Friday, May 9, 2008

Disconnected Cheating (Meantime Romance)

I think that many of my liberal views concerning relationships stem from the friendships that I’ve acquired and many of them have been with men. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that men have a tendency to be nonchalant when it comes to love and relationships. Well . . . unless it has anything at all to do with today’s topic. Two of my guy friends and I were talking a little over a year ago and one of them was going on about how he wanted his ex back. However, while on hiatus from him, she’d found “pleasure” elsewhere and he couldn’t understand how she could’ve wronged him in that way after all they’d been through together. I think I responded with, “Men do it. Why can’t women?” But my other friend shook his head and answered, “Nah. That’s different.” My friend longing for his ex responded to that and said something to the effect of, “Once mine, always mine.” Interesting. Now keep in mind, he never made mention of the dirt he’d done while they were actually together. Although, he seemed to capitalize on what she’d done while they were apart. I can also reference an infamous FRIENDS episode when Ross and Rachel were “on a break” but Ross decides he wants to see other women in the meantime and sleeps with the hot girl that worked at the copy shop. Rachel finds out and is distraught and has conveniently forgotten that they were not together officially when this event took place. Now out of these two complex scenarios (of which both sexes have been on either side of the fence), I’m going to pose two questions for discussion.

1. Why the double standard (women can’t do what men do)?
2. And, Is there such a thing as cheating “on a break”?


Big Jerz said...

I think the double standard comes from Men holding women to a higher standard when it comes to sexual behavior and chastity. It's kinda like I replied a few blogs ago, women naturally connect emotions to sex so "Meantime hooking up" can seem more of a frivolous action by women.
As for the 2nd question, I think you have to define the boundaries of the "break" before you can say whether on thing is cheating or not. Most relational violations arise to do unclear or assumed expectations. Breach of certain understandings are far more probable if the exact line distinction isn't made clear by BOTH parties and they must be made clear thru HONEST conversation. You can't go into that type of talk and not be totally honest with your "Breaking partner". If they feel like "dating" other people in the Meantime is cool but you think it's too much then you need to be honest and say so. You can't come to the critical points of your relationship and begin using cloudy judgment, trying to protect your own feelings. The one thing that's always been weired to me is, if I'm in a relationship with someone and we decide to take a break, we should be breaking from everything (and everyone) so that personal time can make us know ourselves better, thusly making us better inside of the relationship. Now, taking a break from each other and linking up with other people, in my opinion would only serve to confuse things even more...maybe I'm wrong but it's just my Thoughts. HOLLA AT 'EM

Ashley M. said...

I'm in agreement with big jerz and the eloquent comment that he left. I think a lot of times we opt out of being honest for fear of losing that person that we really want to be with. Thinking that a serious conversation about US is going to end US. Oh the irony of fear in relationships and how it can mess things up rather than make them better. That fear has a tendency to worsen things. People assume that because we're so close and so in love that we can read each others mind (and sometimes you can) but when it really matters . . . say what you mean and mean what you say. If worse comes to worse and you lose said someone - baby, it wasn't worth it in the first place. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is key. We all take that misstep and assume that they know what we feel and want. But they really don't. And even if they do, if you never verbalized it, they'll take for granted that you don't really care enough. Talk! Communication is key!

Ashley M. said...

My girl Jessica emailed me this response -

"I think everything you just said depends on how much both individuals have put their hear out there....if they were on some type of ride or die shit then hell yea its still cheating when your on a break you know what I mean? I think it just depends on how much you have been through with the person..."

Ashley M. said...

I had an interesting conversation with my sister a minute ago about today's post and she likened this situation to a type of relationship "mind-game". Men are conquerors once they've gotten it they've well . . . conquered her. Now, mix that with love, and then throw some good sex into the mix and he owns her. No matter what he does when he's not with her. That CUSH belongs to him. Whether they're together or not. Women, on the other hand, are territorial. This is a type of conquering as well. Women are naturally and quietly boastful when they know they have that good thing, so to speak. “He knows it’s good.” And if she has any thought that he may be doing his thing, knowing that she has what it takes keeps her sane, it gives her comfort knowing that eventually homeboy is going to get to a place where he misses her and not just the sex but that love connection that he’ll never really find in anyone else. We all play that game. And couple that with a disconnect and you’ve got some drama. Relationship mind-games – they’re inevitable.