Friday, July 27, 2007
I don't have an elaborate explanation as to why I'm asking this question. I was just sitting at my desk today and looked out my window and began to think. I started thinking about the times when you could walk outside on a sunny day and see girls playing double dutch, hear ice cream truck bells in the distance, and taking a trip to the corner store was a big deal in itself. Times when it was perfectly okay to let your children play in the front yard without worrying about them being violated or abducted. Even the times when dating wasn't such a hassle, being in love was actually a good thing, and being committed didn't correlate to insanity. Is it just me or have times changed?
It's funny how life deals you cards. And just like with any card game, it's a mystery what hand you've been dealt until you flip the cards over and make an attempt at playing the game. You win some and unfortunately you lose some. You count your losses and move on. You can't help what hand you've been dealt, but you can choose whether or not you want to play. In this particular situation, I decided to play even after seeing the shitty cards I was dealt. Now, I'm the type of person that doesn't regret anything. There really aren't any mistakes - there's what you do and what you don't do. The game I played was fun and exhilarating at times but more often than not it was heartbreaking, devastating, and exhausting. But it was my choice - a choice I have to live with. And that's another thing about life . . . you can't live without learning. And I can definitely say that I learned from this. If ever my destiny's card dealer shuffles and deals another shitty hand to my side of the card table, I know now to slide them right back across. That gesture, followed by a smile and the request to shuffle again. I guess you could say this game was truly a lesson learned. Oh and I'm about to play the hell out of my next hand.
It's interesting how bad life situations have a tendency to infect our judgement and in turn breed cynacism. We find ourselves on the perimeter of something that we once thought should and clould be a wonderful experience. Doubtful and defeated, we truck on wondering if that "thing" could ever happen to us and in the right way. When you cry because you love them, not because they hurt you. When you spend the night alone but aren't lonely. And when missed calls will eventually be returned without question. I'm finding myself in this place. A little cynical while at the same time being hopeful that one day . . . that "thing" will be real for me.