I’ve definitely reached a point in my life where I know what I want. Or at least I have a pretty good idea what I want. My needs are better suited for God to sort out. I do believe, however, that he has a knack for intertwining wants and needs if they’re so suited to be…. Intertwined. In this case, of course I’m talking about RELATIONSHIPS.
I’ve spent the last year determined to purge myself of every relationship that was out of the will of God. Things I knew had no possibility of flourishing or prospering because they weren’t God ordained. God has a way of weeding out the unnecessary, unhealthy, and ill-gotten things that we try so desperately to cling to.
After the last time I made a poor relationship choice, I opted to really take the time to get to know who I had become. One of the first things I learned was that, when you are constantly in a cycle of relationships you have very little time to see yourself change and evaluate those changes.
Every situation brings about some type of interpersonal change. Whether it be a resolve to not take or tolerate certain things, think before you act, “make them wait”, take it slow….. you’ve changed and the change can almost always be attributed to a situation or relationship that caused you to think that way.
The time that I’ve taken for myself has REALLY opened my eyes to not only what I want but to what God knows I need. I used to think I took time for myself after a break up when I’d sit still for a month, meet someone and continue the cycle. It’s been a little over a year and my God it feels good to actually be rid of all of the junk and baggage. Like really be rid of it. Not to feel all of the old feelings and hurt feelings when you hear someone’s name or see their face. I’ll elaborate in a minute.
The last person I attempted a relationship with was so far away from who God has ordained for me that God’s ripping the situation from my clutches was more painful than I can remember anything else being. BUT once my hands were off of it and God really showed me the person and their motives and THEIR baggage, I had the Oprah Aha! Moment. I remember asking myself early this year, “Is that really who you’d want to be the father of your children? Would you be proud to call him your husband?” And those two questions sealed the deal.
Lately, I’ve been praying that God prepare my heart to be a wife. It goes far beyond just wanting to be married. My desire to know God has increased. My desire to pray has increased. Not because I’m praying for a man but because the man that I know God has set aside for me, needs a praying wife. I find myself changing in lot of ways. From my saving habits to my housekeeping to planning ahead and the list goes on.
These habits were just things that kind of developed over time. As I started to evolve out of being broken and becoming a whole woman, my desire to be a good wife and to prepare myself NOW increased.
Now earlier I’d mentioned I wanted to elaborate on feelings arising when you hear someone’s name or see them or they hit you up on Facebook. I used to get really, really weak mainly because I never ridded myself of the person and I liked the idea of being in a relationship. Go back through some really old posts from this blog and you’ll see what I mean. I used to get so wrapped up in the thrill of it all that I almost missed what God was trying to teach me and who he was trying to give me.
It’s funny how the enemy waits for you to make a declaration so that he can build road blocks to keep you from your destination. Last week, I’d say for the last two weeks I’ve had three people that I used to date pop up. If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen this tweet but they were back to back to back. One of the men had called himself “The One for me” which I quickly shut down. Another requested to see me and I said “no” LIGHTENING fast. The last one, wanted to feel me out. To see if I’d ask about his life now. My plans for next year. I think he said he wanted to check on me. I think what was most enlightening about all three encounters was that I didn’t flinch. I didn’t pacify the situations and I didn’t act retarded and pretend it was God sending them back to me. Oh and I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve done that ☺ I guess another thing that I’ve learned to do is turn up the voice of God and tune out distractions like those three. And if you know anything about Biblical numerology that number three means a lot.
I’m not sure why I felt the need to post this. I think deep down, I’m closer than I think I am to being introduced to my forever. Closer than I realized I was. And I know God doesn’t give you your past and disguise it as your future. So in the mean time, in between time, I keep preparing and who knows…. One of these days you may get an interesting post about destiny, love, love and forever being fulfilled.
Showing posts with label Dating and Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating and Relationships. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Soul Mates Revisited
“You only get one. Two tops.”
“One what?”
"True love.”
“True love my a**, man. Love is what you make and with whom you make it. That’s it.”
“Yeah, well. I think I messed up twice. You’d think by now I’d have a little more insight. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what to think….”
“THAT, my friend, is your problem right there. Physics this sh*t ain’t. It ain’t supposed to make sense. Love. Passion. It is what it is.”
Anyone who’s heard this conversation knows that it comes from one of my favorite movies, Love Jones. As many times as I’ve watched the movie and recited the script blow for blow, this discourse stood out to me last night and I began to think.
At first, I began to recant some statements that I’d made in a post a few months back. If you don’t remember, it had to do with the topic of soul mates and a question a friend raised to me about the possibility of such a thing. I don’t know, I think I began to straddle the fence and began hanging more on the side of Darius (the one struggling with having lost the second woman he’d ever loved).
Is it true? Do we only have one (two tops) opportunities in our lifetime to experience the pristine occurance of falling in love and falling hard? The more I thought about it, the more I believe it to be true. Yes, a lifetime is a long time but when it comes to building something lasting with someone, it’s not that long at all. So, if my hypothesis is correct, I guess the idea of a soul mate isn’t that farfetched.
Who knows, a soul mate and a true love could very well be two different things, which could turn this post into another discussion in itself.
But maybe, just maybe…..
What if the heavens opened up and dropped someone wonderful in your life. Like the piece to jigsaw puzzle, it was kismet. Not perfect but you’re perfect for each other.
Now, in Darius’ case, he allowed true love to slip through his fingers because of selfishness and a lack of willingness to work. And granted love is work. Hard work. I always say, it’s easy to fall in love, but staying is the hard part. If you haven’t seen the movie, a year passes and he gets her back. Typical Hollywood ending.
Now I can also relate to Ed’s argument. It’s not rocket science. “Love is what you make and with whom you make it.”
I think both arguments can be married in a sense. You fall in love but it has to be nurtured. Who knows? I’m just “spit balling” or “shootin’ from the hip.” I think it’s a pretty good question though.
I guess my main question is: Are soul mates and true loves synonymous or two entirely different entities?
“One what?”
"True love.”
“True love my a**, man. Love is what you make and with whom you make it. That’s it.”
“Yeah, well. I think I messed up twice. You’d think by now I’d have a little more insight. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what to think….”
“THAT, my friend, is your problem right there. Physics this sh*t ain’t. It ain’t supposed to make sense. Love. Passion. It is what it is.”
Anyone who’s heard this conversation knows that it comes from one of my favorite movies, Love Jones. As many times as I’ve watched the movie and recited the script blow for blow, this discourse stood out to me last night and I began to think.
At first, I began to recant some statements that I’d made in a post a few months back. If you don’t remember, it had to do with the topic of soul mates and a question a friend raised to me about the possibility of such a thing. I don’t know, I think I began to straddle the fence and began hanging more on the side of Darius (the one struggling with having lost the second woman he’d ever loved).
Is it true? Do we only have one (two tops) opportunities in our lifetime to experience the pristine occurance of falling in love and falling hard? The more I thought about it, the more I believe it to be true. Yes, a lifetime is a long time but when it comes to building something lasting with someone, it’s not that long at all. So, if my hypothesis is correct, I guess the idea of a soul mate isn’t that farfetched.
Who knows, a soul mate and a true love could very well be two different things, which could turn this post into another discussion in itself.
But maybe, just maybe…..
What if the heavens opened up and dropped someone wonderful in your life. Like the piece to jigsaw puzzle, it was kismet. Not perfect but you’re perfect for each other.
Now, in Darius’ case, he allowed true love to slip through his fingers because of selfishness and a lack of willingness to work. And granted love is work. Hard work. I always say, it’s easy to fall in love, but staying is the hard part. If you haven’t seen the movie, a year passes and he gets her back. Typical Hollywood ending.
Now I can also relate to Ed’s argument. It’s not rocket science. “Love is what you make and with whom you make it.”
I think both arguments can be married in a sense. You fall in love but it has to be nurtured. Who knows? I’m just “spit balling” or “shootin’ from the hip.” I think it’s a pretty good question though.
I guess my main question is: Are soul mates and true loves synonymous or two entirely different entities?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Love's Timetable
Love’s Timeline
An interesting summer it’s been. So much so that my approach to love and love politics has drastically changed. The next series of blog posts will be along the lines of LOVE (which is nothing new), love’s timing, love’s appropriateness, and whatever else keeps me tossing and turning throughout the night. These days, slumberless hours are commonplace.
One of the topics that has me by the reigns right now is love’s timing. Yeah, that’s what I said. Believe me, I never thought I’d question such a thing but lately I’ve begun to wonder. Does love ever have bad timing?
It kind of makes sense when you think enough about it.
But to reiterate the question at hand, does love have a tendency to have bad timing? Ashley, what in the world does that mean? How can love have bad timing?
Just think about it. You’re in a position that isn’t favorable for loving another person. You’re tied up with certain life issues, situations, isms, and schisms that have you bound in a way that loving someone else [right now] seems to be too much….
Let me give you all a scenario.
You’re going about your day-to-day as you always have. Life isn’t the best but you’ve promised yourself and the people in your life that you’re going to work through all these “things” before you consider yourself and your own happiness. What we like to call the “brave front.” Then one day you happen to meet someone. Neither of you is looking to date or have a partner but you hit it off. Because both of you have a lot going on, you resolve to remain friends until things blow over (however long that may take). Friendship proves to break down some emotional barriers. You learn a lot about each other - internally and externally – and feelings begin to flourish. Before you know it, love has lugged all it’s baggage into your heart’s front door and you’re feeling things and wanting things that – for a period – you never thought you’d have. Everything is perfect. They may not be perfect but they’re perfect for you. But time….. time is a funny thing. You’re both put in a position to weigh what’s going to happen. If circumstances are extenuating enough, one or both of you has mapped out the next few years (before having met each other) and you or they were never on the map. All that love stuff was supposed to come later. When life slowed down , thinking was easier, and weights weren’t perpetually on your shoulders. So, now what?
There’s a rift. Breaks are pumped. Tires screech and feelings are capped tightly forced to be stunted. Everything wonderful comes to a screeching halt. “Let’s just figure this out. This is too much right now.” Things have to change quickly because this wasn’t in the plan. Time apart? Probably a good idea but love continues to grow. As the saying goes, “Absence makes the heart grow…. Fonder.” So, how do you keep things in perspective? This isn’t wrong but it’s totally not…. On time. The right timetable, so to speak.
I guess my second question would be, if love’s timing is off and you consent to taking time to figure it all out, is it worth the wait or should you keep it moving? Waiting, however, doesn’t imply standing completely still but more or less, living your lives separately until you can live harmoniously together. I know what I think but really want to know what you all think.
Can love have bad timing? And if so, if that love is earthquaking enough, is it worth the wait?
An interesting summer it’s been. So much so that my approach to love and love politics has drastically changed. The next series of blog posts will be along the lines of LOVE (which is nothing new), love’s timing, love’s appropriateness, and whatever else keeps me tossing and turning throughout the night. These days, slumberless hours are commonplace.
One of the topics that has me by the reigns right now is love’s timing. Yeah, that’s what I said. Believe me, I never thought I’d question such a thing but lately I’ve begun to wonder. Does love ever have bad timing?
It kind of makes sense when you think enough about it.
But to reiterate the question at hand, does love have a tendency to have bad timing? Ashley, what in the world does that mean? How can love have bad timing?
Just think about it. You’re in a position that isn’t favorable for loving another person. You’re tied up with certain life issues, situations, isms, and schisms that have you bound in a way that loving someone else [right now] seems to be too much….
Let me give you all a scenario.
You’re going about your day-to-day as you always have. Life isn’t the best but you’ve promised yourself and the people in your life that you’re going to work through all these “things” before you consider yourself and your own happiness. What we like to call the “brave front.” Then one day you happen to meet someone. Neither of you is looking to date or have a partner but you hit it off. Because both of you have a lot going on, you resolve to remain friends until things blow over (however long that may take). Friendship proves to break down some emotional barriers. You learn a lot about each other - internally and externally – and feelings begin to flourish. Before you know it, love has lugged all it’s baggage into your heart’s front door and you’re feeling things and wanting things that – for a period – you never thought you’d have. Everything is perfect. They may not be perfect but they’re perfect for you. But time….. time is a funny thing. You’re both put in a position to weigh what’s going to happen. If circumstances are extenuating enough, one or both of you has mapped out the next few years (before having met each other) and you or they were never on the map. All that love stuff was supposed to come later. When life slowed down , thinking was easier, and weights weren’t perpetually on your shoulders. So, now what?
There’s a rift. Breaks are pumped. Tires screech and feelings are capped tightly forced to be stunted. Everything wonderful comes to a screeching halt. “Let’s just figure this out. This is too much right now.” Things have to change quickly because this wasn’t in the plan. Time apart? Probably a good idea but love continues to grow. As the saying goes, “Absence makes the heart grow…. Fonder.” So, how do you keep things in perspective? This isn’t wrong but it’s totally not…. On time. The right timetable, so to speak.
I guess my second question would be, if love’s timing is off and you consent to taking time to figure it all out, is it worth the wait or should you keep it moving? Waiting, however, doesn’t imply standing completely still but more or less, living your lives separately until you can live harmoniously together. I know what I think but really want to know what you all think.
Can love have bad timing? And if so, if that love is earthquaking enough, is it worth the wait?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Soul Mates?
Good morning you guys! I've been on break from dating and even giving my phone number to anyone for a few months. I guess out of the frustration and disappointment of empty promises and relationships on roads to nowhere, I needed some me time. Serial dating had caused me to literally forget my desires for dating. What I wanted out of it or rather who. The break's over (lol) as of very recently but I'm leery and a lot more careful than I used to be.
One thing this testosterone hiatus has given me is bifocals and a hearing aide. I feel I've matured a great deal and my senses have been heightened in a positive way. I know what I don't want but I really know what do want. I can honestly say that I never really did know what I wanted. I knew what sounded good though.
I guess I've said all of that to say that a friend of mine (male) sent me a message this morning. He was on his way to the gym and said that he was thinking about this concept and wanted my insight. I felt so important! (lol). I've edited some of what he said and left the meat of the question. Here goes...
Q: Before I go, let me drop this on you, I'm kicking around this thought in my head about the term "soul mate" wanted to get your take on that. I mean, have you every encountered one? Do you believe it exists?
A: Good morning. Yet another incredible question that I do think a lot about but never really discussed with anyone. (I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy lol) I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to glue the concept together. But in all honesty I do and don't believe they exist. I guess I can begin with why I believe: Well I think once you've fallen in love, really in love. Sickening, selflessly in love, you couldn't see yourself with anyone else. Nothing else matters. The end of the world is your destination and you couldn't see being without your "one true love". They have to be your soul mate. At least that's what the hysteria and irrationality of being in love tells us. But then something happens and we maybe get hurt, love begins to dissolve, and we see things we don't want to see. Who we thought was our soul mate isn't anymore. Which leads me to reasoning why they don't exist: Love is work and I believe it takes falling in love for real AGAIN to really know that. The first time (I can only speak from my experience) you're a buzz with emotion and the notion that "love conquers all" is misconstrued and you think you don't have to put forth the effort to make it last. Love takes care of itself. So I guess what I'm saying is "soul mates" are partly kismet and the other part is strictly what the two people make of their meeting and if they really want their souls to mate and stay together.
So what do you all think? Is a soul mate a soap opera fantasy or are our relationships really things we have to work for?
I hope to hear from you all soon! Love ya!
One thing this testosterone hiatus has given me is bifocals and a hearing aide. I feel I've matured a great deal and my senses have been heightened in a positive way. I know what I don't want but I really know what do want. I can honestly say that I never really did know what I wanted. I knew what sounded good though.
I guess I've said all of that to say that a friend of mine (male) sent me a message this morning. He was on his way to the gym and said that he was thinking about this concept and wanted my insight. I felt so important! (lol). I've edited some of what he said and left the meat of the question. Here goes...
Q: Before I go, let me drop this on you, I'm kicking around this thought in my head about the term "soul mate" wanted to get your take on that. I mean, have you every encountered one? Do you believe it exists?
A: Good morning. Yet another incredible question that I do think a lot about but never really discussed with anyone. (I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy lol) I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to glue the concept together. But in all honesty I do and don't believe they exist. I guess I can begin with why I believe: Well I think once you've fallen in love, really in love. Sickening, selflessly in love, you couldn't see yourself with anyone else. Nothing else matters. The end of the world is your destination and you couldn't see being without your "one true love". They have to be your soul mate. At least that's what the hysteria and irrationality of being in love tells us. But then something happens and we maybe get hurt, love begins to dissolve, and we see things we don't want to see. Who we thought was our soul mate isn't anymore. Which leads me to reasoning why they don't exist: Love is work and I believe it takes falling in love for real AGAIN to really know that. The first time (I can only speak from my experience) you're a buzz with emotion and the notion that "love conquers all" is misconstrued and you think you don't have to put forth the effort to make it last. Love takes care of itself. So I guess what I'm saying is "soul mates" are partly kismet and the other part is strictly what the two people make of their meeting and if they really want their souls to mate and stay together.
So what do you all think? Is a soul mate a soap opera fantasy or are our relationships really things we have to work for?
I hope to hear from you all soon! Love ya!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The Black Church's Dilemma
As a woman (in church) I’ve made some observations. Now, these observations are nothing new. I’ve always noticed this and always vowed that I would NEVER date a man that was in church. As illogical as it may sound, I lived by the reason that I’d get him saved but I didn’t want one that was already there.
Huh? Ashley, that makes no sense. Allow me to explain or first pose a question. Is it just me or does it seem that the men in the Black church are on either end of the spectrum? They’re either promiscuous heterosexuals or feminine and confused. I’m serious and not at all trying to be funny but I guess with 30 getting closer and closer, my desire to have a godly husband to govern over my beautiful family (as figurative as it may be), and wanting to be in ministry with my future husband, I’m purely speaking out of sheer frustration.
I was raised in church. Both my parents were devoted to raising us to love God and to (no matter how much we hated it) learn to love church and to build our relationships with God. However, we stray and are determined to find our way in our own way and I dated nothing but “unsaved” men. Not simply because of my lifestyle but because I couldn’t see myself with that type of guy.
You know the ones. Let me give you some examples. Eyebrows arched. Dressed better than me (and I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of fashion). Around nothing but feminine men or a boatload of flashy women. Hands like cotton and he has little to no aggression with approaching a woman to let her know that he’s interested in her. Here’s a better example: When you’re talking to them you have to catch yourself from saying “Girl”. Am I the only one? “girl, let me tell you!” It’s this or the men in church who find the weak-minded women, the ones they can manipulate, turn out, and leave high and dry.
As badly as I hate to admit it, single and saved Black women are at a loss. The men in many of the Black churches are not interested in us and we don’t have white women to blame in this scenario. No, no. We have the other men in the congregation to contend with. They’re the ones that get the men. How disheartening is that? A church full men and void of men at the same time.
Since re-dedicating my life to the God I love, I pray daily that He continues to work on my husband. I pray for our disadvantage. I pray for the shortage of men in church. I pray that God breaks the bond of confusion that has the minds of our men. Now this is only for the women who seek a godly man to love God first and then to love them. It hurts my feelings every time I see it.
Both my sisters are married and one of my sisters recently admitted to me that she never thought she’d get married because of this dilemma. She knew she’d be single because Christian men aren’t interested in Christian women. They don’t seem to be interested in women period but I digress.
I know that God has something and someone wonderful for me in the near future and my hearts cry isn’t simply for me but it’s for all my single sisters in Christ (and even the married women in Christ who later learned what they didn’t want to about their husbands) that we all receive the desires of our heart. A man that loves God and loves his WIFE as well.
Huh? Ashley, that makes no sense. Allow me to explain or first pose a question. Is it just me or does it seem that the men in the Black church are on either end of the spectrum? They’re either promiscuous heterosexuals or feminine and confused. I’m serious and not at all trying to be funny but I guess with 30 getting closer and closer, my desire to have a godly husband to govern over my beautiful family (as figurative as it may be), and wanting to be in ministry with my future husband, I’m purely speaking out of sheer frustration.
I was raised in church. Both my parents were devoted to raising us to love God and to (no matter how much we hated it) learn to love church and to build our relationships with God. However, we stray and are determined to find our way in our own way and I dated nothing but “unsaved” men. Not simply because of my lifestyle but because I couldn’t see myself with that type of guy.
You know the ones. Let me give you some examples. Eyebrows arched. Dressed better than me (and I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of fashion). Around nothing but feminine men or a boatload of flashy women. Hands like cotton and he has little to no aggression with approaching a woman to let her know that he’s interested in her. Here’s a better example: When you’re talking to them you have to catch yourself from saying “Girl”. Am I the only one? “girl, let me tell you!” It’s this or the men in church who find the weak-minded women, the ones they can manipulate, turn out, and leave high and dry.
As badly as I hate to admit it, single and saved Black women are at a loss. The men in many of the Black churches are not interested in us and we don’t have white women to blame in this scenario. No, no. We have the other men in the congregation to contend with. They’re the ones that get the men. How disheartening is that? A church full men and void of men at the same time.
Since re-dedicating my life to the God I love, I pray daily that He continues to work on my husband. I pray for our disadvantage. I pray for the shortage of men in church. I pray that God breaks the bond of confusion that has the minds of our men. Now this is only for the women who seek a godly man to love God first and then to love them. It hurts my feelings every time I see it.
Both my sisters are married and one of my sisters recently admitted to me that she never thought she’d get married because of this dilemma. She knew she’d be single because Christian men aren’t interested in Christian women. They don’t seem to be interested in women period but I digress.
I know that God has something and someone wonderful for me in the near future and my hearts cry isn’t simply for me but it’s for all my single sisters in Christ (and even the married women in Christ who later learned what they didn’t want to about their husbands) that we all receive the desires of our heart. A man that loves God and loves his WIFE as well.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's Cake
"So you like him. You genuinely like him." Yes, it's still very new. Yes, majority of my posts are about my serial dating. It seems almost ritualistic when I think about it but I digress.
I have the best coversations with the woman that runs the building that I work in. This morning, after returning my office key to her she stopped me and we got into a conversation about a gentleman I'm seeing. She's met him and she likes him. As do I. But I mentioned how I have a tendency to rush when it comes to relationships. Enthralled in the hooplah that makes relationship an ornament of perfect imperfection. Let's face it common sense is the enemy of romance. So she looked at me and she said, "Ashley, he's been up front with you about being driven, career oriented, and very busy at times. It's still very early. It's only been a month and a half. Don't ice the cake too soon."
You all know that I love a good analogy and that's the best one I've heard in a while. Any of us that bake on occassion know the consequences that follow putting sugary icing on a warm cake. The surgar melts, the cake starts to fall apart, the icing slides off. And what are you left with? One big, gooey, mess. Totally been there.
But when the time and attention is added as the main ingredient.... mmmmmm. So yeah I like him. A lot. And I don't want to mess it up. So, I'm letting the cake cool. I can wait. I mean let's face it, the icing is the best part...
Bye guys....
I have the best coversations with the woman that runs the building that I work in. This morning, after returning my office key to her she stopped me and we got into a conversation about a gentleman I'm seeing. She's met him and she likes him. As do I. But I mentioned how I have a tendency to rush when it comes to relationships. Enthralled in the hooplah that makes relationship an ornament of perfect imperfection. Let's face it common sense is the enemy of romance. So she looked at me and she said, "Ashley, he's been up front with you about being driven, career oriented, and very busy at times. It's still very early. It's only been a month and a half. Don't ice the cake too soon."
You all know that I love a good analogy and that's the best one I've heard in a while. Any of us that bake on occassion know the consequences that follow putting sugary icing on a warm cake. The surgar melts, the cake starts to fall apart, the icing slides off. And what are you left with? One big, gooey, mess. Totally been there.
But when the time and attention is added as the main ingredient.... mmmmmm. So yeah I like him. A lot. And I don't want to mess it up. So, I'm letting the cake cool. I can wait. I mean let's face it, the icing is the best part...
Bye guys....
Monday, June 8, 2009
Love without Resolution
In light of all of the things that took place this weekend, I still managed to muster a few hours to think about something that's been keeping my mind foggy for a little over a month now. I sat down in my sunroom and immediately my mind went to CLOSURE (in relationships). I came to the conclusion that closure in relationships is a right. Something earned. At least by those that fought through the relationship. Now, if you (or they) were the type of lover that was fly-by-night and really not a solid companion, then you didn't earn that right. But let's just say, thick and thin, high notes and low notes, mood swings and cloud 9's, broke as two jokes or comfortable and happy... you were there. Supporting them, encouraging them, praying for them, loving them. And out of no where things changed without closure. This is what I like to call... love without resolution. When you're denied that right to know what happened and why, the person that denies you of a simple explanation has emmence power over you. Now your rights as a party to said relationship have been deminished to almost nothing. Now you're left to try figuring out what went wrong. If you said or did the wrong thing. You're mind is consumed. Let's face it, it's easier to deal with "I can't do this anymore" or the infamous, "It's not you it's me" line. But when there's nothing said and it's just over, what do you do with yourself? (Question 1) Now, from personal experience resolution-less love only has adverse affects when you did indeed love the person. Now, I know the saying goes, "If you love someone you've got to know when to let them go." I get that...
But here's my other question: Before letting go, is it wrong to fight for a resolution? Even if but to ease your mind...
Just a question... Help me out! Have a good Monday guys!
But here's my other question: Before letting go, is it wrong to fight for a resolution? Even if but to ease your mind...
Just a question... Help me out! Have a good Monday guys!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Nurtured Soil
Last week I had one of my enlightening conversations. I was talking to someone about a "love situation" and somehow we or, should I say he, likened it to my new found love of gardening and planting and all that good stuff. You'll get the gist of the conversation if you pay close attention to this analogy.
So, I'm growing tomatoes, among other veggies, but when growing a tomato plant it's vital to prune the branches. This makes for more fruit and a healthier fruit bearer, if you will. Now in relationships we have a tendency to try to use the same method of operation. Trying to prune and pluck away the unnecessary so that we can have a bountiful and abuntantly happy relationship with someone else. Not realizing that the focus isn't just on the harvest. It's not even on the seed planted to produce the harvest. The focus should be on what the seed was planted in. If the soil is dry and nurtient starved, it won't bear much fruit but if the plant is transplanted into healthy, rich soil... you get where I'm going. Back tracking to the pruning technique... those branches will grow back. The ones you tried to pluck away. The hurt feelings and sleepless nights. The insecurities and idiosyncratic behavior from past situations will sprout themselves again if the plant itself (YOU) isn't transplanted into nurtured soil.
Okay, so I thought about this for a little while and then began to think, "Well, where does the nurtured soil come from?" Now this is my own personal philosophy but I believe it comes with time spent alone. Composting all of the dead things. Tossing them all together and letting them break themselves down so that all that's left is the lesson learned. And just like with making compost all that's really left after all the "leftovers" are broken down is the nitrogen which causes the plant to grow tremendously. So let's say the lessons learned are the nitrogen in a relationship. I believe that this type of growth can really only take place when you've spent time reevaluating and allowing the "leftovers" to break themselves down. Once the compost is ready to be added to some soil (new relationship) all that needs to be done is the transplant. Now this isn't to say there isn't any more work involved...
I know this may seem very scatter-brained, I tried my best to explain my new relationship philosophy as plain as I possibly could. I guess you could say, spending time gardening has opened my mind even more. I don't think I've thought so much in such a short period of time. lol!!!! I think it makes sense though and I just wanted to give you all something to chop up and chew on for your Monday. So, if you want to leave a comment feel free. If not, I'm sure I'll have something else to say tomorrow.
Buh-bye friends!
So, I'm growing tomatoes, among other veggies, but when growing a tomato plant it's vital to prune the branches. This makes for more fruit and a healthier fruit bearer, if you will. Now in relationships we have a tendency to try to use the same method of operation. Trying to prune and pluck away the unnecessary so that we can have a bountiful and abuntantly happy relationship with someone else. Not realizing that the focus isn't just on the harvest. It's not even on the seed planted to produce the harvest. The focus should be on what the seed was planted in. If the soil is dry and nurtient starved, it won't bear much fruit but if the plant is transplanted into healthy, rich soil... you get where I'm going. Back tracking to the pruning technique... those branches will grow back. The ones you tried to pluck away. The hurt feelings and sleepless nights. The insecurities and idiosyncratic behavior from past situations will sprout themselves again if the plant itself (YOU) isn't transplanted into nurtured soil.
Okay, so I thought about this for a little while and then began to think, "Well, where does the nurtured soil come from?" Now this is my own personal philosophy but I believe it comes with time spent alone. Composting all of the dead things. Tossing them all together and letting them break themselves down so that all that's left is the lesson learned. And just like with making compost all that's really left after all the "leftovers" are broken down is the nitrogen which causes the plant to grow tremendously. So let's say the lessons learned are the nitrogen in a relationship. I believe that this type of growth can really only take place when you've spent time reevaluating and allowing the "leftovers" to break themselves down. Once the compost is ready to be added to some soil (new relationship) all that needs to be done is the transplant. Now this isn't to say there isn't any more work involved...
I know this may seem very scatter-brained, I tried my best to explain my new relationship philosophy as plain as I possibly could. I guess you could say, spending time gardening has opened my mind even more. I don't think I've thought so much in such a short period of time. lol!!!! I think it makes sense though and I just wanted to give you all something to chop up and chew on for your Monday. So, if you want to leave a comment feel free. If not, I'm sure I'll have something else to say tomorrow.
Buh-bye friends!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The "Love is Blind" Thing...
There are so many avenues and ways to go about pulling apart the old saying, "love is blind." It could mean so many things. Superficial or it could be taken a little deeper than that. We can talk about and analyze that saying for hours... days even. But the other night I was lying in bed reading and came across something that stood out to me. "Love is indeed blind, and it makes you acknowledge qualities in a person that don't exist...." I guess this was interesting to me having been in love and experiencing the ups and downs, I know that I had a tendency to make the person out to be something he wasn't. Mainly because what he wasn't was what I needed him to be. So the slightest sign or taste of the need was enough. Making me magnify his lack and manipulate it into being something positive. Am I alone here or has anyone else been there? When you think about it, it's dangerous to be that impaired, if you will. Vision impaired that is. You can't see the forest for the trees. Clinging to what you want. Falling for "the want" and allowing that to obscure your vision to the obvious. Needs become secondary. Wants are now priority. I posted something similar in reference to a Jill Scott poem "Love Rain" (2/5/09). Remember? "Now me non clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible..." Go back and read it! lol!!!! The tone of that post is similar to this question but not identical. In part, it applies to that "Love is indeed blind..." statement. Packs a punch. I guess all I'm really asking is... what are some measures that you all feel should be taken to circumvent "blindness" in relationships?
Have a "rock-out" Wednesday guys!
Have a "rock-out" Wednesday guys!
Layoff Relationships
I got a good chuckle when I opened my eyes this morning. Habitually, when I wake up in the morning I slide my phone open to see if there are any missed calls or texts. This morning I had a few and one of them was from a guy that I was talking to a little while ago. Lately he's been trying to get back "in there" and I'm just not havin' it. Typical layoff relationship. Huh? Just listen. First, let's pair analogies. You're unemployed and you're desperately seeking work. I mean, you're beyond qualified and immensely frustrated. You want a good job but they don't seem to be available. So, you settle. You settle for a job opening with a company that has overtly expressed it's lack of growth potential. Oh but it looks good. You'll get some benefits and the whole nine, but not for the long hawl. No this is totally temporary. The pay's good too but still it's temporary. You twist your mouth and think briefly. "I'll take it! Shucks, I got bills to pay!" Now you know good and well that if they don't lay you off in six months to a year that you're going to have to quit them when the right job comes along. Well, that is if you're not too distracted with what has your attention at the moment...
Now, let's liken that to a relationship. You're single and have a desire to be in a relationship. Frustrated isn't even the word for the way you're feeling. All the good ones seem to be taken, but you get an offer. He's good looking. Tall, dark, and handsome. Smells like a dream. We've heard and reitereated the old adage, "Never judge a book by it's cover" but let's face it, sometimes the cover is far more interesting than the content. But still... here you go... "I'll take it! Shucks, I got needs that need to be met!" So you spend time together. Bored out of your mind but it's attention. That's something, right? Uh uh! You know good and well that six months to a year down the road, you're either going to get "laid off" or you're going to have to quit him for a good gig. Well, that's if you're not too distracted and complacent with him to realize the good gig when it comes along. Six months to a year of time wasted that could've been spent getting yourself together for what you really needed. Interesting...
The good jobs don't always start out paying the greatest though. You've got to prove yourself before you can come out on top. But there is definte growth potential there. A future. Now, THAT'S something. Needless to say, I've been ignoring the overt "job" offers I've been receiving lately to avoid being distracted when a "real gig" comes along. I just laughed to myself when I read the text and that's where all of this layoff stuff came from. lol!!!! But it makes sense, doesn't it?
So, I guess I went through all of that to ask a few simple questions:
1) Why do we have a tendency to settle for the layoff?
2)Would you rather be miserable in a "nowhere" or "layoff" relationship or single and "frustrated"?
3)Lastly, have we gotten so used to and complacent with deadend "jobs" that we're intimidated by the work wrapped up in a "job" with a future? (By "job" I mean relationship)
Have a great day guys!
Now, let's liken that to a relationship. You're single and have a desire to be in a relationship. Frustrated isn't even the word for the way you're feeling. All the good ones seem to be taken, but you get an offer. He's good looking. Tall, dark, and handsome. Smells like a dream. We've heard and reitereated the old adage, "Never judge a book by it's cover" but let's face it, sometimes the cover is far more interesting than the content. But still... here you go... "I'll take it! Shucks, I got needs that need to be met!" So you spend time together. Bored out of your mind but it's attention. That's something, right? Uh uh! You know good and well that six months to a year down the road, you're either going to get "laid off" or you're going to have to quit him for a good gig. Well, that's if you're not too distracted and complacent with him to realize the good gig when it comes along. Six months to a year of time wasted that could've been spent getting yourself together for what you really needed. Interesting...
The good jobs don't always start out paying the greatest though. You've got to prove yourself before you can come out on top. But there is definte growth potential there. A future. Now, THAT'S something. Needless to say, I've been ignoring the overt "job" offers I've been receiving lately to avoid being distracted when a "real gig" comes along. I just laughed to myself when I read the text and that's where all of this layoff stuff came from. lol!!!! But it makes sense, doesn't it?
So, I guess I went through all of that to ask a few simple questions:
1) Why do we have a tendency to settle for the layoff?
2)Would you rather be miserable in a "nowhere" or "layoff" relationship or single and "frustrated"?
3)Lastly, have we gotten so used to and complacent with deadend "jobs" that we're intimidated by the work wrapped up in a "job" with a future? (By "job" I mean relationship)
Have a great day guys!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Angry LOVE Letters
This is another one of my totally random relationship questions but I wanted to ask it...
We've all written at least one love letter in our lives. lol!!!! Don't lie. Even if you never mailed it or never gave it to the person it was written to. You took a moment to get your feelings out on paper. Now with the way LOVE LETTERS are depicted, they're supposed to be gushy and lovie dovie, make-you-sick antics about how head over heels your are for that oh-so-special someone. But is there such thing as an angry love letter? A letter of frustration. Still putting your feelings out there, but the ugly ones. The hurt feelings. The wanna-know-why feelings. Now personally, I believe there is more of an undertone of love in this type of letter. Why waste time writing it if you're not insanely in love, right? I mean let's be real...if you're done with said situation, then you're just done. Case closed. Deuces. Kick rocks. I'mma be about my business. But if you really want to fight with both hands. Closed fists. Balls out. Blood, sweat, and tears on top of tears, writing an angry love letter makes sense. We all know love doesn't feel good all the time. Yes, I know I'm slightly off with my overly-analytical mind when it comes to love and relationships but I just thought about that. I thought it was probing. So, to reiterate the questions I posed...
1) Is there such thing as an angry (more so frustrated) love letter?
2) And if so, isn't the depth of love in said letter deeper than that of the puppy love nonsense (no pun) that we see in the "movie-type" love letter?
Just a question... Help me out!
We've all written at least one love letter in our lives. lol!!!! Don't lie. Even if you never mailed it or never gave it to the person it was written to. You took a moment to get your feelings out on paper. Now with the way LOVE LETTERS are depicted, they're supposed to be gushy and lovie dovie, make-you-sick antics about how head over heels your are for that oh-so-special someone. But is there such thing as an angry love letter? A letter of frustration. Still putting your feelings out there, but the ugly ones. The hurt feelings. The wanna-know-why feelings. Now personally, I believe there is more of an undertone of love in this type of letter. Why waste time writing it if you're not insanely in love, right? I mean let's be real...if you're done with said situation, then you're just done. Case closed. Deuces. Kick rocks. I'mma be about my business. But if you really want to fight with both hands. Closed fists. Balls out. Blood, sweat, and tears on top of tears, writing an angry love letter makes sense. We all know love doesn't feel good all the time. Yes, I know I'm slightly off with my overly-analytical mind when it comes to love and relationships but I just thought about that. I thought it was probing. So, to reiterate the questions I posed...
1) Is there such thing as an angry (more so frustrated) love letter?
2) And if so, isn't the depth of love in said letter deeper than that of the puppy love nonsense (no pun) that we see in the "movie-type" love letter?
Just a question... Help me out!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
What do you do?
This week has been a thinkie week for me. "Thinkie's" my new word. lol!!! But yeah, I've been thinking and I wrote a few poems this week and one in particular has me gripped right now. You all know I love relationship topics. I love picking apart relationship issues and with the topic of the poem I wrote... you'll get the gist of it when/if you read what I'm about to say. I was putting on my pajamas a few moments ago and started thinking aloud. The question "what do you do????".... kept coming to mind and I added a different ending each time. It started getting heavy. So, I ran to the computer and began typing as the words came to me. None of this is thought out. It's just coming out of me as you're reading it. I've never done this before for anyone else to read but this is a normal practice for me. It's a game I used to play with an old friend and I guess it kinda stuck. I wrote this little paragraph after the paragraph below so... You get to experience one of my favorite writing exercises as it's taking place. I guess now it's called... WHAT DO YOU DO?
What do you when you're hands are tied? When you've acknowledged that you do, indeed want to finally pursue something with someone legitimately and your hands are tied? Tied tightly. When you want to call and you know you shouldn't? Not because you know they're busy but because you've already called too much. Days have passed and your mind is swimming. The last time you spoke wasn't on the best of terms but you still want it. Consumed with "are you okay?" or "are we okay?" When you've never had that mutual "I wanna be with you too" conversation and now that you do have that sitting in your lap... staring you in your face, you run with it. Throwing caution to the wind. You run with that and they run with you. Emotions tied up in someone as equally imperfect as you are. When you let your guard down and hope for the best. The rest is really a mere formality. When you've lost regard for yourself? When your life isn't nearly as important as theirs? Oh here's a good one... when you've dealt with BS (excuse my French) excuses.... you know the ones.... "I was working late, "I ain't have my phone on me" and then you meet someone who gives reasons as to why their availability to you is miniscule at times. Legitimate reasons you don't dare question because their hardships seem far more "real" than yours. So, you try to step back and let some air in. Suffocating on the reality that you've lost complete control. What do you do when you lose control? What do you do? How do you handle all of that and still be okay? Do they come around? Is it really worth it? Was it bad judgement? Or just being hardheaded? Or is it just the way relationship's cookie crumbles? What do you do when you're a wreck and it seems like no one cares but you? When calls go unanswered and your mind is buzzing with what could've happened? Did I miss something? Did I say the wrong thing? What do you do when your vulnerability is no longer an accessory but a part of you? You take it everywhere you go. One simple conversation has stripped you bare and it's made you an open book? How do you handle yourself? What do you do? What do you do when the person that's supposed to understand you the most, the one you're supposed to share yourself with, your best friend, the love of your life makes you wait? What do you do? What do you when time stands still while your mind races echoing the last conversation you had? When you can't imagine your life without them and can't understand why it's all so hard at the same time? What do you do when the reality of relationship gets to be too... "real"? When "goodbye" was the last thing you heard them say instead of "I love you?" What do you do? What do you do when you know your life wouldn't be the same without them but truthfully would be a little easier to deal with. When you feel like you're heard and not listened to? When your feelings seem secondary? What do you do when no one can make you laugh as hard and cry as easily as they can? What in the world do you do? Hmmmmmm....I've been thinking a lot this week. Just figured I'd pose some really random (yet real) questions. Answer any and/or all if you'd like... bye guys! Have a wonderful weekend!
What do you when you're hands are tied? When you've acknowledged that you do, indeed want to finally pursue something with someone legitimately and your hands are tied? Tied tightly. When you want to call and you know you shouldn't? Not because you know they're busy but because you've already called too much. Days have passed and your mind is swimming. The last time you spoke wasn't on the best of terms but you still want it. Consumed with "are you okay?" or "are we okay?" When you've never had that mutual "I wanna be with you too" conversation and now that you do have that sitting in your lap... staring you in your face, you run with it. Throwing caution to the wind. You run with that and they run with you. Emotions tied up in someone as equally imperfect as you are. When you let your guard down and hope for the best. The rest is really a mere formality. When you've lost regard for yourself? When your life isn't nearly as important as theirs? Oh here's a good one... when you've dealt with BS (excuse my French) excuses.... you know the ones.... "I was working late, "I ain't have my phone on me" and then you meet someone who gives reasons as to why their availability to you is miniscule at times. Legitimate reasons you don't dare question because their hardships seem far more "real" than yours. So, you try to step back and let some air in. Suffocating on the reality that you've lost complete control. What do you do when you lose control? What do you do? How do you handle all of that and still be okay? Do they come around? Is it really worth it? Was it bad judgement? Or just being hardheaded? Or is it just the way relationship's cookie crumbles? What do you do when you're a wreck and it seems like no one cares but you? When calls go unanswered and your mind is buzzing with what could've happened? Did I miss something? Did I say the wrong thing? What do you do when your vulnerability is no longer an accessory but a part of you? You take it everywhere you go. One simple conversation has stripped you bare and it's made you an open book? How do you handle yourself? What do you do? What do you do when the person that's supposed to understand you the most, the one you're supposed to share yourself with, your best friend, the love of your life makes you wait? What do you do? What do you when time stands still while your mind races echoing the last conversation you had? When you can't imagine your life without them and can't understand why it's all so hard at the same time? What do you do when the reality of relationship gets to be too... "real"? When "goodbye" was the last thing you heard them say instead of "I love you?" What do you do? What do you do when you know your life wouldn't be the same without them but truthfully would be a little easier to deal with. When you feel like you're heard and not listened to? When your feelings seem secondary? What do you do when no one can make you laugh as hard and cry as easily as they can? What in the world do you do? Hmmmmmm....I've been thinking a lot this week. Just figured I'd pose some really random (yet real) questions. Answer any and/or all if you'd like... bye guys! Have a wonderful weekend!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Selfishness vs. Selflessness
Happy Friday all! I had this kind of random question pop in my head while I was brushing my teeth this morning. So I'm going to ask and see if any of you are open-minded enough to indulge me with your opinions. So here goes....
Do you find it easier or more difficult to be selfless when you're in love? Or is it impossible to not be inadvertently selfish (at least some of the time)?
I honestly have no idea why I was thinking about that or if it even makes a whole lot of sense but I just wanted to see who could help me out with a little insight. Thanks for the help in advance. Love you guys and have a good weekend....
Do you find it easier or more difficult to be selfless when you're in love? Or is it impossible to not be inadvertently selfish (at least some of the time)?
I honestly have no idea why I was thinking about that or if it even makes a whole lot of sense but I just wanted to see who could help me out with a little insight. Thanks for the help in advance. Love you guys and have a good weekend....
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Love Rain
Last night (or tonight) I was sitting and listening to one of my favorite poets, Jill Scott. Her first LP, Who Is Jill Scott? - Words and Sounds Volume 1. I got stuck on the track that owns the same title as today's (tonight's) post. Having heard the song a million and three times, something she said stood out to me and then made the rest of the song/poem all the more profound. "Now me non-clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible." I froze for a moment thinking as usual. Damn! To realize how true it is. When we reach that point of love - even if just the foretaste, it seems to make the things we need to pay close attention to, the things that have their arms flailing, screaming "look at me" or "something's not right here," the things that we should heed before getting in too deep . . . for some reason love blinds us to the obvious. Why is that? Now I'm not blaming love for failed relationships or ill decisions or things that went ignored but I do know that I'm not the only one that this has happened to. So, I'll ask again, why oh why do we allow the IDEA of LOVE to blind us to the things that are sure-fire warnings that this isn't . . . good love?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Blind Date Horror
So ya’ll know that I use this blog as a bit of a journal. Some of the things that you read are things that happen to me that I post almost immediately. So here’s another entry. A little over a year ago, I was set up on a blind date by a friend who thought that I needed an escape out of a situation I was in. It’s funny how people think getting over someone automatically means meeting someone new. That’s not always the case – especially not with this instance. I wasn’t ready to “move” but I agreed to go on this god-awful date anyway. I tried being positive but there really wasn’t anything to be positive about. We didn’t mesh well, had nothing in common, and he had absolutely no drive or ambition. Friendship is one thing, but we were introduced romantically and there was no vibe. After a few dates he decided to act like he wanted to get serious after I honestly expressed to him that I wasn’t ready for anything with someone else. I think the last time that I saw him was July of last year and the last time we spoke was October of last year. After that last conversation I stopped answering his calls and prayed that he’d either forget I existed or accept the fact that friendship was all he was going to get. Needless to say, ya girl wasn’t interested, at least not in anything more than friendship. Skip forward twelve months and I get a phone call out of the blue from you know who. I ignored it at first and then I figured he wanted nothing more than to say “hello” and call it a day. So I call him back, so as not to look like a complete bitch. We had a pretty good conversation and he informed me that he’d be in the area visiting family and wouldn’t mind us having dinner to catch up. I didn’t see any harm in us having dinner so I agreed and we met. For some reason something didn’t feel right about our meeting. All day at work I was dreading seeing him. He’d left me several messages on my phone during the course of the day. I wanted to back out but he’d already arrived and was waiting for me at the designated meeting place. I went with my gut and drove myself. I didn’t want him to pick me up and drive me anywhere. Those funny feelings we most often need to follow and foolishly ignore. Fortunately, he didn’t know where I lived. So we had dinner and I talked about my love life and how things were going with me. I asked him about his and he instantly began complaining. I tried coaching him (like a friend would do) but he constantly veered the conversation to the far left and tried to make “this” a date. I corrected the waiter when he assumed we were married. An innocent mistake but I made it clear that we were just friends. I was so hell-bent that I think everyone in the restaurant knew we were . . . JUST FRIENDS! It was a meal between FRIENDS. But after a while buddy wigged out on me. He jumped off of the subject of career ambition and onto the subject of sex. He found it shocking that I hadn’t had too much “experience” and thought it only proper for the two of us to . . . ya’ll know what I’m getting at! Our “relationship”, even with the few outings that we’d been on together, was never physical. Well, nothing more than a tap-tap hug. The ones that say, “Let me go before I come out of my skin” all the while you’re constantly tapping them on the back and giggling nervously. I was appalled at the gall of him to suggest such a thing after I’d made it plain that we were JUST FRIENDS and I was happy with my life as it was. I tried to explain to him that I’m not one of those women that has the desire to try on partners like Manolo Blahniks. I like the one pair that works and I’m happy with that. He wasn’t satisfied and continued to mock me and my experience as a woman. Let me just say . . . lots of experience does the opposite of make you a good woman but I digress. Okay so maybe I have to eat the fact that I shouldn’t have agreed to have dinner with him. I really thought that he (being 9 years older than me) was more mature than that. I mean damn. It was the Hand of God (no lie) that got me out of there. I got a phone call concerning a family emergency and that was my ticket. I haven’t heard from him since Friday and I want to keep it that way. Ugh!
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