It's Cake

"So you like him. You genuinely like him." Yes, it's still very new. Yes, majority of my posts are about my serial dating. It seems almost ritualistic when I think about it but I digress.

I have the best coversations with the woman that runs the building that I work in. This morning, after returning my office key to her she stopped me and we got into a conversation about a gentleman I'm seeing. She's met him and she likes him. As do I. But I mentioned how I have a tendency to rush when it comes to relationships. Enthralled in the hooplah that makes relationship an ornament of perfect imperfection. Let's face it common sense is the enemy of romance. So she looked at me and she said, "Ashley, he's been up front with you about being driven, career oriented, and very busy at times. It's still very early. It's only been a month and a half. Don't ice the cake too soon."

You all know that I love a good analogy and that's the best one I've heard in a while. Any of us that bake on occassion know the consequences that follow putting sugary icing on a warm cake. The surgar melts, the cake starts to fall apart, the icing slides off. And what are you left with? One big, gooey, mess. Totally been there.

But when the time and attention is added as the main ingredient.... mmmmmm. So yeah I like him. A lot. And I don't want to mess it up. So, I'm letting the cake cool. I can wait. I mean let's face it, the icing is the best part...


Bye guys....

The Beautiful Read

What it do, boo(s)?!?!? Wow! It's been a minute! I say that every time I go on hiatus, huh? *smile* Well, it's been a while but I've been living and enjoying the summer. This is a short and sweet post simply to invite you to join The Beautiful Read. If you've got a Facebook account (and most of you do) type in "The Beautiful Read" and you'll find the group. Of course it's a book lover's haven and each month I pick a book and we read it together. Right now we're still reading The Thing Around Your Neck and we'll be starting something new at the end of September. So, jump on the bandwagon and get some literature in you! It's all about the books that we wouldn't ordinarily pick up at the library or the book store. Basically we're staying away from Eric Jerome Dickey, Terry McMillian, Zane, and the like. All are phenomenal writers but we've got to get out of that comfort zone and that's the plan. So pick up a copy of the book, join the group, and post comments on the group discussion board. Love you guys and we'll see you beautiful readers on Facebook. mwha! Have a happy and safe Labor Day weekend! Until the next time....

BLACKsummers'night

Well, well, well. It's been eight years since we've heard the melodious sounds of Maxwell's sultry voice and sensual lyrics. Yesterday, July 7, 2009, BLACKsummers'night was released.Can we say, "Well worth the wait"? Maxwell hasn't skipped a beat and his style is right on track with where he left off eight years ago with NOW. His first single, Pretty Wings, made fans anticipate this release, the first installment in a trilogy of new music from the artist. The second single has been on repeat for most of the day. Bad Habits is an ode to the oh-so-familiar addictive, unhealthy, yet thrilling at times habitual bad relationship. The music is sick, as if we'd expect anything less from Maxwell. Other tracks that I've taken a liking to: Fist Full of Tears, Phoenix Rise, Playing Possum, and Love You. Ummmmmm go and get it. Or go and download or whatever you have to do (just don't dub it!). It's one of those Saturday-drive-with-the-windows-down-and-the-music-bumpin' kind of albums. I'm so in love with this man! lol!!!! Peace out guys!

MJ Moments....

What's up, guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I fell off for the past couple weeks but ya'll know I love ya! Well, it was like the shot heard 'round the world. It seemed like the world stopped when it was confirmed that Michael Jackson left us on Thursday. Ironically enough, it seems like he may be just a little relieved that he no longer has to deal with being pulled apart and turned into media fodder. We all know that socially he lived a very "unfair" life. Above it all he was a performer to his heart. He bled music and stained the industry. He'll never be forgotten.

So many Michael Jackson songs can be associated with so many wonderful, nastolgic memories. I read a post from Lupe Fiasco today and he said (paraphrasing), "I try to be sad but then one of his songs comes on the radio and I start singing along and smiling again." I couldn't agree more. So for all the MJ fans that may come across this post or those of you on the readers list, let's hear it.... FAVE MJ SONGS/MOMENTS -->>>


My fave songs:
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
PYT
Rock With You
Off The Wall
Butterflies
Remember the Time
Smooth Criminal

I could go on and on. Feel free to share. Peace out!!!!

Get Lost! - Testament of Humanity

Those two words may sound brutally abrasive and mildly aggressive but those two words have new meaning to me. I came across one (of many) incredibly gripping lines at the tale end of the book that I just finished. The main character is dealing with some internal and external situations and decides to take a sabbatical from people. You've got to read the book to really understand her need to do this. In the process she finds herself.... finding herself. I was very emotional reading the last two chapters. Mainly because I identify with her on an emotional and relational level. As the book drew to a close she said, "You have to lose yourself to find yourself." This is when the tears began to flow and I kept repeating that over and over again to myself. "You have to lose yourself to find yourself."

We've all found ourselves lost in love, financial hardship, emotional detriment, bad friendships, abusive relationships, careers, heartbreak... We get lost. It's called HUMANNESS. The trick is to not stay lost. Getting lost is the first part. The necessary part. The first necessary part of the process. If you don't get lost, there's nothing for you to learn or... find. You don't want to get lost so much so that you can't find the true you - the beautifully human you.

As I sat here typing this, I thought about something my dad used to tell me long before I started driving. We'd gotten lost on one of the many long roads in Raleigh and I started getting figgity, anxious, and nervous. I don't remember what I said but I'm sure it was along the lines of, "Daddy, are you lost?" or "Do you know where we are?" I'll never forget what he said, "I'm just a little turned around but all I have to do is keep straight. I'll find my way." And funnily enough, he always did.

So, the next time you hear someone say, "Get lost!" Don't get offended... get to work! Get to work finding you. That's all. I hope your Tuesday is fantabulous! Love, love, love!

Love without Resolution

In light of all of the things that took place this weekend, I still managed to muster a few hours to think about something that's been keeping my mind foggy for a little over a month now. I sat down in my sunroom and immediately my mind went to CLOSURE (in relationships). I came to the conclusion that closure in relationships is a right. Something earned. At least by those that fought through the relationship. Now, if you (or they) were the type of lover that was fly-by-night and really not a solid companion, then you didn't earn that right. But let's just say, thick and thin, high notes and low notes, mood swings and cloud 9's, broke as two jokes or comfortable and happy... you were there. Supporting them, encouraging them, praying for them, loving them. And out of no where things changed without closure. This is what I like to call... love without resolution. When you're denied that right to know what happened and why, the person that denies you of a simple explanation has emmence power over you. Now your rights as a party to said relationship have been deminished to almost nothing. Now you're left to try figuring out what went wrong. If you said or did the wrong thing. You're mind is consumed. Let's face it, it's easier to deal with "I can't do this anymore" or the infamous, "It's not you it's me" line. But when there's nothing said and it's just over, what do you do with yourself? (Question 1) Now, from personal experience resolution-less love only has adverse affects when you did indeed love the person. Now, I know the saying goes, "If you love someone you've got to know when to let them go." I get that...

But here's my other question: Before letting go, is it wrong to fight for a resolution? Even if but to ease your mind...

Just a question... Help me out! Have a good Monday guys!

B.A.A. - Week Three

Okay... we're (or I'm) on week three of the summer book excursion. I'm on book four and I'm in awe. I've always been an Eric Jerome Dickey fan and he really did it with this one. PLEASURE released April 2008 epitomizes its title. Just a little taste... the main character is warring with her Gemini sign and is finding the war between abnormal and normal desires strangley satisfying and addictive. She finds a "pairing" for the twin sign in an ironic manner and this quenches her raging sexual energy. I'm telling you... this book is eye-opening, very sensual, and an amazing story. Not along the lines of an ADDICTED story of sexual prowess. No, this one takes it to another level. Ironically enough, it's kind of believeable in a strange way. So, if you're looking for something decadent to read by the pool this summer, pick up a copy of PLEASURE by EJD. Insane! It's lengthy but with a full-time job, packing when I get home, and eight hours of sleep I still managed to finish it in no time. Yes, it's that good.

I also received a book recommendation that I wanted to pass along to you all. If you're looking for something a little less risque and a little more inspirational, pick up a copy of THE POWER OF INTENTION by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I haven't read it yet but from what I've been told, it's a great introduction to Dr. Dyer. I'm definitely buying a copy and I'll share my points in due time. I hope all is well with you guys. It's Friday for me so have a rock out weekend and I'll catch ya on the flip!

B.A.A - Week One

Good morning all,

I'm not sure who is participating the B.A.A. Summer Reading Project but if you are, Friday is the day that we take to recommend books to each other. So, I'll recommend the book that I read to begin the project.

PUSH by Sapphire: A sad yet inspirational story about a teenage girl sexually abused by both her parents. This isn't an extremely long read but it is definitely heavy. I like to call it the urban version of The Color Purple(book not the movie). They're written similarly. PUSH is brilliantly written and the story carries even after you put the book down. My kind of writer! Sapphire has a style similar to Nikki G's in that she takes very simple concepts and manipulates them into metaphoric complexities that really make you think. And what's the point in reading if it doesn't make you think? So, if you're looking for a book to kick off the project (and it's never to late to join us) pick up a copy of PUSH by Sapphire. Amazing read. Who's next?

Nurtured Soil

Last week I had one of my enlightening conversations. I was talking to someone about a "love situation" and somehow we or, should I say he, likened it to my new found love of gardening and planting and all that good stuff. You'll get the gist of the conversation if you pay close attention to this analogy.

So, I'm growing tomatoes, among other veggies, but when growing a tomato plant it's vital to prune the branches. This makes for more fruit and a healthier fruit bearer, if you will. Now in relationships we have a tendency to try to use the same method of operation. Trying to prune and pluck away the unnecessary so that we can have a bountiful and abuntantly happy relationship with someone else. Not realizing that the focus isn't just on the harvest. It's not even on the seed planted to produce the harvest. The focus should be on what the seed was planted in. If the soil is dry and nurtient starved, it won't bear much fruit but if the plant is transplanted into healthy, rich soil... you get where I'm going. Back tracking to the pruning technique... those branches will grow back. The ones you tried to pluck away. The hurt feelings and sleepless nights. The insecurities and idiosyncratic behavior from past situations will sprout themselves again if the plant itself (YOU) isn't transplanted into nurtured soil.

Okay, so I thought about this for a little while and then began to think, "Well, where does the nurtured soil come from?" Now this is my own personal philosophy but I believe it comes with time spent alone. Composting all of the dead things. Tossing them all together and letting them break themselves down so that all that's left is the lesson learned. And just like with making compost all that's really left after all the "leftovers" are broken down is the nitrogen which causes the plant to grow tremendously. So let's say the lessons learned are the nitrogen in a relationship. I believe that this type of growth can really only take place when you've spent time reevaluating and allowing the "leftovers" to break themselves down. Once the compost is ready to be added to some soil (new relationship) all that needs to be done is the transplant. Now this isn't to say there isn't any more work involved...

I know this may seem very scatter-brained, I tried my best to explain my new relationship philosophy as plain as I possibly could. I guess you could say, spending time gardening has opened my mind even more. I don't think I've thought so much in such a short period of time. lol!!!! I think it makes sense though and I just wanted to give you all something to chop up and chew on for your Monday. So, if you want to leave a comment feel free. If not, I'm sure I'll have something else to say tomorrow.

Buh-bye friends!

Book Addicts Anonymous

Hello all! Well...I have an idea! Recently, I got fed up with paying for cable and NEVER watching television. So, I decided to turn it off permanently. Well, for the summer... Some of you may have noticed my announcement via my Facebook status' lately. Anyway, I needed something to do to stimulate my mind while the house was quiet (other than music). Now, I've always been a bookworm but this summer I plan to take it a little bit further and read (almost) around the clock. If I'm not writitng and I have nothing else to do, I'll be reading. I even gave myself a minimum. Sixteen books must be complete by Labor Day. However, the goal is to exceed the minimum. So, sixteen books in four months. Sounds daunting, a little lofty, and really exciting. So, here's the thing. I didn't really want to do this all alone. I'm not saying you have to obliterate television like I am but I was thinkin' maybe some of you would like to jump on the book addicts bandwagon and read voraciously all summer long!!!! I mean think about it, you can kick it by the pool or at the beach, on long road trips and vacations, at the airport or on the train, on your lunch break, or just to get in some prime time reading as opposed to watching prime time television. Before you know it, you'll have to go out and buy more books. I have a two book head start. So, we'll say for those of you that want to participate the minimum will be fourteen. Sounds like a splendid idea to me. There are no book requirements. The only thing I ask is that you recommend any books you couldn't put down to the rest of the gang. This way we can bounce books off of each other and... the cycle will continue. I'm excited. Every Friday we'll submit titles worth purchasing and we'll go from there. Tell me what you think! It's Thursday so enjoy it... because I said so!

Love, love, love!

~ME

The "Love is Blind" Thing...

There are so many avenues and ways to go about pulling apart the old saying, "love is blind." It could mean so many things. Superficial or it could be taken a little deeper than that. We can talk about and analyze that saying for hours... days even. But the other night I was lying in bed reading and came across something that stood out to me. "Love is indeed blind, and it makes you acknowledge qualities in a person that don't exist...." I guess this was interesting to me having been in love and experiencing the ups and downs, I know that I had a tendency to make the person out to be something he wasn't. Mainly because what he wasn't was what I needed him to be. So the slightest sign or taste of the need was enough. Making me magnify his lack and manipulate it into being something positive. Am I alone here or has anyone else been there? When you think about it, it's dangerous to be that impaired, if you will. Vision impaired that is. You can't see the forest for the trees. Clinging to what you want. Falling for "the want" and allowing that to obscure your vision to the obvious. Needs become secondary. Wants are now priority. I posted something similar in reference to a Jill Scott poem "Love Rain" (2/5/09). Remember? "Now me non clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible..." Go back and read it! lol!!!! The tone of that post is similar to this question but not identical. In part, it applies to that "Love is indeed blind..." statement. Packs a punch. I guess all I'm really asking is... what are some measures that you all feel should be taken to circumvent "blindness" in relationships?

Have a "rock-out" Wednesday guys!

Layoff Relationships

I got a good chuckle when I opened my eyes this morning. Habitually, when I wake up in the morning I slide my phone open to see if there are any missed calls or texts. This morning I had a few and one of them was from a guy that I was talking to a little while ago. Lately he's been trying to get back "in there" and I'm just not havin' it. Typical layoff relationship. Huh? Just listen. First, let's pair analogies. You're unemployed and you're desperately seeking work. I mean, you're beyond qualified and immensely frustrated. You want a good job but they don't seem to be available. So, you settle. You settle for a job opening with a company that has overtly expressed it's lack of growth potential. Oh but it looks good. You'll get some benefits and the whole nine, but not for the long hawl. No this is totally temporary. The pay's good too but still it's temporary. You twist your mouth and think briefly. "I'll take it! Shucks, I got bills to pay!" Now you know good and well that if they don't lay you off in six months to a year that you're going to have to quit them when the right job comes along. Well, that is if you're not too distracted with what has your attention at the moment...

Now, let's liken that to a relationship. You're single and have a desire to be in a relationship. Frustrated isn't even the word for the way you're feeling. All the good ones seem to be taken, but you get an offer. He's good looking. Tall, dark, and handsome. Smells like a dream. We've heard and reitereated the old adage, "Never judge a book by it's cover" but let's face it, sometimes the cover is far more interesting than the content. But still... here you go... "I'll take it! Shucks, I got needs that need to be met!" So you spend time together. Bored out of your mind but it's attention. That's something, right? Uh uh! You know good and well that six months to a year down the road, you're either going to get "laid off" or you're going to have to quit him for a good gig. Well, that's if you're not too distracted and complacent with him to realize the good gig when it comes along. Six months to a year of time wasted that could've been spent getting yourself together for what you really needed. Interesting...

The good jobs don't always start out paying the greatest though. You've got to prove yourself before you can come out on top. But there is definte growth potential there. A future. Now, THAT'S something. Needless to say, I've been ignoring the overt "job" offers I've been receiving lately to avoid being distracted when a "real gig" comes along. I just laughed to myself when I read the text and that's where all of this layoff stuff came from. lol!!!! But it makes sense, doesn't it?

So, I guess I went through all of that to ask a few simple questions:

1) Why do we have a tendency to settle for the layoff?

2)Would you rather be miserable in a "nowhere" or "layoff" relationship or single and "frustrated"?

3)Lastly, have we gotten so used to and complacent with deadend "jobs" that we're intimidated by the work wrapped up in a "job" with a future? (By "job" I mean relationship)

Have a great day guys!

Angry LOVE Letters

This is another one of my totally random relationship questions but I wanted to ask it...


We've all written at least one love letter in our lives. lol!!!! Don't lie. Even if you never mailed it or never gave it to the person it was written to. You took a moment to get your feelings out on paper. Now with the way LOVE LETTERS are depicted, they're supposed to be gushy and lovie dovie, make-you-sick antics about how head over heels your are for that oh-so-special someone. But is there such thing as an angry love letter? A letter of frustration. Still putting your feelings out there, but the ugly ones. The hurt feelings. The wanna-know-why feelings. Now personally, I believe there is more of an undertone of love in this type of letter. Why waste time writing it if you're not insanely in love, right? I mean let's be real...if you're done with said situation, then you're just done. Case closed. Deuces. Kick rocks. I'mma be about my business. But if you really want to fight with both hands. Closed fists. Balls out. Blood, sweat, and tears on top of tears, writing an angry love letter makes sense. We all know love doesn't feel good all the time. Yes, I know I'm slightly off with my overly-analytical mind when it comes to love and relationships but I just thought about that. I thought it was probing. So, to reiterate the questions I posed...

1) Is there such thing as an angry (more so frustrated) love letter?

2) And if so, isn't the depth of love in said letter deeper than that of the puppy love nonsense (no pun) that we see in the "movie-type" love letter?

Just a question... Help me out!

Balances

I haven't posted this much since last year around this time but I guess you could say that I'm kind of smellin' myself as far as my craft goes and I'm in a zone at the moment. What I posted last night got me to thinking about one of my favorite poems/poets. My girl Nikki G. She's still as dope as she was when she popped on the scene. Her simplistic style makes me appreciate my own and, to me, this simple poem (title of the post and said poem) is a perfect pairing to what I wrote last night. This is my all time favorite! So enjoy and I'll be back....



Balances
in life
one is always
balancing

like we juggle our mothers
against our fathers

or one teacher
against another
(only to balance our grade average)

3 grains of salt
to one ounce truth

our sweet black essence
or the funky honkies down the street

and lately i've begun wondering
if you're trying to tell me something

we used to talk all night
and do things alone together

and i've begun

(as a reaction to a feeling)
to balance
the pleasure of loneliness
against the pain
of loving you

Nikki Giovanni

What do you do?

This week has been a thinkie week for me. "Thinkie's" my new word. lol!!! But yeah, I've been thinking and I wrote a few poems this week and one in particular has me gripped right now. You all know I love relationship topics. I love picking apart relationship issues and with the topic of the poem I wrote... you'll get the gist of it when/if you read what I'm about to say. I was putting on my pajamas a few moments ago and started thinking aloud. The question "what do you do????".... kept coming to mind and I added a different ending each time. It started getting heavy. So, I ran to the computer and began typing as the words came to me. None of this is thought out. It's just coming out of me as you're reading it. I've never done this before for anyone else to read but this is a normal practice for me. It's a game I used to play with an old friend and I guess it kinda stuck. I wrote this little paragraph after the paragraph below so... You get to experience one of my favorite writing exercises as it's taking place. I guess now it's called... WHAT DO YOU DO?


What do you when you're hands are tied? When you've acknowledged that you do, indeed want to finally pursue something with someone legitimately and your hands are tied? Tied tightly. When you want to call and you know you shouldn't? Not because you know they're busy but because you've already called too much. Days have passed and your mind is swimming. The last time you spoke wasn't on the best of terms but you still want it. Consumed with "are you okay?" or "are we okay?" When you've never had that mutual "I wanna be with you too" conversation and now that you do have that sitting in your lap... staring you in your face, you run with it. Throwing caution to the wind. You run with that and they run with you. Emotions tied up in someone as equally imperfect as you are. When you let your guard down and hope for the best. The rest is really a mere formality. When you've lost regard for yourself? When your life isn't nearly as important as theirs? Oh here's a good one... when you've dealt with BS (excuse my French) excuses.... you know the ones.... "I was working late, "I ain't have my phone on me" and then you meet someone who gives reasons as to why their availability to you is miniscule at times. Legitimate reasons you don't dare question because their hardships seem far more "real" than yours. So, you try to step back and let some air in. Suffocating on the reality that you've lost complete control. What do you do when you lose control? What do you do? How do you handle all of that and still be okay? Do they come around? Is it really worth it? Was it bad judgement? Or just being hardheaded? Or is it just the way relationship's cookie crumbles? What do you do when you're a wreck and it seems like no one cares but you? When calls go unanswered and your mind is buzzing with what could've happened? Did I miss something? Did I say the wrong thing? What do you do when your vulnerability is no longer an accessory but a part of you? You take it everywhere you go. One simple conversation has stripped you bare and it's made you an open book? How do you handle yourself? What do you do? What do you do when the person that's supposed to understand you the most, the one you're supposed to share yourself with, your best friend, the love of your life makes you wait? What do you do? What do you when time stands still while your mind races echoing the last conversation you had? When you can't imagine your life without them and can't understand why it's all so hard at the same time? What do you do when the reality of relationship gets to be too... "real"? When "goodbye" was the last thing you heard them say instead of "I love you?" What do you do? What do you do when you know your life wouldn't be the same without them but truthfully would be a little easier to deal with. When you feel like you're heard and not listened to? When your feelings seem secondary? What do you do when no one can make you laugh as hard and cry as easily as they can? What in the world do you do? Hmmmmmm....I've been thinking a lot this week. Just figured I'd pose some really random (yet real) questions. Answer any and/or all if you'd like... bye guys! Have a wonderful weekend!

EPIPHANY: Chrisette Michele

Wow! I haven't done an album review since early Fall of last year. Trippy! Anyway... Listen, most of you know how I rely on music to do what I gotta do (i.e. write!). It's my therapy. So, I'm always up on some dopeness. And yes, the sophmore release from Chrisette Michele is insane. She came back just as strong (if not stronger) as she had two years ago with her first release, I Am. She has that Natalie Cole jazzy vibe goin' that makes her voice one that's timeless and the verbage just was era-less and flawless. So the tracks... I'm themin' the title track right now. Epiphany. Sounds positive but not so much. Well, I guess it is. She comes to the realization that if he doesn't wanna act right, "Hey, why not leave." It's now my ringtone. lol!!!! The next one I'm themin' is "What You Do" - a duet with Neyo. All I'll say is... love is an action word. Not just a feeling. Show me somethin'! lol!!!! Take it as you will. Lastly, we're rockin' "Another One." She's done and she's about to be on to... ANOTHER ONE. "Fragile" is an upbeat track with a solid message. That old school sound she's got coupled with Def Jams nasty production is immaculate. To me. You know I love to spit my opinion and this is my opinion. You need to download this or go to the store and cop it. Don't dub it!!!! Perfect timing! Great summer release... So that's it. That's all. Still listening... Enjoy it! I know I am... smooches xoxoxoxo

Naked Smoothies at 6am

Hey, ya'll. I recently received some good news and it's caused me to be in a pretty good mood lately. So I wanted to post something silly today. It just popped in my head and I had to run with the post title I came up with. So, what's this awesome news you ask? Well, I'm moving. And this is doubly exciting because I've never lived all by myself. I guess I always thought that it was the roommates that I'd chosen that made living such hell. lol! NO! It's me. I can't live with anyone (at least not another female) ever again in life. lol!!!! It just doesn't work. So, I'm going to be living alone and I'm so excited. I can wake up and yes... walk into my kitchen at 6am and make a smoothie! Clothing optional. It's funny how you don't really appreciate things until said things have been revoked. I haven't "juiced" in months. I rarely have company. I hate sharing my space. Bottom line... I just don't like the roommate deal. The next roomie I have will be my hubbie! lol!!!! Another post for another time. So, I had a little extra time on my hands and felt like being silly and this is what I came up with. I love you guys and you're all invited for a smoothie one of these days (clothing mandatory). lol!!!! Hey, send me a list of other things that I can do now that I'll be living all alone and I'll be sure to do them all!!!!! Love, love, love! Peace out, ya'll!

Forever and A Day

~I've searched for forever in search of my forever and now that I've found forever, forever doesn't seem long enough~ Ashley McCann

What's up, ya'll? It's almost been a year since I posted that you're about to read or re-read. I remember this weekend like it was just yesterday. I guess it helps that I've been talking about said events with my sister a lot lately. So, I guess in honor of her impending First Year of Marriage (congrats, Mox and Dave) I wanted to repost this... Enjoy!




Finding Forever
Origianlly posted: April 23, 2008

This weeks events have prompted deep thought. My sister/best-friend is getting married to the man of her dreams. I can remember not too long ago we'd sit around and day dream, fantasize, wish, and hope that we'd find the man of our dreams - or how I like to call it . . . Finding Forever. We'd dream of "when". What he'd look like, how he'd kiss, and what he'd like most about us, what he might like least about us. Naming non-existent children, trying on potential last names. Everything. Her "when" is now, this Saturday, and I couldn't be happier for her. But it doesn't stop Saturday at the altar. When the DJ plays that last song, the cake has been ravaged, and everyone goes to their respective places of rest . . . They are left to deal with each other. Forever. Still young and pretty happy with being "single", this still made me think. Forever. That's a long time. But when you're spending forever with the right person, time flies by. I guess you can say I'm in pursuit of my forever. Or shall I say, I've developed a lofty ambition to make myself a forever for someone else. That's the clincher . . .

Selfishness vs. Selflessness

Happy Friday all! I had this kind of random question pop in my head while I was brushing my teeth this morning. So I'm going to ask and see if any of you are open-minded enough to indulge me with your opinions. So here goes....

Do you find it easier or more difficult to be selfless when you're in love? Or is it impossible to not be inadvertently selfish (at least some of the time)?


I honestly have no idea why I was thinking about that or if it even makes a whole lot of sense but I just wanted to see who could help me out with a little insight. Thanks for the help in advance. Love you guys and have a good weekend....

Yesterday > TODAY > Tomorrow

I had an enlightening conversation with my cousin/friend last night. We always seem to have these deeply philosophical exchanges. I was talking to him about how my life was beginning to unfold and the changes that were about to occur, things that I was planning to do, yadda, yadda, yadda and as our discourse neared it's end, he said something that immediately made me think of the post that I'm about to - you guessed it - repost!

He said, (and I'm paraphrasing) "There is no tomorrow. Why? Because yesterday is gone, today is now, and what would be tomorrow will soon be today."

I thought it was pretty freakin' deep. So, what you're about to read was posted close to a year ago. The title of said post is pretty self-explanatory and what I like to call simply profound (simple philosphy that makes you think). So enjoy. I shall return.


TODAY -
Originally posted: April 3, 2008


We hear people say all the time, "I’m living in the moment" or "I fly by the seat of my pants" or "I’m not a planner". But what they (or we) don’t understand is that your today is in direct correlation to your tomorrow. What happens today is a format or blueprint for what’s to come. Now, that’s not to put TODAY in a box. I’m speaking figuratively. Today you may misstep, make a wrong turn, or say the "wrong" thing. Lessons learned and those lessons are the formulas that we apply to tomorrows blue print.

Finally... Something New

I haven't forgotten about you all but I'm reposting as inspiration strikes and bites me right un de.... Sorry that's my bad interpretation of an Island accent but I digress. Nah, I was sitting at my desk today thinking about the very first post that I did on this site. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I'd gone through a great deal my final year in college and I was sitting in one of the computer labs, McNair if I'm not mistaken, a few days before I packed up and moved back to Raleigh. I remember thinking that leaving the city that I'd grown up in (literally) would cause me to start fresh and so out of that I wrote what you're about to read. I doubt any of you have gone back so far to see these ancient posts so to make it easier on you, well, I'm reposting it. Duh! Why am I reposting this? Well, seeing as how I still remember the state of emotionalism I was in when I wrote this and the differences in Ashley as of late, I thought this was more than appropriate. When I went back and read it I kind of laughed to myself. Mainly because when I originally set out to express myself through said post I wasn't really searching for anything new. I just wrote it because it sounded good. LOL!!!! But life has taken some twists and turns that I'm so thankful to God for. For me it's kind of like picking up an old diary and reading entries from years ago and what you're about to read is almost two years old. Wow! I feel like I've aged but in a good way. So, with all that said, give a listen.... Love you guys and I'll be back!


Something New
Originally posted: July 27, 2007

It's interesting how bad life situations have a tendency to infect our judgement and in turn breed cynicism. We find ourselves on the perimeter of something that we once thought should and could be a wonderful experience. Doubtful and defeated, we truck on wondering if that "thing" could ever happen to us and in the right way. When you cry because you love them, not because they hurt you. When you spend the night alone but aren't lonely. And when missed calls will eventually be returned without question. I'm finding myself in this place. A little cynical while at the same time being hopeful that one day . . . that "thing" will be real for me.

She's back!

Good morning all! I've been asked a few times recently what's been going on with the blog. I always give the same answer..."I've been consumed with my babies (i.e. my manuscripts) and haven't had the time to focus on running off at the mouth about whatever comes to mind." (smiling to myself) But these days things are slightly different. I'm in a different place. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot, and I'm ready to get my cute feet wet again. So, to get the ball rolling I'm going to repost some older posts that you all may not have had the pleasure of reading and by the time we're all caught up... we should have some incredible conversations and topic ideas. I want to take this time to welcome new readers. WELCOME!!!! Just so you know, we're a talkative bunch! (another smile) So here's to good discussions. The kind we're used to having. Damn, I've missed you guys. I'm gonna do better. I promise. So, here goes. Today's topic was last posted close to a year ago. April 3, 2008. I chose this one because I had a conversation with my sister last night and this post popped in my head while were texting back and forth. So, give a listen, leave a comment if you want, and I'll be back tomorrow. YAY! Sheeeeeeeee's baaaaaaaaaack! Love you guys!


Going GREEN Goes Personal:
Originally posted: 4/3/08

So there’s this movement that is sweeping the planet. Everyone seems to be going green. This phenomenon is for all of those tree huggin’ environmentalists (I try my best) that want to do their best to slow the effects of Global Warming. Me, being the overly analytical thinker that I am, decided to look a little deeper into the GREEN MACHINE that is today’s society. I began to think . . . if only people went green in their personal lives, oh what a difference it would make. Some call it green living, others may refer to it as eco-friendly, my personal favorite is compassionate living. The whole purpose of the movement is to eliminate toxicity and live a more earth friendly life. But what people – myself included – fail to do is to do the same house cleaning with their personal lives. Reducing the use or tolerance of toxic friends and romantic relationships is even more bio-friendly, if you will. I’m just as earth conscious as the next person but what happened to being self-conscious? Something that was made to be looked upon as being negative and a non-necessity is, in fact, imperative. Being self-conscious about our surroundings (i.e. social circles), how these circles permeate and influence our lives is necessary to our happiness, well-being, and most of all, our sanity. If the influence isn’t positive, don’t you think it’s time to GO GREEN and take yourself through a social detox?

Love Rain

Last night (or tonight) I was sitting and listening to one of my favorite poets, Jill Scott. Her first LP, Who Is Jill Scott? - Words and Sounds Volume 1. I got stuck on the track that owns the same title as today's (tonight's) post. Having heard the song a million and three times, something she said stood out to me and then made the rest of the song/poem all the more profound. "Now me non-clairvoyant and in love made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible." I froze for a moment thinking as usual. Damn! To realize how true it is. When we reach that point of love - even if just the foretaste, it seems to make the things we need to pay close attention to, the things that have their arms flailing, screaming "look at me" or "something's not right here," the things that we should heed before getting in too deep . . . for some reason love blinds us to the obvious. Why is that? Now I'm not blaming love for failed relationships or ill decisions or things that went ignored but I do know that I'm not the only one that this has happened to. So, I'll ask again, why oh why do we allow the IDEA of LOVE to blind us to the things that are sure-fire warnings that this isn't . . . good love?

The Wealth of Forgiveness

I'll do my best to do this without airing too much personal information but I'd been dealing with something for close to six months that I refused to face and this weekend I forced myself to "man up", as the urban saying goes. Before I begin, I wanted to preface the rest of this post with some truth. You all know that I've been working diligently on these two manuscripts and the one that I finished a few days before Christmas centers around the wealth of forgiveness. Often, we as the selfish creatures we tend to be, have the joint tendency of believing that forgiveness only helps those that give it. So, I spent months writing this story with the assurance that people would get how healthy it is to forgive those that wrong us rather than die in bitterness (not a physical death though). With all of that having been said, something wasn't sitting right with me. When I came to the realization of what I needed to do so that I could be a better person, a better girlfriend, and most importantly a better friend, I knew that I'd grown up tremendously since this summer. Here goes. When it comes to forgiveness, I've found that being on the receiving end is just as (if not more) freeing than being on the giving end. It's all one big revolving door that never stops turning. I've also discovered that the unforgiven can just as easily die in the bitterness of not having asked to be forgiven. That's some deep stuff, huh? lol! Anyway, I feel good and the fact that I've gotten what I needed makes me feel like a different person. One that really knows the art of relationship - even if in part. I can say I know a little something. (smiling) And I'm not talking about romance and all that jazz. Friendship is the basis of it all or at least it should be. So, I did what I could to start from scratch and take baby steps in handling what I needed to handle. Our selfish human tendency goes one of two ways. We either say, "Forgive her for what? Do you know what she did to me?" or the other way, "I'm not asking for forgiveness or admitting wrongdoing?" Sounds like something my mom likes to say, you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face. Translation: Pride helps no one. And besides, who wants to live a miserably acrimonious life of prideful disdain? I know I don't. So, yeah I feel a lot better and I'm going to be better in my dealings with people. Especially the ones that mean something to me. So, that's where I am and who I am. Still learning and growing and getting better. This is a good feeling. Have a great day!

Preggers!!!!

Ummmm, no. Ashley is NOT pregnant. At least not with a human fetus. LOL!!!! I just got to thinking a moment ago. On Sunday I'm dancing to a song by TD Jakes entitled Manifest and the song elaborately illustrates ones pregnancy with the things that have been promised to us, the things we've been gifted to do, and the things that we've toiled and travailed to see come to fruition. So, I was thinking (and still am) about the things that I've worked so hard to see manifest themselves and be tangible in my life. Namely the two manuscripts that I'm working on, true love (even if it's just truly loving ME), and an abundance of happiness (even if I'm not happy for a steady 24 hours - happiness nonetheless). So, I'm still thinking and thinking and curious to see where you all are. We haven't touched bases blog-wise since last year and I wanted to see what you all wanted to see happen for yourselves, your families, and your loved ones by 11:59pm on December 31, 2009. What are your dreams? How do you want this year to roll out? Where do you want to be in 337 days? I mean let's face it, that's all we have left. What are you pregnant with? What baby have you nurtured and cultivated so much so that your time has come to push? I may not get any hits but above all of the deep discussions we've had over the course of the last few months, I think this one is a GREAT one! So hit me back! I don't think it's a coincidence that we've reached the year ending in the number nine - the number of months it takes for a baby to be ready to deliver itself and from a biblical standpoint the number nine represents gifts given (spiritually speaking). So, I really, really want to know! Who's waddling and ready to push out greatness?