown to November 4!!!!

2008-09-09T08:51:00.001-04:00

So, last night we watched two interviews on two separate news stations – both bias but one swings a little more in our favor (by we I mean, me and Libra). Both interviews featured the same interviewee but the interviewing styles are drastically different. When I name the news station you’ll understand completely. First, we turned on MSNBC and watched Keith Olbermann interview the Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama. Then we flipped to the infamous Fox News and witnessed an interesting interview conducted by Bill O’Reilly. One style is professional and more factual than the other style, which seems to attack and be much more cutthroat and have an attacking sort of undertone. We talked about both interviews for a while but if you watched either or both, or if you have any input on either of these journalists, give me some feedback. I don’t want to say too much and then really make this a biased post but it’s kind of difficult. I will say that the Senator, when being attacked by O’Reilly, commanded the conversation WITHOUT raising his voice. He exuded authority without becoming belligerent, causing O’Reilly to ease up and talk to him with more respect. Keith just knows how to interview but I want to know what you all think.

Well . . .

2008-09-08T08:58:00.002-04:00

I don't really have anything to talk about today so I just wanted to give a BIG shot out to one of the awesomest (yes, I know this isn't a word!), funniest, deepest, and most honest bloggers in the universe. Happy Birthday Big Jerz! Live it up, dude! Peace out!

Change of pace . . .

2008-09-05T09:04:00.003-04:00

This is the end of Ashley's life being documented like it has been for the past month. I think I can take it from here, guys. This has been an interesting process and I've gotten some positive feedback from many of you. Thanks for all the love, support and advice! I think I'm ready to try out my sea-legs all by myself. YAY!!!!! By Monday or Tuesday I'll have something really good and deep for us to discuss (and you all can participate rather that just listen to me rant and rave about my personal problems) so have an awesome weekend. Thanks for listening and emwha . . .

Labor of Love!

2008-08-28T08:23:00.004-04:00

So, today I opted to give my fingers a break and your ears and eyes a break from listening to my ranting about . . . . . . . . . what was I saying? Oh giving you a break! Yeah, so all I wanted to say to you guys is to have a safe and healthy Labor Day weekend! Don't forget how high gas is . . . turn on one of the news stations and get in on the Democratic Convention tonight. Tonight is pretty historic . . . Obama accepts the Democratic nomination on the very day that marks the anniversary of MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech (August 28, 1963). Craziness!!!! So we'll be watching (wink-wink) . . . have a good weekend . . . . Oh yeah . . . HAPPY BIRTHDAY MO! Peace out!

Blind Date Horror

2008-07-28T09:31:00.001-04:00

So ya’ll know that I use this blog as a bit of a journal. Some of the things that you read are things that happen to me that I post almost immediately. So here’s another entry. A little over a year ago, I was set up on a blind date by a friend who thought that I needed an escape out of a situation I was in. It’s funny how people think getting over someone automatically means meeting someone new. That’s not always the case – especially not with this instance. I wasn’t ready to “move” but I agreed to go on this god-awful date anyway. I tried being positive but there really wasn’t anything to be positive about. We didn’t mesh well, had nothing in common, and he had absolutely no drive or ambition. Friendship is one thing, but we were introduced romantically and there was no vibe. After a few dates he decided to act like he wanted to get serious after I honestly expressed to him that I wasn’t ready for anything with someone else. I think the last time that I saw him was July of last year and the last time we spoke was October of last year. After that last conversation I stopped answering his calls and prayed that he’d either forget I existed or accept the fact that friendship was all he was going to get. Needless to say, ya girl wasn’t interested, at least not in anything more than friendship. Skip forward twelve months and I get a phone call out of the blue from you know who. I ignored it at first and then I figured he wanted nothing more than to say “hello” and call it a day. So I call him back, so as not to look like a complete bitch. We had a pretty good conversation and he informed me that he’d be in the area visiting family and wouldn’t mind us having dinner to catch up. I didn’t see any harm in us having dinner so I agreed and we met. For some reason something didn’t feel right about our meeting. All day at work I was dreading seeing him. He’d left me several messages on my phone during the course of the day. I wanted to back out but he’d already arrived and was waiting for me at the designated meeting place. I went with my gut and drove myself. I didn’t want him to pick me up and drive me anywhere. Those funny feelings we most often need to follow and foolishly ignore. Fortunately, he didn’t know where I lived. So we had dinner and I talked about my love life and how things were going with me. I asked him about his and he instantly began complaining. I tried coaching him (like a friend would do) but he constantly veered the conversation to the far left and tried to make “this” a date. I corrected the waiter when he assumed we were married. An innocent mistake but I made it clear that we were just friends. I was so hell-bent that I think everyone in the restaurant knew we were . . . JUST FRIENDS! It was a meal between FRIENDS. But after a while buddy wigged out on me. He jumped off of the subject of career ambition and onto the subject of sex. He found it shocking that I hadn’t had too much “experience” and thought it only proper for the two of us to . . . ya’ll know what I’m getting at! Our “relationship”, even with the few outings that we’d been on together, was never physical. Well, nothing more than a tap-tap hug. The ones that say, “Let me go before I come out of my skin” all the while you’re constantly tapping them on the back and giggling nervously. I was appalled at the gall of him to suggest such a thing after I’d made it plain that we were JUST FRIENDS and I was happy with my life as it was. I tried to explain to him that I’m not one of those women that has the desire to try on partners like Manolo Blahniks. I like the one pair that works and I’m happy with that. He wasn’t satisfied and continued to mock me and my experience as a woman. Let me just say . . . lots of experience does the opposite of make you a good woman but I digress. Okay so maybe I have to eat the fact that I shouldn’t have agreed to have dinner with him. I really thought that he (being 9 years older than me) was more mature than that. I mean damn. It was the Hand of God (no lie) that got me out of there. I got a phone call concerning a family emergency and that was my ticket. I haven’t heard from him since Friday and I want to keep it that way. Ugh!

Black In America: The Black Man

2008-07-25T08:33:00.000-04:00

Anyone that knows me knows that I’ve grown to adore Black men. There’s nothing like them! I’m proud to be a Black woman but let’s face it . . . we’re nothing without our brothas. Even though we share the same skin (in a myriad of hues) we’ll never understand (as Black women and white Americans) what being a Black man is really like. They bear much of the brunt of our struggle. In last night’s installment of BLACK : IN AMERICA: The Black Man, we were given an inside look at the plight of Black men in America - the land where freedom rings, so to speak. But how free are we? How free are they – our Black men? I’ve done what I did yesterday and listed a few of the segments covered in Soledad O’Brien’s documentary on CNN. You can comment on as many of them as you like and I honestly don’t believe you have to have seen the airing to be able to comment. Let me just say that on top of the love that I already have for them, I’ve developed a concrete and unmovable appreciation for the men that . . . hold us down. There’s nothing like a Black man.

The affect of single parent (fatherless) homes on Black men . . .

Two Americas (for Black men): The [Black] America of Opportunity and The [Black] America of Demise – How can our Black men excel in a world designed to instigate their failure?

Racist Laws (Laws conspired to hold US back) – The same laws drafted to “protect” are the same ones that keep us below the majority. Crack cocaine (the Black drug) bears more of a penalty than “powder” (cocaine in it’s purest form or the “White” drug).

Are we lazy or did we teach YOU how to work? – Black men combating the “lazy” stereotype.

Are you a “sell out” because you want to better yourself? (i.e. speaking “too white” – code switching and wanting to better yourself)

Need for family – The rise (and apparent need) for gangs among Black men.

75% Blacks compared to the 44% of whites treated harshly by law enforcement.

Prison University – The Alma Mater of majority of the minority.

Where are the Black fathers?

Black in Corporate America.

Made for BLACKNESS (poem by ME)

2008-07-24T16:07:00.002-04:00

This is a poem that I wrote a couple years ago and I wanted to share it with you guys. I thought this was appropriate for this week's discussion! So . . . enjoy! Peace out (until tomorrow)!

Made for Blackness
Poem by: Ashley McCann

What have I done wrong?
I guess I was born
Born Black
Held back and held down with the iron hand of my oppressor
Degraded.
You pickanini, tar baby, skillet, porch monkey
Nigger!
Nigger – ugly and less than
Ignorant and just plain stupid

But mothered your children and taught you how to season your food
My ignorance was my ticket
My ticket out of the hell you put me through
When I was hangin’ them clothes on the line and singin’ “Meet Me Down By the River”
I was organizing my freedom
My freedom to be black and to love it
‘Cause baby, I was made for BLACKNESS

For so long my skin was my sin
Something unfortunate; deemed a bitter end
But it became my fortune; my pride
I can look at my skin, and the texture of my extra-extra curly hair, my round lips and thick thighs
With honor, dignity, and love
This is who I am
A beautiful black woman
Made for BLACKNESS

Looking at the old post cards, figurines, and statuettes of Aunt Jemima and black women made to serve their “superiors”
I fume, ache, and my eyes tear
Knowing what she went through just to survive
To survive
Then I look closer and I see the strength in her back
So that I could come along and stand on her shoulders
I look at that smile – plastered and fake
But behind that smile I read
If your dumb a** only knew how intelligent, clever, sage, and astute I really am
And if I got, you know my babies gon’ have it
‘Cause dey was made for BLACKNESS too
And don’t take my dialect as stupidity
I got away from you didn’t I?
I was made for BLACKNESS

And I come from good stock
Women that taught me that my being was necessary
Women like – Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Ella Baker, Mary McCleod Bethune, Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Gwendolyn Brooks, Alice Walker, Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez, Angela Davis, Zora Neale Hurston, Georgia Douglas Johnson, Augusta Savage
Articulate, proud, and BLACK

Joann Harriet McCann – my mama
Hannah Belle Butler – her mama
Viola McCann – my daddy’s mama
Strong, resilient, and BLACK

We were made for BLACKNESS
Yet you still inject your lips, lay out, and resort to silicone to make yourself look like me
All I can say is – I got it!
We’ve got it
And you don’t
Beautifully, fearfully, and wonderfully made for BLACKNESS

Being black is no longer my stigma
But my staple
My symbol that I’ve overcome
And will keep coming until you recognize who I am
I’m a woman
Intelligent, resilient, black
Strong, prideful, beautiful, and BLACK
A BLACK woman
Made for BLACKNESS

Black In America: Black Women and Family

2008-07-24T07:59:00.002-04:00

Ugh . . . where to begin!?!?!?! For those of you in the know, the first installment of the Black in America documentary overwhelmed us with a wealth of information. Black Women and Family was an incredibly eye-opening journalistic experience. Soledad O’Brien did the footwork and compiled a two-hour long “wrap-up” of what it means to be Black in America. For those of you that did your Life or Something Like It . . . homework and watched this documentary you know that there was so much information covered that there is no way for me to make this a succinct summary of sorts. So, I decided to list the segments covered and have you pick one, two, or a few and elaborate on your views of the issues. Oh and you don’t have to be black to voice your views, concerns, or feelings about what was discussed. I actually believe that that would make for added dimension in today’s chop-up. But if it’s just us, let’s make it good. Give it to me. I want to hear it! All of it! EVERYONE should have something to say today. Talk to me. You can do me one better and cut and paste this into emails and forward it to your friends and co-workers. Email me their responses. The series will only impact us if we work it – the right way. Acknowledgement equals progress and we’ll only progress if we take hold of what’s going on with and within us as a culture. Let’s get it!

Segments covered:
Interracial Intimacies – “You said you got a white cousin?” The Rand Clan (Segment enlightened us on the prominence of slave owners taking advantage of female slaves; we’re not 100 proof)

Drop out rates among African Americans – 50% of African American’s will receive a high school diploma

Exploited Education – Should incentives be offered to children for them to have a desire to learn or does this teach them to work for success?

Poverty’s impact on Education

Healthcare and African Americans in America

Fatherless homes – The single Black mother

The Black Single and Successful Women – Do we get married anymore, is success all we need to keep us “satisfied” or are we being forced to date outside of our race to meet compatible men?

Racial Boundaries Exposed – Can we raise our interracial children properly while teaching them to appreciate both (or all) of the races that make them human or are they destined for a life fueled by hate and confusion?

AIDS and its effect on African American Women (Blacks account for nearly 50% of the AIDS cases in America and among women diagnosed with the disease in this country, 2/3 are African American)

Black on Black Crime – Our inappropriate comfort level with the violent deaths of Black men in America

Black In America

2008-07-23T08:34:00.002-04:00

What's up guys? Yes, I know I was supposed to post the NAs review yesterday but I'm going to give the review on Friday after the Black In America airings have been discussed. Which brings me to one VERY important announcement. Black in America airs tonight at 9:00pm on CNN. Please, watch it. Better still encourage someone else to watch it as well. I think it will not only open our eyes but the eyes of white Americans as well. Tomorrow . . . we begin our deep discussion about being BLACK IN AMERICA.

Topics - July 22-25

2008-07-17T08:39:00.003-04:00

I figured since you all are enjoying summer and all I'd give you a bit of a break for the next couple of days but we're going to pick up on Tuesday and here are the things we'll be discussing:

Tuesday July 22 - Week In Review Nas Untitled Album - Discussion based around the deeply controversial Nas album (Nigger). I'm listening to it now and let me just say . . . this is going to be a great discussion. The album was released Tuesday, July 15 go cop it, listen and listen good! Then we'll chop it up. Can't wait!

Wednesday thru Friday July 23-25 - Black in America - This will air on CNN Wednesday and Thursday of next week. We'll begin our own discussion Wednesday, watch the first airing Wednesday, discuss Thursday and so on . . . Watch it! this one is going to be a good discussion too!

So get your minds ready for some intelligent conversation. I look forward to hearing what you all have to say about next weeks issues. Be safe, be as good as you can be, have a great week and I'll holla Tuesday!

One F.I.N.E. Day

2008-07-16T08:25:00.001-04:00

It’s rare that I open a discussion with a question but here goes. Have you ever noticed that when someone is having an “emotional breakdown” and you ask them what’s wrong they quickly answer “I’m fine!” The two words alone exude an emotionalism that represents the opposite of what’s been said. All of us have experienced someone like this (even if we’re the basket case on the other end) but have you ever taken the time to consider what the word FINE actually means in the mind of an exceedingly emotional person? No? Well, you know I’m about to tell you. One of my best girlfriends (yes, this is the same chic I’ve referred to on more than one occasion) and I had one of our deeply theoretical and analytical discussions a few months back. Allow me to set the stage. The two of us are not your typical emotionalists. We cry when we’ve “had it” – more so out of anger and frustration than sadness. Our tears are mere manifestations of us not being able to name and place all of the shit that’s going on in our heads. We think first (and this thinking isn’t always logical – at least not for me), we analyze, and then we wear it rather than release it. We make it a part of us. Our favorite phrase . . . you guessed it . . . “I’m fine!” One particular day we were both having one of those days. You know the ones. The days when nothing’s going right. You call the ones that are supposed to care simply to vent and you don’t get an answer, you feel overlooked, neglected, slighted, and forgotten, co-workers are constantly pissing you off, money’s funny and you can’t think straight (or in our cases – we’re thinking entirely too much). The first circumstances mentioned are usually the reasons that the latter instances become too much to handle (if you need a refresher go back and read the list of “make me crazy” instances). One thing always seems to make everything else appear damn near unbearable. Now picture the two of us going through this and trying to help each other through this emotional whirlwind. Too funny. So instead of explaining what we thought we might be feeling we decided to take a different approach. I think the first thing that she said was . . .uh huh . . . “I’m fine!” and I think we both started thinking about the adjective – FINE. I believe I asked a question similar to the one that I’ve opened this post with today. Long story short, we turned it into an acronym and she mentioned it to me earlier this week epitomizing the type of day . . . no, the type of week I’ve been having. This is our definition of FINE. Ready? Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. Now, tell me that’s not the most accurate definition you’ve heard for that “I’m fine!” phrase in a while. Oh and you can’t forget the exclamation point which punctuates that “hostility”. “I’m fine!” I don’t have a question today. I’m just taking this opportunity to get this off my chest but needless to say, I’ll never look at that word/phrase the same again. So, I’ve just given you all a little inside track into the world of two very analytical and emotional people who are probably more sane than we may come across to people that don’t necessarily “get” us. The next time you’re having one of THOSE days and someone asks how your day is going, just say . . . “Oh I’m just having a FINE day.” The beautiful reality of that is that they’ll assume one thing but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve explained your day on so many levels without having to say too much at all. You’ve also acknowledged your four possible issues to yourself without suppressing them and then blowing up later. “I’m FINE!” You didn’t lie. You’re day was . . . .FINE. Yeah, I guess I just needed to vent. If you’re having a FINE day or week (in my case). . . join the FINE club. If not . . .offer some insight to the rest of us as to how to deal. “Oh Ashley’s having a FINE week!” Be good ya’ll. I’ll holla tomorrow.

Satire = Insult

2008-07-15T08:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I've decided to take a bit of a break from my usual relationship banter to indulge in some current issues that have been going on in the media. I guess it goes without saying, that Barack Obama is taking a great deal of heat from the media, which happens with any political campaign. The first instance that struck me as peculiar and down-right disappointing were the comments that were made by fellow Aggie Jesse Jackson. If you didn't know about this . . . just type JESSE JACKSON in any search engine and you'd be surprised how many hits you'd get about this one subject. Then The New Yorker, a magazine published in the city bearing the same name, released it's most recent issue with an interesting depiction of Barack Obama and his wife Michelle Obama. If you haven't seen it, I'm going to describe the images to you. The New Yorker is an American magazine that publishes reportage, commentary, criticism, essays, fiction, satire, cartoons, and poetry. The main argument for this cover image was that it was political satire and that was all it was meant to be. Hmmmm. In the satirical cartoon the senator is clad in a turban (a blatant image to satisfy the accusations that he's a terrorist) and Michelle Obama is rockin' an afro, army fatigue, and a shot gun. It appears that the husband and wife team are "dappin' each other up." Oh and did I forget to mention that there is an American flag burning in the fireplace and portrait of what looks like Osama bin Ladin is hanging over the same fireplace. No matter how much the media tries to make this out to be "funny", it really boils down to blatant insult and a bold attack disguised as comedy. Even though the magazine is based around the satirical cartoons, they're making a serious statement and they always have. I'm not really sure what I want to ask today. I guess I just want some feedback and your thoughts on these recent instances. Feel free to share your thoughts on both. I'm just curious to hear what you all have to say . . .

Strength Made Perfect

2008-07-10T08:38:00.004-04:00

Most of the posts that I share with you all are drawn from personal experiences or experiences that friends and acquaintances share with me. Today is no different. Yesterday a close friend of mine and I were chatting online and we had a pretty profound conversation (as always). The conversation started with us chopping up our flaws. The things that we struggle with in relationships. The things that we have a hard time letting go of and the things that often times pose as hindrances in our dealings with men. (Sidebar: she’s in a pretty serious situation with a great guy that adores her) So we talked for a while and we both came to the conclusion that it all comes down to vulnerability, letting go, and embracing our strength in different ways (Tuesday’s post). Sacrificing who we think we’re supposed to be and be what we need to be for whomever it is that we’re with. The two of us are both pretty independent and have a hard time coupling our independence and self-sufficiency with dependence on whomever we’re dating at a particular time. This issue first arises when you’re trained in unhealthy relationships NOT to depend on someone that’s NOT dependable, but I digress. It’s almost as though dependence becomes a weakness in our eyes and it’s a hard thing to shake. We’re trained to be women as little girls but we’re not always trained to be women in relationships. That’s something we have to teach ourselves through trial and error. Because the two of us are so used to rollin’ dolo (for lack of a better phrase), we own it, and are comfortable with it, when we are with someone we don’t know how to switch or perfect the balancing act of being the independent woman and the woman who has dependence on the man that she loves. Please, don’t misunderstand this as meaning we are weak but in all honesty, there is a level of dependence on your partner that has to be present. Men need to feel wanted and needed. We know this yet we continue to struggle with allowing ourselves to need. I made this statement, “We train ourselves not to need (in this case a man) but in all actuality it’s the need for them that’s the only thing that feeds us.” Now as I’ve said before, I don’t claim to know it all as far as men, women, and relationships are concerned. That’s not the case at all. I think I’m just struggling with the dependent and independent thing and am looking for a little advice from my fantastic readers. Ladies, do you view dependence as evidence of your weakness? Is showing weakness in relationships a negative thing or is this further evidence of the soft strength that we as women have? How can we balance the two and be what we need for both our selves and our significant others? Just a few questions that I honestly don’t have the answers to.
P.S. I love quotes and one came to mind that aptly fits into today's discussion. 2 Corinthians 12:9(b) - For my strength is made perfect in weakness.
Help me out!

Shortie's Buggin . . .

2008-07-09T09:12:00.001-04:00

So I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine yesterday. He’s married and enlightened me on an issue that he and his wife have been struggling with for the past few days. This past weekend the couple spent some time in Richmond with family for the holiday and his mother prepared dinner and had some friends over. One of his mother’s friends brought along their daughter (college age) and from what my friend told me she was cute. Long story short . . . his wife noticed him admiring her “cuteness” and accused him of staring, being gross and disgusting, and being aroused (to put it mildly) throughout dinner. He denied the accusations and the two haven’t said more than a few words to each other since this weekend. Before posting this I offered some insight into the world of women and told him that this just may not be about him at all. I said, and I could very well be wrong, but I said that his wife could’ve very easily felt insecure because of the presence of another woman that she knew for herself was attractive. Instead of being secure in the fact that she had a wonderful man on her arm that loved her and just happened to find another woman attractive. After saying all of that I told him that I was going to get some advice from you all and forward what you say to him. So make it good! I will say that when I’m with a guy and I notice him notice another woman it can be annoying but it isn’t enough for me to blow anything out of proportion. Not if he’s just looking. I mean I’m with him and I notice other men as well. It’s the way that we’re built. Just because we may be in a relationship that doesn’t mean that we instantly go blind with the onset of commitment. However, I think there is a difference in the way that men versus women look at the people that they find attractive. Some men have a tendency to gawk while some women have a tendency to be more subtle with their appreciation of a good looking brotha. It’s all in how we do things. So, I’ve said all of that to say or rather to ask . . . Is there a need for an apology here or is my friends wife just buggin’? Personally, I think it’s the latter but help me out guys.

Too Strong?

2008-07-08T08:30:00.004-04:00

Today's topic is pretty simple and straight forward and I look forward to hearing what you all have to say . . . as always. Being the type of person that loves to stir controversy and coupling that with the fact that I'm a passionate writer, I've developed a love for the Bad Boy of Radio, Michael Baisden. I listen to the show when I can and last night, one of his topics came to mind. He posed this very simple question and the discussion was enlightening, to say the least. Is there such thing as a woman being too strong? Now, my main audience is African American so feel free to apply ethnicity to the question of the day. I'll draw from my background to stir the pot of today's conversation . . . the women in my family are strong by nature. We can be loud and overbearing at times but there's a not-so-quiet strength that we all have (shot out to the Aiken women!!!) and some of us more than others. But I will be honest as much as I see this as being an asset, I've found it to be a liability as well. I've found myself in situations where I flew off the handle too soon, acted rashly, made some impulsive decisions (Ashley's "I refuse to be a doormat" mentality) and then "blamed it" on my strength as a black woman. A black Aiken woman. I guess I'm straddling the fence today but I really want to know . . . Is there such thing as a woman being too strong? Tag question: Can a woman's strength be a turn off to men? Just curious . . . Help me out!

Happy 4th

2008-07-03T08:07:00.003-04:00

What up guys! No deep thoughts today. I just want to wish all of you that are traveling this weekend safe travel. Those of you with sense enough not to drive ANYWHERE for $4.00 a gallon . . . kudos. LOL!!!! Independence has a new meaning for me so YES! I will be celebrating. Enjoy this long weekend, rest your minds, celebrate responsibly, be safe, be good and we'll pick up on Tuesday with the deepness! Love you guys! Smooches!

MENtality - Mistake #3

2008-07-01T08:02:00.003-04:00

I didn't leave you all hanging with the third and final mistake. Here it is and it's a pretty self-explanatory one. This one we can all contribute to and give feedback and personal experiences on. I will say that I have definitely made this mistake at least once. There really isn't a lot to preface this one with. So, here it is - mistake #3.

Mistake #3 - Not knowing how to size up a man's relationship potential.

I look forward to hearing what you all have to say and thanks to all of you that participated in this discussion. Peace out, homies!

MENtality - Mistake #2

2008-06-26T16:17:00.001-04:00

Well, damn! Yesterday’s blog concerning a woman’s mistake caught a little flack from my bloggers that are actually in relationships. Blog flack – the good kind that makes us talk, agree, disagree, or agree to disagree. And ironically enough, all of that happened, which I think is great. Some of you may disagree. Let me quickly explain my reasoning behind the statement “Too much physical contact, especially in public”. You all saw the question that was posted to counter Mistake #1. Let me just say that I believe that a woman’s connection to her man is FAR MORE than physical. The same goes for the man in that relationship. I am in no way a relationship expert. Believe me! I’m the Queen of relationship mistakes and I started this mini-series with that in mind so that we’d all get the help we needed. I will say that I think that women mistake touching as meaning “Oh we’re so connected.” That’s not always true. I’m not the PDA type. That’s just me, readers. I’m not bad-mouthing anyone that does it relentlessly and I would like to just go ahead and clear the air (this is not an apology for what I said). I will say, however, that I have some relationship things to work on when dealing with men. These are personal issues that I’m not ashamed to out to you all. So I’m not lovie-dovie – I’ll work on it. I’m also not going to renig on what I said about Mistake #1. On to Mistake #2 . . .

Mistake #2 – Appealing to a man’s sexual side rather than his emotional side.

Seeing as how this was meant for the men to talk about I think we’ll let the ladies chime in today (like they did yesterday) and give us some positive and negative feedback on this matter. We are all naturally sexual beings. Some of us more than others. Yes, it’s true that sex (more so great sex) aids in the connection that you have with your partner, but seeing as how sex was and is designed as an emotional connection I have a bit of a tag question and I believe I’ve asked this before . . . Why do you all think women rush to the sex aspect before tapping into a man’s emotions? Let me know . . .

MENtality (Reply question)

2008-06-26T08:55:00.001-04:00

I had a female blogger send me this question in response to today's post! Here's another one for you guys to answer. Men tell the truth. Ladies feel free to share personal experiences.

I have a question though I'm not a dude, do men really not like physical contact (especially in public) my husband must be a minority cause he initiates it more than I do, and I know one of the other bloggers man is a student of PDA........are there men that think that is aggrevating (not that it matters anymore) but I was just wondering.
(Submitted by RockWill)

MENtality - Mistake #1

2008-06-26T08:18:00.001-04:00

Okay so first I want to give a big shot out to Big Jerz for covering Tuesday’s topic of discussion and to all of you that slacked off with reading and responding Tuesday, don’t worry, you still have time to catch up. With that said, let’s move forward with our discussion. This week we’re cracking the MENtality and we’re getting some answers for the mistakes that we as women make in relationships gone sour. Again, I don’t believe breakups are to be attributed to the guy being an asshole. I believe that women do some unconscious things that cause the men in their lives to pull away. There are three mistakes that women make and each day I’m going to give a mistake, explain where we go wrong, and we’re going to figure out how to rectify these relationship missteps. I’m going to name them but I want the men to explain to me why these things turn them off. Again, gentlemen, we want brutal truth (gritting my teeth). Okay so mistake number one is pretty much a given. We all know this to be a turn off but I think we need to hear what men feel when this mistake is imposed in relationships. Here goes . . .

Mistake #1 – Having a man think that we’re needy and insecure. This includes:
• Talking and saying nasty things about a previous relationship
• Speaking negatively about other women
• Too much physical contact, especially in public

Okay so I have my own reasoning behind why these things can be a turn off to men but I’m not a man and we need to hear why you guys have been turned off by a woman’s NEEDS and INSECURITIES. A few blogs back I got a comment from a male blogger that touched on this subject briefly (day two of LOVE – Ex-Why?-Zzzzz). This is an attempt to make our dealings with each other more effective and less . . . questionable. So to evade the frustration of not being able to “get” each other, we have to ask questions.

Question: Why is a NEEDY or INSECURE woman a turn off?

2008 BET Awards Review

2008-06-25T08:17:00.002-04:00

We'll pickup with our MENtality discussion tomorrow but I wanted to know what you all felt about today's topic while it was still hot and fresh in our minds. Last night the 2008 BET Awards aired on . . . BET. This is a fairly new awards show but it garners significant media attention and ratings from fans of the artists featured. This year there was an abundance of hype generated and with good reason. They have to get us to watch. So in case you missed it . . . Usher opened the show with his first single off of his recent album release LOVE IN THIS CLUB. I’ve been a fan of the song since I first heard it and a fan of Usher’s for years and must say, he’s done far better than his performance last night. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t anything to talk about other than what I’m saying right now. With the features on the first single – Jeezy, T.I. and Beyonce on the remix – he did the entire song alone. I just wasn’t feeling it. Honestly most of the performances were less than mediocre. It seemed that the artists went off of the fact that they were asked to perform and not that they had a fan base that was expecting them to give them a show. I was hardly impressed. Ne-Yo was the only performer that performed something new and did the song justice. I love me some Ne-Yo! I was looking forward to the opening and finale (Lil’ Wayne) of the show, but it was the middle portion that got the best response. The tribute to Al Greene was stellar. Jill Scott did her thing with STILL IN LOVE, Anthony Hamilton put it down and Maxwell, yes ya’ll Maxwell, made me quake. But the Reverend got on the stage and performed after his tribute and did classics like LOVE AND HAPPINESS and LET”S STAY TOGETHER. These are songs that we’ll never forget the words of and that will always be applicable to situations that we go through to this day. Many of last night’s performers were more than forgettable, but Al Greene’s tribute stole the show. When you can see a self-proclaimed thug stand up and sing a classic like LET”S STAY TOGETHER word-for-word you’ve made music that’s immortal. That’s what it’s all about. I don’t really feel that any other performance was really worth mentioning so . . . holla atcha girl! What did you think of the 2008 BET Awards?

MENtality -

2008-06-24T08:38:00.001-04:00

So I’ve said time and time again how I adore men, how I value the relationships I’ve built with them, and even how I have a tendency to think as men think. For the next four days we’re going to attempt to concentrate on the latter statement. When you approach a situation the way a man does it’s much different than the ways of the softer sex. No nonsense, no bullshit, and a seemingly emotionless approach to their reality (again, that’s seemingly; there is an emotional nature to their being EMOTIONLESS).
I love being a woman as well – I mean, let’s face it, it’s a pretty powerful thing - and many of the other posts that we’ve chopped up together have been written from woman’s perspective. But for these next couple of posts I want to deal with the ladies while advocating the side of the man. Before I go into today’s question, I want to say a few things to the ladies that read daily. We’ve all been hurt, disappointed, confused, elated, ecstatic, thrilled – all because of a man, but the more negative consequences of our dealings with men are the ones we dwell on the most. Especially after a break up. “What did I do wrong?”, “Where did we go wrong?”, “I thought he loved me.” Yeah, we’ve all said it and we all have a girlfriend that says, “Girl, he was a jerk. Forget about him.” Whether it’s applicable or not, it’s the easiest response. And honestly I believe that the jerk factor is one of the most INFREQUENT reasons for a guy wanting to leave us alone. So your girlfriend says, “Forget about him!” Unfortunately the opposite happens and that situation is all we seem to think about. Bear with me guys, I’m getting to you all in just a second. There’s a reason why we dwell on the negative and can’t seem to figure it out. I believe that this is because just like men say they don’t “get” us . . . they’re an even more difficult book to read for women. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that if we as women position ourselves to ask men the RIGHT questions, I think we’ll get better results. Ladies we’re approaching our romantic relationships with the wrong MENtality. Today I’m going to ask a very simple question and it’s for the MEN to answer. Most of the men that are on this email list are in significant relationships (married, dating, or you have a woman in your life that’s worth your time) so I look forward to some honesty be it concerning the woman in your life now or the woman you want to be in your life. Now let me go back to the ladies really quickly. I’m asking this question today, but I need for you all to ask it of the men in your lives. The question is so simple but you’d be surprised by the response we’re going to get. Now I can give you a list of questions that we love to ask as women – What type of woman turns you on? What type of woman turns you off? How do you feel about me? Do you love me? Now that last one is a very important one nonetheless but today's question is far more important for you to get to that love question. Ready? Here is the question that every woman needs to ask a man and here is the question that I need all the men to answer HONESTLY . . . What type of woman do you RESPECT? Now we’re going to have the men answer today and we’ll apply those answers to the rest of the week’s activities. Trust me this is going to be good. So, again, to the fellas . . . . What type of woman do you RESPECT?

Guess what . . .I have a BLACK CARD

2008-06-19T08:20:00.000-04:00

Tonight sitting in my den as I do every night, I’m sitting and pondering what to write about for tomorrow. I have an idea but the words won’t come to me the way that I need them to. I’m so passionate about the subject of blackness and being a black woman, I took for granted that all of my readers were African American. Ignorance on my part. I’ve learned that I have some regular readers that are not black, which I think is phenomenal. Still I refuse to sugarcoat a thing. I don’t regret a word I’ve spoken about racial issues. Because black or white – racism still exists. My initial intent was to try my hand at explaining blackness to my white readers. Then I thought to myself, “Ashley, that’s like a dog trying to explain to a cat what it’s like to be a dog.” They don’t speak the same language. That cat will never understand the dog’s plight. People automatically having an innate fear because the dog barks and doesn’t meow. People thinking that it’s sharp teeth are merely for ripping flesh and not for eating plain old dog food. Now don’t misunderstand me. I’m not in any way likening BLACKNESS to being an animal – although we’ve been called animals for centuries, but I believe the same issues apply.
I’ll start with the fear scenario. A couple of days ago I emailed a young lady that had posted a listing that she needed a roommate. She immediately responded to what I’d said to her. I gave her the spill – 25 year old, college grad, professional job, looking to attend grad school in the fall, the whole nine. Person to person. Not black person to white person. Just simple human conversation. She seemed pleased and excited to meet with me. It was very urgent to HER that we get everything squared away, come see where I’d be living, discuss when she needed the security deposit – brass tax, basically. So I pull up to the house, knock on the door, and she opens it and her eyes become the size of baseballs. “You . . . you’re Ashley?” (No exaggeration) I wasn’t invited in. I had to ask if I could see the space that I was to be occupying. She reluctantly let me in and did her best to get me out of that house as soon as she could. I was fed the line . . . “Oh I have six other people that want to take a look so I’m not really sure what we’ll decide.” After having told me that it was mine for the taking. She was threatened by the fact that I didn’t look like her.
FEAR of the dog. The cat will never, never, never understand what that dog goes through. I can’t and never will be able to explain to my white readers what it means to be black. At first when you think about it, it’s frustrating. “You don’t get it! You just don’t get it!” But I stepped back and thought about the BLACK CARD. Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna start callin’ it. Let me explain really quickly. I’m sure you’ve heard of millionaires – namely celebrities acquiring Black Credit Cards – credit cards with no limits. This is a privilege. Credit companies don’t just hand these out like candy. You’ve got to be able to handle (from a financial standpoint) what possessing one of these cards comes with. The responsibilities that it brings. You gotta protect it so no one else gets their hands on it. It’s a prize and you often hear people that have them boast about the fact that they do. On February 12, 1983 I was handed a BLACK CARD, a card with no limits and endless possibility but a hell of a lot of responsibility. Being black is a prize to me. Something to brag about. I take pride in my BLACKNESS. I was worthy enough to be dealt a BLACK CARD . . . because I can handle it. It’s a privilege to be black. I’ve made it big because I have a BLACK CARD. Call it an opinion if you want . . . but it’s my truth. Thanks for reading.

Systematic Oppression

2008-06-18T08:40:00.001-04:00

So I’ve “suddenly” started dealing with my race and many of you know what I mean. I’ve mentioned some instances with a handful of you on this email list and I wanted to get your views on today’s topic. I had two very candid conversations with two very special bloggers last night and much of today’s content can be accredited to said bloggers, but I digress. All of my regular readers are African American so I’m not going to sugarcoat what’s been on my mind. As a child I was raised around nothing but white kids. My siblings and I went to predominately white schools. I attended private schools in high school, so I went through that part of my life believing that “white was right” as the saying goes. Then I upped, applied, got accepted and attended a Historically Black University which taught me a lot concerning today’s society (in both positive and negative ways). As an alum of North Carolina A&T State University, black was what I came to know. Yes, I’m black but it became a custom to me. I was used to being in classes with nothing but people that looked like me, that understood me, and could identify with many of the same issues. Black was my primary society, which wasn’t reality. Let’s be real – we [African Americans] aren’t the norm.
All of my close college friends are black. Most of my courses were based around praising the capacity of Blackness which I appreciate and treasure beyond measure, but on the flip side of that, the fact of the matter is that I wasn’t adequately prepared for what I’m dealing with now. THE SYSTEM. The thing that we mention casually or in a sardonic, mordacious or joking manor but don’t realize the complexity and potency of the issue. No it’s not 1945. It’s 2008 and the racism that we experience is more dangerous than ever before. Mainly because it’s less blatant and I think that most individuals – both white and black – think that racism is a blatant act of hatred. But the more subtle act is far more severe. THE SYSTEM. I can only speak from personal experience. I work in a predominately Caucasian industry and am constantly bombarded with the bullshit question, “How can YOU be BLACK?” Let me explain. Better still, let me give you all an example.
I have a Caucasian sounding name – Ashley McCann. My office phone voice is very professional and can be mistaken for a woman of a different race – namely an educated white woman. My email dialect is dense with etiquette and words that show that I know what I’m doing and what I’m talking about, and more importantly, that I’m educated. So with all that said, the industry that I work in is dominated by nothing but SOUTHERN WHITE MALES and when I met many of my clients face-to-face, jaws dropped. “You’re Ashley?” “The Ashley that handles print sales for MY company?” “Really?” I’m the only black woman in an office of all white counterparts as I’ve said in a previous blog (New America) and I’ve come to realize the fight that we, as black individuals, have to fight by default. We constantly fight stereotypes, racism, and even the stereotypes that we’ve been forced to impose on ourselves. Crazy, huh?
I don’t know that I really have a question today. I think I just want to hear some personal experiences from you all concerning today’s issue. THE SYSTEM. Well maybe I do have a question or a couple for that matter. When does the fight end or is it perpetual? Does the fight define the resilience and strength of our race? Don’t you all answer at once but you know I love to hear what you have to say. Keep me reading and let me know what you think, what you’ve experienced, whatever! I want to know. The beauty of it all is, in spite of what I’m dealing with and will continue to deal with, I know that my struggle is neither something that I’ll deal with alone or something that is in vain. What can we say? We’re black for a reason. How do you deal with the fortunate, yet seemingly unfortunate card you’ve been dealt? I guess that’s three questions. This should make for an interesting discussion.

The Carter III

2008-06-17T08:33:00.002-04:00

It’s a week to day of the greatly anticipated release of Wayne’s THE CARTER III. A good portion of you that are on my email list are music lovers, I have a couple music producers in the mix and many of you claim a particular genre that tickles your fancy more than another. Me, I have an eclectic ear and developed a love affair with Dwayne Carter when I discovered my love for poetry. Poetry? Yes, poetry. This review is not a straight-forward hip-hop review. I’m writing from a poetic standpoint and as a Weezy fan I must say . . . THE CARTER III is the epitome of immaculate verse. LOLLIPOP was the first single for the album I quickly fell in and out of love with the single because of video and radio rotation, but I’ve come to find that the songs that aren’t released for radio or video are usually the best songs on an album. My personal favorites are Dr. Carter, Mrs. Officer featuring Bobby Valentino, and Let the Beat Build (so far). These are the ones that I keep on 3Peat (another track on the album). I personally believe that real hip-hop and poetry are intertwined. Again, that's real hip-hop. Some may question the state of hip-hop but with the release of THE CARTER III it’s evident that Wayne has not renounced his seat as the Poetic King of the Game. Metaphorically and lyrically, he brought it with little to no effort. And to me, that’s what poetry is. His flow with this one is crazy and his mic is his conduit. Dr. Carter has revived my flow and I have my vocab I.V. in as we speak. His style has evolved and personally I’m more than pleased with what I hear. Now today’s blog is no different. To all my music lovers, holla atch girl and give me your views on THE CARTER III. For those of you that don't know . . . I guess you're out of the loop today.

The WHY? - Reader questions Pt4

2008-06-13T08:24:00.003-04:00

Hello all! I'd first like to begin today's blog on Friday, June 13th to wish one very special blogger a happy, happy birthday! So happy birthday J.P.!!!!!! Okay so we're continuing with the questions - The Why?'s of LOVE - and a couple were submitted to me yesterday and this morning. I'm asking these questions word for word the way they've been submitted. Give a listen and if you feel like it try to give an answer as well! Can't wait to hear your thoughts . . .

1 - Can you weigh love? A lot of times couples ask "do you love me?" "Yes!" "How much" and I've been thinking how do you really answer that. Can you weigh love, or is love to much to even weigh? (Submitted by RockWill)

2 - Insomnia is the beast that wrestled with me last night! During my battle, hundreds of thoughts raced through my mind. This is one that stayed long enough for contemplation-- And for the record- I am very aware of those normal bloggers that have been responding and how they are completely smitten and in love with the very faint sweet scent that is left behind when their companion leaves the room.... YEAH YEAH YEAH....BUT..... just .... suppose........and indiscretion occurs. I won't clarify or qualify that word- take it for what it's worth!
If YOU committed the indiscretion, Do YOU tell them........or if THEY committed the act... do YOU wanna know?
Not to be a buzz kill, just a thought! (Submitted by lovinthisjourney)

The WHY? - Reader questions Pt3

2008-06-11T12:41:00.005-04:00

This is getting good, guys! The participation is astounding and I look forward to hearing more from all of you today. I'd also like to welcome the new bloggers! So . . . WELCOME! I decided to put in my two cents and ask a couple questions today as well. My girls came correct with these other questions so answer as many as you wish! Please don't hesitate to send me more provoking, argument stirring (and I mean that in a good way) questions and we'll get them posted and answered for you! The way this is going this may trickle into next week. Here we go . . .

1 - Why is it that women instantly become insecure when you know your man (or significant other) is in the presence of other women, all the while knowing he sees them and may even find them attractive but still isn't interested? Why do women (or men for that matter) struggle so heavily with insecurity in relationships? (Submitted by Ace)

2 - "All you need is love." - Is this quote true? (Submitted by lovinthisjourney)

3 - Is it better to win a woman through her heart or through intelligence? (Submitted by lovinthisjourney)

4 - Is it better to have free access to a person we love, but that doesn't fully return our love or to be loved perfectly by someone who is not free to us (i.e. free access)? (Submitted by lovinthisjourney)

5 - In relationships communication is so vital. We all know this to be true. But what part of communication is a more important communication tool - talking or listening? (Submitted by RockWill)

6 - Why is love so hard? (Submitted by Ace)

The WHY? - Reader questions Pt2

2008-06-11T09:14:00.000-04:00

Okay so the two questions that I've received will probably have you all thinking for the rest of the day! LOL!!! So, let's get some answers. I can't wait to hear what you have to say. No holds barred. Be honest! Anything you feel is open for discussion. Let's get it!

Question 1 - Ok so I am not a morbid thinker, but my lover and I were talking over this past weekend and we had an intimate moment and he looked at me and he said "baby, I love you so much that I couldn't take you dying before me I would want to go before you" as we lie there tears softly rolled down my cheek because I never expected a comment like that. Some times in relationships we take so many things for granted even love..............it's amazing to me. My question is how deep do you feel about the love you have for your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend? He really made me look at him in a totally different light. (Submitted by Rockwill)

Question 2 - Why do women want men to commit to something he knows he can't uphold ? Why not just let the dude take his time and get there when he's sure ? Damn I'm good at this shit ! LOL !!! Ladies, umm...MAN UP !!! (Submitted by big jerz)

The Why? Continued

2008-06-11T08:15:00.001-04:00

Let me start off by saying I LOVE MY READERS! Those of you that take the time to read and respond are wonderful! The response that you all gave with the open forum was incredible. So, I thought to myself "Why end there?" I know the three questions asked yesterday weren't the only relationship related questions you've ever asked yourself or someone else. Dig deep! I'm ready whenever you all are!

The WHY? - Reader questions . . .

2008-06-10T09:10:00.000-04:00

*Note to readers - with whichever question you ask please include the corresponding number to the question/answer.

1 - I guess my question has two parts. Why is it that men are so afraid to show how much they really love a woman? I mean you can tell that they do, but they will fight themselves until they are sick to death, but won't give in. Is it fair for the woman to wait for him to say those three words. I mean we see this happen everyday, I work with a couple of people like that. I would like to hear the man answer the man question, and another woman answer the woman answer please. Yeah, that's right I'm taking Ashley's spot today. (Submitted by RLW)

2 - Why in the Hell do women expect us to READ YOUR MINDS instead of saying EXACTLY....EXACTLY what you want us to know ? C'Mon Now, HOLLA BACK ! (Submitted by big jerz)

3 - Do you ever really lose love for the one before? (Submitted by lovinthisjourney)

The WHY?

2008-06-10T08:31:00.000-04:00

Here is your opportunity to let it all hang out. Whatever love/relationship questions you may have you can either reply with your question via email or as a posted blog comment. We'll post the question as a blog and then get some answers to the WHY?'s! Okay . . . have at it! Don't be shy. Believe me if you're asking this question, it's probably crossed the minds of one or more readers in the past. An open forum . . . so shoot. Oh and I don't have all the answers so we're going to work as a team with this little interactive activity! Got it? Here goes . . .

Love Ex-Why?-Zzzzzzzz

2008-06-09T08:25:00.000-04:00

So I decided to use this week as a love session. An open forum of sorts; discussing the exes, why’s, and zzzzz’s of love. I plan on having fun with this and use it as an interactive setting for you to post stories and ask questions. Let me take a moment to explain the “letters” of the alphabet. The exes – discussing the complexity of any past love (first love or any core-shaking, heart-wrenching love). The Why? – any love question that may have crossed your mind over the course of any short or long term “affair.” The zzzzz’s – the snoozers we hate to remember but can’t seem to forget. The boring lovers, the transitional people that took up a space on the tic-toc clock of love while what we needed and wanted was out of sight yet not out of mind. Keep in mind these transitional “lovers” always have a lesson for us to learn. Always. Open your mind and think about the daily topics and have fun with your answers or the stories that you feel comfortable enough to share. This doesn’t mean that depth is out of the question but still . . . I think with some of the topics we think too hard and don’t really listen and tap into their simplicity. They’re a lot simpler than they seem (or read). So, here goes . . . a series of love related questions and stories that we might all ask or endure when in love, while seeking love, while leaving a love(r), or just in general conversation. If you don’t get it, flow with it, or get my gist, feel free to pass but my true blog fans, I expect something out of you. So here goes . . .

Today’s “letter” - The WHY: Why is it that when in love we seem to lose ourselves? You mention the others name more than your own. They become priority over YOU. Their needs seem to be more important and their happiness becomes the remedy to your happiness. Now if you’ve never been in love (for real) then you probably can’t relate to the questions at hand. But, if in fact, love has bitten you on the ass at least once you can answer at least one of these questions. So, once again . . . here’s the question in a nutshell . . . Why is it so easy to get lost in love?

New America

2008-06-04T09:05:00.000-04:00

This morning I walked into an office of all white counterparts and was thrilled to say that my candidate won the Democratic nomination. I got several dirty looks and was told that my happiness was inappropriate because it showed that there was a problem in this country. My blood began to boil fast but I held my tongue momentarily. I thought to myself . . . Isn't your reaction even more evidence of that fact. So I settled myself and chose my words wisely. "I don't expect anyone in this office to understand my excitement. This is more than a nomination. History was made and this is my history." You could've heard a pin drop. I'm still a little peeved by the blatant statements that were made and am wondering is there ever really going to be a change. Obama is more than just a Black man (yes we know he's a product of an interracial relationship but let's be real). He's an incredible candidate for the presidency and yes I just happen to be thrilled that my race has been represented more than well! And Michelle is an incredible example of a Black woman in support of her husband. The representation that we've received as a race has been exquisite. Why is my excitement inappropriate?

Bone Dry

2008-06-03T08:37:00.000-04:00

Hello bloggers! I've gotten some feedback (both good and bad) and I needed a little help from you all. Seeing as how you all read the blog, some of you take the time to respond, or even cut and paste the blogs into emails and send them to friends and coworkers, I thought that maybe you wouldn't mind letting me know what you wanted to talk about. What topics make you think? What haven't you heard anyone address? Anything that's compelling and thought provoking pertaining to LIFE is fair game for a blog topic. Shoot me a line or two and I'll write about whatever you want to talk about! Thanks guys!

Secret Sex

2008-05-19T14:38:00.001-04:00

There is an infamous episode that shares the same title as today’s blog. In this particular episode, Miranda is dating a guy that she will only allow in her bed but she won’t introduce him to her friends. Really? Interesting. Now, how is it that one can practice a sexual relationship with someone – they’ve seen you naked, heard every moan and groan, shared one of the most intimate parts of you – and you can’t bring them around your friends? Now this isn’t a play on people that your friends and family have, in deed, met. If they don’t bring them around you a lot well . . . that’s another topic. I’m talking about people that no one has seen – only you and the four walls of wherever it goes down. As I’ve stated in previous blogs, I have a lot of male friends and I love to be a fly on the wall and listen to how they talk about women, love, and relationships. I’ve heard a few of my male friends speak of women that they’d only “do” but wouldn’t dare bring them around “the people”, so to speak. That’s men. From a woman’s perspective, how in the world can you share such an intimate and private part of yourself with someone that you obviously don’t even care enough about to mention to the people you love, let alone bring them around? Once again, this is a top-secret lover, one you don’t mention – no one even knows they exist. What’s the deal with secret sex and why do we do it?

The Chicken or the Sex

2008-05-19T14:34:00.001-04:00

There is another Sex and the City episode that stands out in my mind. It explores the timeless conundrum, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” I’ll elaborate. In this particular episode, Carrie is in a purely sexual relationship with a guy that she wants to have a legitimate relationship with. The sex is insane but that's really all there is. He's so used to that aspect of their connection that a relationship is hardly pressing. On the flip side, her girl Samantha is in a relationship with someone that she wants to revert to a purely sexual relationship with (keep in mind, Samantha is the sexually liberated one of the bunch). So, Carrie asks the question: Which comes first, the chicken or the sex? Huh? Just listen. I want to know if it is at all possible to build a lasting relationship with someone that you know only through a physical relationship or is foundation vital to mind-blowing sex and a lasting relationship?

Sex Like a Man Pt. 2

2008-05-19T14:26:00.000-04:00

Now, in exploration of yesterday’s topic, I did some diggin’. I thought about what I’d asked and continued to ponder the complexity of sex from a woman’s perspective. I recalled a quote that I’d seen on a website that stated rather blatantly, “Date like a guy and you won’t get played like a bitch.” I must admit that for a little while I had this posted on one of my online pages and for a period made an attempt at dating this way. That period was precisely a moment in duration, but I digress. If, in fact, one takes on this mantra and ambitiously sets out to live their life this way – woman or man – isn’t hurt inevitable? My assumption – and frankly my distorted reasoning behind attempting this – is that people reason that adopting this dating approach will evade having their heart broken. But think about it. Dating with a man’s mentality (and I’m not talking about all men) usually comes back to bite someone on the ass and oft times the culprit is the one that comes out looking foolish. So, I’ll reiterate the question. Better still, I’ll rephrase it. While trying to apply dating like a guy to your dating strategy, isn’t devastation inevitable in the long run?

Sex Like a Man

2008-05-19T13:11:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite shows is the HBO series Sex and the City and in honor of the full-length feature release on May 30, I decided to use this week as a series-based block of discussion. I’ll be pulling from poignant episodes in addition to other sources, as I’ve done before. If you’ve never seen an episode, you should at least know that the show is about a group of women that live their lives dating and sharing their dating experiences in the Big Apple. In the very first episode of the series, the topic of women having sex like men is explored and two of the women went on missions to see if they could, in deed, detach themselves from the emotionalism of sex and just enjoy the act as is. No strings. Just sex. Samantha, the more sexually liberated one of the clan, had already mastered this practice and was enjoying life bouncing from one bed to another – like men have a tendency to do. Carrie ran into an old flame and decided to turn him into a fling. They made small talk, went back to his place for a mid-day romp, she got dressed and left. After leaving the apartment she wore a luminous smile and the voice over stated, “I’d just had sex like a man.” I found this to be interesting, at best. Never having been one to ever want to attempt having more than one partner, I found this baffling. How can a woman – being such an emotional creature, wanting to love and nurture all that we do – detach herself from something as emotionally involved as sex? Is it possible? Can a woman really have sex like a man?

Ordinary People

2008-05-15T16:00:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to add one more thing to the GET LIFTED Series. This series was meant to open our eyes and look at love, life, and relationships through the eyes of the opposite sex. But at the end of the day, we’re all just ordinary people. I don’t believe that we make mistakes but we do make ill decisions that often times we don’t realize affect others – especially those we love. There's what we do and what we don't do. Both are, in fact, conscious decisions. I didn’t spend time writing these blogs and reading your comments just to sound deep. Honestly, I didn’t even do it for some of the awesome responses that I’ve gotten. I did it so that you’d remember what was said, think about it, evaluate it and then, in turn, evaluate your actions. So with that said, thanks for reading and I hope you all look forward to the next block of discussion-fueled topics. I know I am! Emwha!!!!! Peace and love all!

Enamored

2008-05-15T11:50:00.000-04:00

When the word enamored is used it’s usually coupled with some type of heaven-sent feeling one develops for someone they love or want to love. One of my favorite bloggers gave me a great idea to conclude this series and I decided to run with it. Seeing as how this series was based around fidelity or more so, infidelity this just made perfect sense. When we’ve been cheated on whether you stay with the person that cheated or not, we have a tendency to develop this fascination with the person they cheated with. What did they look like? How much money do they make? What do they drive? Do they know about me? Do they know what I look like? Can they do what I do (enough said)? An example comes to mind. In the later days of Bill Cosby’s sitcom A DIFFERENT WORLD, Whitley and Dwayne were planning their wedding and the stress of the planning pushes him away and in turn, he “cheats’ on her. Well, in essence, he goes on a date but it doesn’t get any farther than dinner. He's open and honest with her (Wednesday's topic). In an instant, after finding out that she’s been betrayed, she becomes obsessed. Every woman that passes her she says, “Maybe it’s her!” Funnily enough, her best girlfriend Kim, who knows who the chick is, yells out “It’s not her, okay!” I’m not ashamed to admit that I became fascinated with the other woman once and couldn’t understand why. Not why I wasn't the only one, but why I was obsessed with the idea of this person. After a while, I was shocked as to how much I actually knew about her. We have a tendency to put them down. “She’s not even that cute!” But that’s another topic all together. So, to all of my wonderful readers, let’s end this block of discussion on a high. Why are we ENAMORED by the other person?

Shot out to Big Jerz for this one! I love you, dude!

ExFactor

2008-05-15T08:46:00.001-04:00

This past week’s series entitled GET LIFTED has made for enlightening and honest conversation and discussion. So much so, I was kind of stumped on what to write about today. Then I got to thinking, as usual. I began to listen to Lauren Hill’s 1998 solo project, The Miseducation of Lauren Hill. On the album she has a song entitled ExFactor. I listened and thought some more. I asked myself this question: What happens when we leave? Do we really leave? I know you’re thinking, what is she talking about? And if you’ve never had the pleasure of hearing the lyrics to this song then I can understand you being a little lost. I’ll elaborate. A little while ago I had a funny conversation with an ex-coworker/friend about a situation. We joked about how we always go back to what we know or better still, what we’re used to. We laughed and talked about some of the guys that we used to date and the ones we really loved. Towards the end of the conversation she said, “An ex is never really an ex.” Now if this is true, you’ve called yourself “moving on” and you’re ready to venture out and groove with someone new, how do you let the past go? The funny thing is, when you talk to some people that still fool around with their exes they usually don’t have anything really positive to say about them. “I mean that’s really all I know,” “We have history,” “That was my high school sweetheart.” What happens when they’re no longer so sweet? Yet you maintain a connection. What’s the hold up and why can’t we let go of what we know isn’t good for us? Especially when that good thing is staring you right in the face.

Spiteful Booty

2008-05-12T13:33:00.000-04:00

And so the saying goes, “There’s nothing like a woman scorned.” I usually use a movie as a reference and today is no different. One of my all time favorite movies is the BEST MAN, released in 1999 and starring Taye Diggs and Nia Long (as well as a host of other great African-American actors). And of course, this is a Spike Lee production so I had to include it in this series (and it’s directed by his brother Malcolm D. Lee). The movie is centered around a wedding. Some college friends reconnect for the big shin-dig around the time that one of the clan, Harper, the writer (Taye Diggs) gets ready to release his first novel, which airs some “dirty laundry”. By the end of the film the crew figures out that Harper had a fling with the groom’s bride-to-be and, needless to say, all hell breaks lose. I want to talk about Mia’s intent, the bride (Monica Calhoun). Lance, the groom (Morris Chestnut) is doing his thing throughout the relationship and it doesn’t help that he’s a professional athlete (wink-wink). She gets fed up and decides to gut-punch that ass and hit him where it hurts. She sleeps with his best friend – the best man. Damn! Scandalous, ain't it? Now, I don't believe that she ever wanted any of this to come out. She did it on the sly - in a very cunning and, might I add, commendable way. She wasn't blatant and loud with hers. Whether Lance knew or not, she did it and the idea was enough to satisfy the revenge she was seeking. He never really needed to know. She and Harper were really the only two that needed to know. However, Lance admits at the end of the movie, "I always knew she'd been with someone else." The fact that his best friend was "that self-serving, back-stabbing bastard" was added ammo. Women are naturally vindictive creatures. When we’re hurt, we go for the gusto. Unfortunately, I can recall some rash decisions I’ve made out of anger and the backlash wasn’t . . . well . . . good. And if you’ve seen this movie, you know that the backlash here was hellacious, to say the least. Today’s question, Why do we feel the need for revenge when we’ve been hurt?

Half Truths and Entire Lies

2008-05-09T09:14:00.002-04:00

At the beginning of this relationship series I posed this question: If the person that you’re with does, in fact, dip out, creep, or mess around and takes the measure of keeping it from you for your benefit (and theirs as well) does that discount their love for you or does it show how much they care (for lack of a better word) to keep you from finding out and being hurt? I mean Jody said it best to Yvette in John Singleton's BABY BOY, "I'm out here tellin' these ho's the truth. I lie to you 'cause I care about yo' feelin's." This question was raised with the knowledge that they are, in fact, together. On the flip side, Monday I mentioned a couple of situations where people that were in love weren’t together for whatever reason and were having outside affairs or meantime romances. But in each case the “victimized” party was told of what happened and I believe this shows a type of care and concern as well. The “doers” were open and honest (forcibly or by choice) about what went down. Sometimes these statements can be malicious. “Yeah, I slept with him” or “ Damn right, Keisha let me hit. You weren’t anywhere to be found” or "Well, I hadn't heard from you and I needed it. What do you expect me to do?" This is juvenile and not the basis of today’s topic of discussion. But when the two parties are separated yet there is still that love connection and they reconnect, isn’t honesty the only policy?