Secret Sex

There is an infamous episode that shares the same title as today’s blog. In this particular episode, Miranda is dating a guy that she will only allow in her bed but she won’t introduce him to her friends. Really? Interesting. Now, how is it that one can practice a sexual relationship with someone – they’ve seen you naked, heard every moan and groan, shared one of the most intimate parts of you – and you can’t bring them around your friends? Now this isn’t a play on people that your friends and family have, in deed, met. If they don’t bring them around you a lot well . . . that’s another topic. I’m talking about people that no one has seen – only you and the four walls of wherever it goes down. As I’ve stated in previous blogs, I have a lot of male friends and I love to be a fly on the wall and listen to how they talk about women, love, and relationships. I’ve heard a few of my male friends speak of women that they’d only “do” but wouldn’t dare bring them around “the people”, so to speak. That’s men. From a woman’s perspective, how in the world can you share such an intimate and private part of yourself with someone that you obviously don’t even care enough about to mention to the people you love, let alone bring them around? Once again, this is a top-secret lover, one you don’t mention – no one even knows they exist. What’s the deal with secret sex and why do we do it?

The Chicken or the Sex

There is another Sex and the City episode that stands out in my mind. It explores the timeless conundrum, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” I’ll elaborate. In this particular episode, Carrie is in a purely sexual relationship with a guy that she wants to have a legitimate relationship with. The sex is insane but that's really all there is. He's so used to that aspect of their connection that a relationship is hardly pressing. On the flip side, her girl Samantha is in a relationship with someone that she wants to revert to a purely sexual relationship with (keep in mind, Samantha is the sexually liberated one of the bunch). So, Carrie asks the question: Which comes first, the chicken or the sex? Huh? Just listen. I want to know if it is at all possible to build a lasting relationship with someone that you know only through a physical relationship or is foundation vital to mind-blowing sex and a lasting relationship?

Sex Like a Man Pt. 2

Now, in exploration of yesterday’s topic, I did some diggin’. I thought about what I’d asked and continued to ponder the complexity of sex from a woman’s perspective. I recalled a quote that I’d seen on a website that stated rather blatantly, “Date like a guy and you won’t get played like a bitch.” I must admit that for a little while I had this posted on one of my online pages and for a period made an attempt at dating this way. That period was precisely a moment in duration, but I digress. If, in fact, one takes on this mantra and ambitiously sets out to live their life this way – woman or man – isn’t hurt inevitable? My assumption – and frankly my distorted reasoning behind attempting this – is that people reason that adopting this dating approach will evade having their heart broken. But think about it. Dating with a man’s mentality (and I’m not talking about all men) usually comes back to bite someone on the ass and oft times the culprit is the one that comes out looking foolish. So, I’ll reiterate the question. Better still, I’ll rephrase it. While trying to apply dating like a guy to your dating strategy, isn’t devastation inevitable in the long run?

Sex Like a Man

One of my favorite shows is the HBO series Sex and the City and in honor of the full-length feature release on May 30, I decided to use this week as a series-based block of discussion. I’ll be pulling from poignant episodes in addition to other sources, as I’ve done before. If you’ve never seen an episode, you should at least know that the show is about a group of women that live their lives dating and sharing their dating experiences in the Big Apple. In the very first episode of the series, the topic of women having sex like men is explored and two of the women went on missions to see if they could, in deed, detach themselves from the emotionalism of sex and just enjoy the act as is. No strings. Just sex. Samantha, the more sexually liberated one of the clan, had already mastered this practice and was enjoying life bouncing from one bed to another – like men have a tendency to do. Carrie ran into an old flame and decided to turn him into a fling. They made small talk, went back to his place for a mid-day romp, she got dressed and left. After leaving the apartment she wore a luminous smile and the voice over stated, “I’d just had sex like a man.” I found this to be interesting, at best. Never having been one to ever want to attempt having more than one partner, I found this baffling. How can a woman – being such an emotional creature, wanting to love and nurture all that we do – detach herself from something as emotionally involved as sex? Is it possible? Can a woman really have sex like a man?

Ordinary People

I just wanted to add one more thing to the GET LIFTED Series. This series was meant to open our eyes and look at love, life, and relationships through the eyes of the opposite sex. But at the end of the day, we’re all just ordinary people. I don’t believe that we make mistakes but we do make ill decisions that often times we don’t realize affect others – especially those we love. There's what we do and what we don't do. Both are, in fact, conscious decisions. I didn’t spend time writing these blogs and reading your comments just to sound deep. Honestly, I didn’t even do it for some of the awesome responses that I’ve gotten. I did it so that you’d remember what was said, think about it, evaluate it and then, in turn, evaluate your actions. So with that said, thanks for reading and I hope you all look forward to the next block of discussion-fueled topics. I know I am! Emwha!!!!! Peace and love all!

Enamored

When the word enamored is used it’s usually coupled with some type of heaven-sent feeling one develops for someone they love or want to love. One of my favorite bloggers gave me a great idea to conclude this series and I decided to run with it. Seeing as how this series was based around fidelity or more so, infidelity this just made perfect sense. When we’ve been cheated on whether you stay with the person that cheated or not, we have a tendency to develop this fascination with the person they cheated with. What did they look like? How much money do they make? What do they drive? Do they know about me? Do they know what I look like? Can they do what I do (enough said)? An example comes to mind. In the later days of Bill Cosby’s sitcom A DIFFERENT WORLD, Whitley and Dwayne were planning their wedding and the stress of the planning pushes him away and in turn, he “cheats’ on her. Well, in essence, he goes on a date but it doesn’t get any farther than dinner. He's open and honest with her (Wednesday's topic). In an instant, after finding out that she’s been betrayed, she becomes obsessed. Every woman that passes her she says, “Maybe it’s her!” Funnily enough, her best girlfriend Kim, who knows who the chick is, yells out “It’s not her, okay!” I’m not ashamed to admit that I became fascinated with the other woman once and couldn’t understand why. Not why I wasn't the only one, but why I was obsessed with the idea of this person. After a while, I was shocked as to how much I actually knew about her. We have a tendency to put them down. “She’s not even that cute!” But that’s another topic all together. So, to all of my wonderful readers, let’s end this block of discussion on a high. Why are we ENAMORED by the other person?

Shot out to Big Jerz for this one! I love you, dude!

ExFactor

This past week’s series entitled GET LIFTED has made for enlightening and honest conversation and discussion. So much so, I was kind of stumped on what to write about today. Then I got to thinking, as usual. I began to listen to Lauren Hill’s 1998 solo project, The Miseducation of Lauren Hill. On the album she has a song entitled ExFactor. I listened and thought some more. I asked myself this question: What happens when we leave? Do we really leave? I know you’re thinking, what is she talking about? And if you’ve never had the pleasure of hearing the lyrics to this song then I can understand you being a little lost. I’ll elaborate. A little while ago I had a funny conversation with an ex-coworker/friend about a situation. We joked about how we always go back to what we know or better still, what we’re used to. We laughed and talked about some of the guys that we used to date and the ones we really loved. Towards the end of the conversation she said, “An ex is never really an ex.” Now if this is true, you’ve called yourself “moving on” and you’re ready to venture out and groove with someone new, how do you let the past go? The funny thing is, when you talk to some people that still fool around with their exes they usually don’t have anything really positive to say about them. “I mean that’s really all I know,” “We have history,” “That was my high school sweetheart.” What happens when they’re no longer so sweet? Yet you maintain a connection. What’s the hold up and why can’t we let go of what we know isn’t good for us? Especially when that good thing is staring you right in the face.

Spiteful Booty

And so the saying goes, “There’s nothing like a woman scorned.” I usually use a movie as a reference and today is no different. One of my all time favorite movies is the BEST MAN, released in 1999 and starring Taye Diggs and Nia Long (as well as a host of other great African-American actors). And of course, this is a Spike Lee production so I had to include it in this series (and it’s directed by his brother Malcolm D. Lee). The movie is centered around a wedding. Some college friends reconnect for the big shin-dig around the time that one of the clan, Harper, the writer (Taye Diggs) gets ready to release his first novel, which airs some “dirty laundry”. By the end of the film the crew figures out that Harper had a fling with the groom’s bride-to-be and, needless to say, all hell breaks lose. I want to talk about Mia’s intent, the bride (Monica Calhoun). Lance, the groom (Morris Chestnut) is doing his thing throughout the relationship and it doesn’t help that he’s a professional athlete (wink-wink). She gets fed up and decides to gut-punch that ass and hit him where it hurts. She sleeps with his best friend – the best man. Damn! Scandalous, ain't it? Now, I don't believe that she ever wanted any of this to come out. She did it on the sly - in a very cunning and, might I add, commendable way. She wasn't blatant and loud with hers. Whether Lance knew or not, she did it and the idea was enough to satisfy the revenge she was seeking. He never really needed to know. She and Harper were really the only two that needed to know. However, Lance admits at the end of the movie, "I always knew she'd been with someone else." The fact that his best friend was "that self-serving, back-stabbing bastard" was added ammo. Women are naturally vindictive creatures. When we’re hurt, we go for the gusto. Unfortunately, I can recall some rash decisions I’ve made out of anger and the backlash wasn’t . . . well . . . good. And if you’ve seen this movie, you know that the backlash here was hellacious, to say the least. Today’s question, Why do we feel the need for revenge when we’ve been hurt?

Half Truths and Entire Lies

At the beginning of this relationship series I posed this question: If the person that you’re with does, in fact, dip out, creep, or mess around and takes the measure of keeping it from you for your benefit (and theirs as well) does that discount their love for you or does it show how much they care (for lack of a better word) to keep you from finding out and being hurt? I mean Jody said it best to Yvette in John Singleton's BABY BOY, "I'm out here tellin' these ho's the truth. I lie to you 'cause I care about yo' feelin's." This question was raised with the knowledge that they are, in fact, together. On the flip side, Monday I mentioned a couple of situations where people that were in love weren’t together for whatever reason and were having outside affairs or meantime romances. But in each case the “victimized” party was told of what happened and I believe this shows a type of care and concern as well. The “doers” were open and honest (forcibly or by choice) about what went down. Sometimes these statements can be malicious. “Yeah, I slept with him” or “ Damn right, Keisha let me hit. You weren’t anywhere to be found” or "Well, I hadn't heard from you and I needed it. What do you expect me to do?" This is juvenile and not the basis of today’s topic of discussion. But when the two parties are separated yet there is still that love connection and they reconnect, isn’t honesty the only policy?

Disconnected Cheating (Meantime Romance)

I think that many of my liberal views concerning relationships stem from the friendships that I’ve acquired and many of them have been with men. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that men have a tendency to be nonchalant when it comes to love and relationships. Well . . . unless it has anything at all to do with today’s topic. Two of my guy friends and I were talking a little over a year ago and one of them was going on about how he wanted his ex back. However, while on hiatus from him, she’d found “pleasure” elsewhere and he couldn’t understand how she could’ve wronged him in that way after all they’d been through together. I think I responded with, “Men do it. Why can’t women?” But my other friend shook his head and answered, “Nah. That’s different.” My friend longing for his ex responded to that and said something to the effect of, “Once mine, always mine.” Interesting. Now keep in mind, he never made mention of the dirt he’d done while they were actually together. Although, he seemed to capitalize on what she’d done while they were apart. I can also reference an infamous FRIENDS episode when Ross and Rachel were “on a break” but Ross decides he wants to see other women in the meantime and sleeps with the hot girl that worked at the copy shop. Rachel finds out and is distraught and has conveniently forgotten that they were not together officially when this event took place. Now out of these two complex scenarios (of which both sexes have been on either side of the fence), I’m going to pose two questions for discussion.

1. Why the double standard (women can’t do what men do)?
2. And, Is there such a thing as cheating “on a break”?

Deciding Factor

Anyone that knows me well enough knows how much of a die-hard Spike Lee fan I am. One of my favorite Spike Lee films is Mo’ Better Blues released in 1990 and starring Denzel Washington, Wesley Snipes, and Spike Lee. Bleek Gilliam (Denzel Washington’s character) is torn between two women. Both of these women (Indigo and Clark) offer something that the other doesn’t and a lot of these traits are very keen and aren’t readily noticeable. This is why these relationships are so unique. He’s not just sleeping with them. He’s in two actual relationships. Both women know about each other, mind you. And they play the game “As long as you don’t say the bitches name, I’m cool.” While deep down they’re broken and just as confused as the man that they share. He cares very deeply for Clark but he’s madly in love with Indigo and this obviously scares him. He renigs on a lot of things that he’s told her – mainly how much he does love her. In the end, circumstances force him to make a decision and he chooses Indigo and they get married and have a son, Miles. For me, this storyline rings true on many different levels and I’m sure that many of my readers, both men and women, can identify with competing with someone else in a relationship. The question of the day is, if you come upon a situation where you have real feelings for two people (male or female) how do you choose?

So she creeps . . .

In 1994 the R&B trio TLC released a song on their CrazySexyCool album entitled "Creep" and as you can see, I’ve used that as today’s blog topic. The song became the topic of discussion for people in relationships during that time and has since become a timeless source to draw from. The lyrics were written from a woman-in-need's perspective. She knows she’s being cheated on, so in turn, she reciprocates the action. I personally don’t think the intentions for the song are malicious. This is a lonely woman, in love with her “significant other” or entrée as I like to call them, and she’s in need of some attention and affection. The groove of the song is light-hearted but the premise is deep. I think people automatically assume that their intentions are to go out and sleep with whomever will pay them a little bit of attention (which some women do) or that they’re sleeping around to vindicate the lack of attention. I disagree. Creeping could mean a plethora of things – a quiet dinner with an attractive someone that’s into you, frequently intense emails with an old flame that you refuse to throw water on to extinguish, or doing just enough to get what you need or want from your lover a la carte - be it money, getting your hair and nails done, or bills paid. Ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t front. One of my bloggers posted a comment about yesterday’s topic and one thing that he said stood out to me. He said, “That’s why it’s said that women are better cheaters!” This is an open discussion. A battle of the sexes, if you will. The question: Why are women better cheaters?

Significant Infidelity

I decided to change topics for a while and start a series entitled GET LIFTED. The series is based off of John Legend’s first album and will deal with the main subject of the album – relationships and fidelity. Although I’m using this as my main focus, I’ll draw from many sources (i.e. movies, other albums, radio discussions, personal discussions, etc.). For today’s topic, I’ve opted to go with one of my favorite songs from the album entitled “Number One.” He opens the song with a priceless verse. “You can’t say I don’t love you just because I cheat on you. ‘Cause you can’t see all I do to keep you from knowing the things I do.” Now, I’m about to play the devil’s advocate. In a day and age where infidelity is common-place, this statement is not just hilariously true (to me) but it also raises the question of does infidelity really mean that there is lack of love in a relationship? Back in the day, men were more prone to dippin’ out on the one’s they were “committed” to. Now-a-days, women have peeped game and have learned to play it almost better than the other sex. This isn’t to discount love and relationship but if the person that you’re with does, in fact, dip out, creep, or mess around and takes the measure of keeping it from you for your benefit (and theirs as well) does that discount their love for you or does it show how much they care (for lack of a better word) to keep you from finding out and being hurt?

Church vs. God

So I have a bit of an issue. It's nothing new but this is the first time that I'm well, posting it online for everyone to read. I will be the first person to admit that I have flaws, issues, hang-ups - the whole nine but when it comes to my life as it applies to church I guess I get a little confused. I don't even really think that I'm confused I think that people in church are more confused than I. I've struggled with the ubiquitous hypocrisy that I've seen in church for a while now. My main thing is how people can constantly lie to themselves and think that their relationship is with the people in the congregation and not with God. So concerned with who sees you doing what or who might find out. Talking out of both sides of your mouth and telling people what not to do and pretending that you're without sin or flaw. The quote that I'm about to use might raise hairs but it's from one of my favorite rap artists, Jay-Z. In a song on his latest AMERICAN GANGSTER Jay-Z addresses this issue in a song aptly entitled "Ignorant Shit". He repeats this phrase . . . "Let's stop the bull sh**ttin'. Til we all wit' out sin let's quit the pulpittin'." Maybe that's a paradoxical analysis but it makes sense to me. I mean really . . . who are you to judge my relationship with God? I guess I've said all that to say that confusion lies in ones unhealthy relationship with church people/members of the body and not with God himself. We all struggle and deal with things but until you can say that your life is spotless, I feel like you're out of place giving anyone any type of direction. My "beef" is only with the people in church that hold positions in the church that govern over the lives of God's people. I'm assuming people don't take into account how serious this is. Any thoughts?