Thursday, May 7, 2009

What do you do?

This week has been a thinkie week for me. "Thinkie's" my new word. lol!!! But yeah, I've been thinking and I wrote a few poems this week and one in particular has me gripped right now. You all know I love relationship topics. I love picking apart relationship issues and with the topic of the poem I wrote... you'll get the gist of it when/if you read what I'm about to say. I was putting on my pajamas a few moments ago and started thinking aloud. The question "what do you do????".... kept coming to mind and I added a different ending each time. It started getting heavy. So, I ran to the computer and began typing as the words came to me. None of this is thought out. It's just coming out of me as you're reading it. I've never done this before for anyone else to read but this is a normal practice for me. It's a game I used to play with an old friend and I guess it kinda stuck. I wrote this little paragraph after the paragraph below so... You get to experience one of my favorite writing exercises as it's taking place. I guess now it's called... WHAT DO YOU DO?

What do you when you're hands are tied? When you've acknowledged that you do, indeed want to finally pursue something with someone legitimately and your hands are tied? Tied tightly. When you want to call and you know you shouldn't? Not because you know they're busy but because you've already called too much. Days have passed and your mind is swimming. The last time you spoke wasn't on the best of terms but you still want it. Consumed with "are you okay?" or "are we okay?" When you've never had that mutual "I wanna be with you too" conversation and now that you do have that sitting in your lap... staring you in your face, you run with it. Throwing caution to the wind. You run with that and they run with you. Emotions tied up in someone as equally imperfect as you are. When you let your guard down and hope for the best. The rest is really a mere formality. When you've lost regard for yourself? When your life isn't nearly as important as theirs? Oh here's a good one... when you've dealt with BS (excuse my French) excuses.... you know the ones.... "I was working late, "I ain't have my phone on me" and then you meet someone who gives reasons as to why their availability to you is miniscule at times. Legitimate reasons you don't dare question because their hardships seem far more "real" than yours. So, you try to step back and let some air in. Suffocating on the reality that you've lost complete control. What do you do when you lose control? What do you do? How do you handle all of that and still be okay? Do they come around? Is it really worth it? Was it bad judgement? Or just being hardheaded? Or is it just the way relationship's cookie crumbles? What do you do when you're a wreck and it seems like no one cares but you? When calls go unanswered and your mind is buzzing with what could've happened? Did I miss something? Did I say the wrong thing? What do you do when your vulnerability is no longer an accessory but a part of you? You take it everywhere you go. One simple conversation has stripped you bare and it's made you an open book? How do you handle yourself? What do you do? What do you do when the person that's supposed to understand you the most, the one you're supposed to share yourself with, your best friend, the love of your life makes you wait? What do you do? What do you when time stands still while your mind races echoing the last conversation you had? When you can't imagine your life without them and can't understand why it's all so hard at the same time? What do you do when the reality of relationship gets to be too... "real"? When "goodbye" was the last thing you heard them say instead of "I love you?" What do you do? What do you do when you know your life wouldn't be the same without them but truthfully would be a little easier to deal with. When you feel like you're heard and not listened to? When your feelings seem secondary? What do you do when no one can make you laugh as hard and cry as easily as they can? What in the world do you do? Hmmmmmm....I've been thinking a lot this week. Just figured I'd pose some really random (yet real) questions. Answer any and/or all if you'd like... bye guys! Have a wonderful weekend!

1 comment:

Racquel said...

I loved this blog!!!! I really did. I (as well as others)have been in this situation. It's easy to worry yourself to death with the does he like me, was I this, was I that, will he drive yourself crazy. The on going question was "what do you do" I've always hated this statement but I think it is quite fitting in for this question "DO YOU" be confident, be strong, be beautiful, be handsome, read, write, sing, dance, live life to it's fullest, but never ever allow yourself to be a victim of wondering......because you will stay trapped in that prison wondering forever. Just DO YOU! it's the best thing YOU can do....not only that but if he/she sees YOU doing YOU, they want to get close to you to figure you out. Good question girl.