Good morning you guys! I've been on break from dating and even giving my phone number to anyone for a few months. I guess out of the frustration and disappointment of empty promises and relationships on roads to nowhere, I needed some me time. Serial dating had caused me to literally forget my desires for dating. What I wanted out of it or rather who. The break's over (lol) as of very recently but I'm leery and a lot more careful than I used to be.
One thing this testosterone hiatus has given me is bifocals and a hearing aide. I feel I've matured a great deal and my senses have been heightened in a positive way. I know what I don't want but I really know what do want. I can honestly say that I never really did know what I wanted. I knew what sounded good though.
I guess I've said all of that to say that a friend of mine (male) sent me a message this morning. He was on his way to the gym and said that he was thinking about this concept and wanted my insight. I felt so important! (lol). I've edited some of what he said and left the meat of the question. Here goes...
Q: Before I go, let me drop this on you, I'm kicking around this thought in my head about the term "soul mate" wanted to get your take on that. I mean, have you every encountered one? Do you believe it exists?
A: Good morning. Yet another incredible question that I do think a lot about but never really discussed with anyone. (I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy lol) I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to glue the concept together. But in all honesty I do and don't believe they exist. I guess I can begin with why I believe: Well I think once you've fallen in love, really in love. Sickening, selflessly in love, you couldn't see yourself with anyone else. Nothing else matters. The end of the world is your destination and you couldn't see being without your "one true love". They have to be your soul mate. At least that's what the hysteria and irrationality of being in love tells us. But then something happens and we maybe get hurt, love begins to dissolve, and we see things we don't want to see. Who we thought was our soul mate isn't anymore. Which leads me to reasoning why they don't exist: Love is work and I believe it takes falling in love for real AGAIN to really know that. The first time (I can only speak from my experience) you're a buzz with emotion and the notion that "love conquers all" is misconstrued and you think you don't have to put forth the effort to make it last. Love takes care of itself. So I guess what I'm saying is "soul mates" are partly kismet and the other part is strictly what the two people make of their meeting and if they really want their souls to mate and stay together.
So what do you all think? Is a soul mate a soap opera fantasy or are our relationships really things we have to work for?
I hope to hear from you all soon! Love ya!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The State of Black Literature
Anyone that knows me well enough, knows that I don't just write. I have an obsession with books. Not one of those collect too many and only read a few. I read everything I purchase. My reading isn't always because of interest but because I like to see what people like to read. Because I haven't broken the market yet, I like to be familiar with what I have to contend with.
Monday night, I had a book club meeting and it happened to be at a bookstore. When the meeting was over I stayed behind and poked around in my favorite section. Because, I'm an African American writer, I like to see what my colleagues have been churning out. Needless to say, I was gravely disappointed. I don't want to list titles because said authors are in a place that I look to be in in the near future.
However, it's disheartening when publishers won't give you a chance but manage to put garbage on bookshelves. The title tells the whole story so why would I buy that? I mean really. How many she's a hoe, he's a dog, I'm cheatin', I'm a stripper on the side but I have a family at home crappy novels can there be? When does it end? When do the newbies get a chance to shine.
Starving artist is an understatement. I used to think it referred to lack of money and in turn, a lack of food. That's not what it means. Starvation comes from the hunger of you (the artist) NEEDING your voice to be heard.
This particular entry doesn't just apply to novelists or poets but any artist that is frustrated out of their minds because they know "they've got the goods" but can't seem to catch a break.
You know it's love when you'd you'd do your craft whether you got paid or not but you know it's magnified passion when you're willing to fight to be heard.
That's all I have to say today, guys.
Love ya!
Monday night, I had a book club meeting and it happened to be at a bookstore. When the meeting was over I stayed behind and poked around in my favorite section. Because, I'm an African American writer, I like to see what my colleagues have been churning out. Needless to say, I was gravely disappointed. I don't want to list titles because said authors are in a place that I look to be in in the near future.
However, it's disheartening when publishers won't give you a chance but manage to put garbage on bookshelves. The title tells the whole story so why would I buy that? I mean really. How many she's a hoe, he's a dog, I'm cheatin', I'm a stripper on the side but I have a family at home crappy novels can there be? When does it end? When do the newbies get a chance to shine.
Starving artist is an understatement. I used to think it referred to lack of money and in turn, a lack of food. That's not what it means. Starvation comes from the hunger of you (the artist) NEEDING your voice to be heard.
This particular entry doesn't just apply to novelists or poets but any artist that is frustrated out of their minds because they know "they've got the goods" but can't seem to catch a break.
You know it's love when you'd you'd do your craft whether you got paid or not but you know it's magnified passion when you're willing to fight to be heard.
That's all I have to say today, guys.
Love ya!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The Black Church's Dilemma
As a woman (in church) I’ve made some observations. Now, these observations are nothing new. I’ve always noticed this and always vowed that I would NEVER date a man that was in church. As illogical as it may sound, I lived by the reason that I’d get him saved but I didn’t want one that was already there.
Huh? Ashley, that makes no sense. Allow me to explain or first pose a question. Is it just me or does it seem that the men in the Black church are on either end of the spectrum? They’re either promiscuous heterosexuals or feminine and confused. I’m serious and not at all trying to be funny but I guess with 30 getting closer and closer, my desire to have a godly husband to govern over my beautiful family (as figurative as it may be), and wanting to be in ministry with my future husband, I’m purely speaking out of sheer frustration.
I was raised in church. Both my parents were devoted to raising us to love God and to (no matter how much we hated it) learn to love church and to build our relationships with God. However, we stray and are determined to find our way in our own way and I dated nothing but “unsaved” men. Not simply because of my lifestyle but because I couldn’t see myself with that type of guy.
You know the ones. Let me give you some examples. Eyebrows arched. Dressed better than me (and I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of fashion). Around nothing but feminine men or a boatload of flashy women. Hands like cotton and he has little to no aggression with approaching a woman to let her know that he’s interested in her. Here’s a better example: When you’re talking to them you have to catch yourself from saying “Girl”. Am I the only one? “girl, let me tell you!” It’s this or the men in church who find the weak-minded women, the ones they can manipulate, turn out, and leave high and dry.
As badly as I hate to admit it, single and saved Black women are at a loss. The men in many of the Black churches are not interested in us and we don’t have white women to blame in this scenario. No, no. We have the other men in the congregation to contend with. They’re the ones that get the men. How disheartening is that? A church full men and void of men at the same time.
Since re-dedicating my life to the God I love, I pray daily that He continues to work on my husband. I pray for our disadvantage. I pray for the shortage of men in church. I pray that God breaks the bond of confusion that has the minds of our men. Now this is only for the women who seek a godly man to love God first and then to love them. It hurts my feelings every time I see it.
Both my sisters are married and one of my sisters recently admitted to me that she never thought she’d get married because of this dilemma. She knew she’d be single because Christian men aren’t interested in Christian women. They don’t seem to be interested in women period but I digress.
I know that God has something and someone wonderful for me in the near future and my hearts cry isn’t simply for me but it’s for all my single sisters in Christ (and even the married women in Christ who later learned what they didn’t want to about their husbands) that we all receive the desires of our heart. A man that loves God and loves his WIFE as well.
Huh? Ashley, that makes no sense. Allow me to explain or first pose a question. Is it just me or does it seem that the men in the Black church are on either end of the spectrum? They’re either promiscuous heterosexuals or feminine and confused. I’m serious and not at all trying to be funny but I guess with 30 getting closer and closer, my desire to have a godly husband to govern over my beautiful family (as figurative as it may be), and wanting to be in ministry with my future husband, I’m purely speaking out of sheer frustration.
I was raised in church. Both my parents were devoted to raising us to love God and to (no matter how much we hated it) learn to love church and to build our relationships with God. However, we stray and are determined to find our way in our own way and I dated nothing but “unsaved” men. Not simply because of my lifestyle but because I couldn’t see myself with that type of guy.
You know the ones. Let me give you some examples. Eyebrows arched. Dressed better than me (and I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of fashion). Around nothing but feminine men or a boatload of flashy women. Hands like cotton and he has little to no aggression with approaching a woman to let her know that he’s interested in her. Here’s a better example: When you’re talking to them you have to catch yourself from saying “Girl”. Am I the only one? “girl, let me tell you!” It’s this or the men in church who find the weak-minded women, the ones they can manipulate, turn out, and leave high and dry.
As badly as I hate to admit it, single and saved Black women are at a loss. The men in many of the Black churches are not interested in us and we don’t have white women to blame in this scenario. No, no. We have the other men in the congregation to contend with. They’re the ones that get the men. How disheartening is that? A church full men and void of men at the same time.
Since re-dedicating my life to the God I love, I pray daily that He continues to work on my husband. I pray for our disadvantage. I pray for the shortage of men in church. I pray that God breaks the bond of confusion that has the minds of our men. Now this is only for the women who seek a godly man to love God first and then to love them. It hurts my feelings every time I see it.
Both my sisters are married and one of my sisters recently admitted to me that she never thought she’d get married because of this dilemma. She knew she’d be single because Christian men aren’t interested in Christian women. They don’t seem to be interested in women period but I digress.
I know that God has something and someone wonderful for me in the near future and my hearts cry isn’t simply for me but it’s for all my single sisters in Christ (and even the married women in Christ who later learned what they didn’t want to about their husbands) that we all receive the desires of our heart. A man that loves God and loves his WIFE as well.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
New Amerykah Pt 2: Return of the Ankh
It's been a while since I did an album review and I'm nothing close to a music guru but I know what I like. I've been anxiously anticipating the the second installment of New Amerykah since the first one was released two years ago. If you aren't familiar let me give you a briefing. New Amerykah Part 1 4th World War, to me, is strictly funk. Drawing from the legendary inspiration of Parliament Funkadelic and Jimmi Hendrix. The second installment, however, is nothing but soul. It's hard to critique something when I'm partial to the artist. Everything she's ever released is in my collection and if you're a true fan - as I am - I implore you to download or pick up a copy today!
Window Seat is the first single (released on February 5, 2010) and I've attached a link to the official video. The message is insane and the song is.... Just listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jF-AKFAtQQ8
My favorite track so far (aside from Window Seat) is Turn Me Away (Get Munny) on which she brilliantly samples the classic Notorious BIG song "Get Money."
All I can say is this just might be the sound track for my second book. Perfect chill music. So if you were wondering if it was worth it to purchase the answer is DOUBLE YES!!!!
P.S. If you download the album you'll get the bonus track Jump Up in the Air (featuring Lil' Wayne and Bilal)
Thanks for reading.....
Window Seat is the first single (released on February 5, 2010) and I've attached a link to the official video. The message is insane and the song is.... Just listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jF-AKFAtQQ8
My favorite track so far (aside from Window Seat) is Turn Me Away (Get Munny) on which she brilliantly samples the classic Notorious BIG song "Get Money."
All I can say is this just might be the sound track for my second book. Perfect chill music. So if you were wondering if it was worth it to purchase the answer is DOUBLE YES!!!!
P.S. If you download the album you'll get the bonus track Jump Up in the Air (featuring Lil' Wayne and Bilal)
Thanks for reading.....
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Visually Displeasing
So today was another rough "beauty day" to say the least. I felt okay at first. Mainly because I spent majority of the day around infants and their biggest concern is either their next diaper change, bottle, or why-in-the-world-haven't-you-picked-me-up-yet? My hair was pretty much the last thing on my mind. Then I went to church this evening and came home and most of my twists in the front had unravelled. I have pretty soft hair so this is to be expected. I mean, yeah it's been two weeks but my patience is being severely challenged. I guess it's true what they say about us living in an instant generation and society. Everything has to be right now and automatic. Process is foreign to us and this process (for lack of another word) is trying.
I love the encouragement and the connection that I feel with other people with locks (whether they're newbies or seasoned) but this first two weeks has been rough. I do not feel attractive. No matter what I do, how much make up I put on. Sunday my hair was doing what it wanted to do so I decided to put on the most frilly, girly frock I could find in my closet just to feel the way I'm used to feeling and it did nothing. Although I received many compliments I still felt awkward and untamed. It must be all over my face because yesterday, I was in Trader Joe's and a young lady in the elder stage of her journey smiled at me as she took the shopping baskets back outside. When she returned she asked me if I needed a bag and then asked, "How long have you had your locks."
I chuckled and answered, "Almost two weeks."
And she replied, "I know this is rough but you gotta go through it. I promise it's gonna pass and it's gonna be worth. But it suits you."
I smiled and asked a few questions and headed on my way. I felt good for the moment but I find myself staring at myself all the time. Excited about the end result but not thrilled about what I have to do to get there.
As I'm typing this, I'm getting a revelation and am looking at this far beyond my hair. I'm being taught some things and it's really uncomfortable but as the young lady said, "It's gonna pass and it's gonna be worth it."
I don't want to call it the ugly stage. It sounds demeaning. Almost as though I made a mistake. But what seems to be more ironically appropriate is the grooming stage.
Ironic because, I look unkempt by my standards but am being groomed for something much bigger than long locks. If I can sit through this process then.....
I love the encouragement and the connection that I feel with other people with locks (whether they're newbies or seasoned) but this first two weeks has been rough. I do not feel attractive. No matter what I do, how much make up I put on. Sunday my hair was doing what it wanted to do so I decided to put on the most frilly, girly frock I could find in my closet just to feel the way I'm used to feeling and it did nothing. Although I received many compliments I still felt awkward and untamed. It must be all over my face because yesterday, I was in Trader Joe's and a young lady in the elder stage of her journey smiled at me as she took the shopping baskets back outside. When she returned she asked me if I needed a bag and then asked, "How long have you had your locks."
I chuckled and answered, "Almost two weeks."
And she replied, "I know this is rough but you gotta go through it. I promise it's gonna pass and it's gonna be worth. But it suits you."
I smiled and asked a few questions and headed on my way. I felt good for the moment but I find myself staring at myself all the time. Excited about the end result but not thrilled about what I have to do to get there.
As I'm typing this, I'm getting a revelation and am looking at this far beyond my hair. I'm being taught some things and it's really uncomfortable but as the young lady said, "It's gonna pass and it's gonna be worth it."
I don't want to call it the ugly stage. It sounds demeaning. Almost as though I made a mistake. But what seems to be more ironically appropriate is the grooming stage.
Ironic because, I look unkempt by my standards but am being groomed for something much bigger than long locks. If I can sit through this process then.....
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Long Lock Walk
I've never been so excited and so terrified in my life. I guess now I kind of have a feel as to what my wedding day will be like. Jitters and the preoccupation with the way I look. Wanting everything to be perfect and wanting the forever journey to be RIGHT NOW. I guess you can say I've already performed a sacred union. I'm married to my hair and we've started a beautiful relationship. I mean yeah, it's only been a week but I've learned a lot about myself.
Lesson number one was my level of vanity. Yeah, I'm a tiny bit vain. But aren't we all? Don't we all struggle with acceptance, wanting to look a certain way, blend a certain. I've always been a bit of a "sore thumb" as far as personality and interests are concerned but this is my HAIR!!!!
One of the most truthful things I've heard in the past seven days is, "Wow, that takes courage." Mind you this fell from the lips of a sistah that looks like me and was born with hair curled tightly like mine but she'd just made the decision to alter its behavior. I remember being like that. I remember being natural and not being as comfortable with it as I pretended to be. Things have since changed.
I've developed an uncanny obsession with my natural hair. The way it feels. The way it responds to these starter locs (or nubs as I like to call them). I've fallen in love and I'm finally loc'ed up and free. Pun absolutely intended.
I get tickled about the fact that I've started locs around the same time that I want to settle down and meet my husband. "Who in the world wants to take Buckwheat on a date?" I asked myself on the second day that I unveiled my babies. But to my surprise, my "courage" has become captivating somehow and I've learned that any man that is disgusted with the way that I've chosen to nurture my hair isn't the father of my children. It's just that simple.
I wake up every day, more and more in love with the process. Although at first I thought I may have lost my mind, I quickly remembered everything that I've heard other loc'ed individuals profess. "The Buckwheat phase is short lived. You'll be surprised how quickly it passes."
So that's what I'm holding on to.... and I'm loving this....
I'm finally committed to who I was made to be and what I was made to look like and I'm proud of it.....
Until next time....
Love, love, love
Lesson number one was my level of vanity. Yeah, I'm a tiny bit vain. But aren't we all? Don't we all struggle with acceptance, wanting to look a certain way, blend a certain. I've always been a bit of a "sore thumb" as far as personality and interests are concerned but this is my HAIR!!!!
One of the most truthful things I've heard in the past seven days is, "Wow, that takes courage." Mind you this fell from the lips of a sistah that looks like me and was born with hair curled tightly like mine but she'd just made the decision to alter its behavior. I remember being like that. I remember being natural and not being as comfortable with it as I pretended to be. Things have since changed.
I've developed an uncanny obsession with my natural hair. The way it feels. The way it responds to these starter locs (or nubs as I like to call them). I've fallen in love and I'm finally loc'ed up and free. Pun absolutely intended.
I get tickled about the fact that I've started locs around the same time that I want to settle down and meet my husband. "Who in the world wants to take Buckwheat on a date?" I asked myself on the second day that I unveiled my babies. But to my surprise, my "courage" has become captivating somehow and I've learned that any man that is disgusted with the way that I've chosen to nurture my hair isn't the father of my children. It's just that simple.
I wake up every day, more and more in love with the process. Although at first I thought I may have lost my mind, I quickly remembered everything that I've heard other loc'ed individuals profess. "The Buckwheat phase is short lived. You'll be surprised how quickly it passes."
So that's what I'm holding on to.... and I'm loving this....
I'm finally committed to who I was made to be and what I was made to look like and I'm proud of it.....
Until next time....
Love, love, love
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's Cake
"So you like him. You genuinely like him." Yes, it's still very new. Yes, majority of my posts are about my serial dating. It seems almost ritualistic when I think about it but I digress.
I have the best coversations with the woman that runs the building that I work in. This morning, after returning my office key to her she stopped me and we got into a conversation about a gentleman I'm seeing. She's met him and she likes him. As do I. But I mentioned how I have a tendency to rush when it comes to relationships. Enthralled in the hooplah that makes relationship an ornament of perfect imperfection. Let's face it common sense is the enemy of romance. So she looked at me and she said, "Ashley, he's been up front with you about being driven, career oriented, and very busy at times. It's still very early. It's only been a month and a half. Don't ice the cake too soon."
You all know that I love a good analogy and that's the best one I've heard in a while. Any of us that bake on occassion know the consequences that follow putting sugary icing on a warm cake. The surgar melts, the cake starts to fall apart, the icing slides off. And what are you left with? One big, gooey, mess. Totally been there.
But when the time and attention is added as the main ingredient.... mmmmmm. So yeah I like him. A lot. And I don't want to mess it up. So, I'm letting the cake cool. I can wait. I mean let's face it, the icing is the best part...
Bye guys....
I have the best coversations with the woman that runs the building that I work in. This morning, after returning my office key to her she stopped me and we got into a conversation about a gentleman I'm seeing. She's met him and she likes him. As do I. But I mentioned how I have a tendency to rush when it comes to relationships. Enthralled in the hooplah that makes relationship an ornament of perfect imperfection. Let's face it common sense is the enemy of romance. So she looked at me and she said, "Ashley, he's been up front with you about being driven, career oriented, and very busy at times. It's still very early. It's only been a month and a half. Don't ice the cake too soon."
You all know that I love a good analogy and that's the best one I've heard in a while. Any of us that bake on occassion know the consequences that follow putting sugary icing on a warm cake. The surgar melts, the cake starts to fall apart, the icing slides off. And what are you left with? One big, gooey, mess. Totally been there.
But when the time and attention is added as the main ingredient.... mmmmmm. So yeah I like him. A lot. And I don't want to mess it up. So, I'm letting the cake cool. I can wait. I mean let's face it, the icing is the best part...
Bye guys....
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