I’ve definitely reached a point in my life where I know what I want. Or at least I have a pretty good idea what I want. My needs are better suited for God to sort out. I do believe, however, that he has a knack for intertwining wants and needs if they’re so suited to be…. Intertwined. In this case, of course I’m talking about RELATIONSHIPS.
I’ve spent the last year determined to purge myself of every relationship that was out of the will of God. Things I knew had no possibility of flourishing or prospering because they weren’t God ordained. God has a way of weeding out the unnecessary, unhealthy, and ill-gotten things that we try so desperately to cling to.
After the last time I made a poor relationship choice, I opted to really take the time to get to know who I had become. One of the first things I learned was that, when you are constantly in a cycle of relationships you have very little time to see yourself change and evaluate those changes.
Every situation brings about some type of interpersonal change. Whether it be a resolve to not take or tolerate certain things, think before you act, “make them wait”, take it slow….. you’ve changed and the change can almost always be attributed to a situation or relationship that caused you to think that way.
The time that I’ve taken for myself has REALLY opened my eyes to not only what I want but to what God knows I need. I used to think I took time for myself after a break up when I’d sit still for a month, meet someone and continue the cycle. It’s been a little over a year and my God it feels good to actually be rid of all of the junk and baggage. Like really be rid of it. Not to feel all of the old feelings and hurt feelings when you hear someone’s name or see their face. I’ll elaborate in a minute.
The last person I attempted a relationship with was so far away from who God has ordained for me that God’s ripping the situation from my clutches was more painful than I can remember anything else being. BUT once my hands were off of it and God really showed me the person and their motives and THEIR baggage, I had the Oprah Aha! Moment. I remember asking myself early this year, “Is that really who you’d want to be the father of your children? Would you be proud to call him your husband?” And those two questions sealed the deal.
Lately, I’ve been praying that God prepare my heart to be a wife. It goes far beyond just wanting to be married. My desire to know God has increased. My desire to pray has increased. Not because I’m praying for a man but because the man that I know God has set aside for me, needs a praying wife. I find myself changing in lot of ways. From my saving habits to my housekeeping to planning ahead and the list goes on.
These habits were just things that kind of developed over time. As I started to evolve out of being broken and becoming a whole woman, my desire to be a good wife and to prepare myself NOW increased.
Now earlier I’d mentioned I wanted to elaborate on feelings arising when you hear someone’s name or see them or they hit you up on Facebook. I used to get really, really weak mainly because I never ridded myself of the person and I liked the idea of being in a relationship. Go back through some really old posts from this blog and you’ll see what I mean. I used to get so wrapped up in the thrill of it all that I almost missed what God was trying to teach me and who he was trying to give me.
It’s funny how the enemy waits for you to make a declaration so that he can build road blocks to keep you from your destination. Last week, I’d say for the last two weeks I’ve had three people that I used to date pop up. If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen this tweet but they were back to back to back. One of the men had called himself “The One for me” which I quickly shut down. Another requested to see me and I said “no” LIGHTENING fast. The last one, wanted to feel me out. To see if I’d ask about his life now. My plans for next year. I think he said he wanted to check on me. I think what was most enlightening about all three encounters was that I didn’t flinch. I didn’t pacify the situations and I didn’t act retarded and pretend it was God sending them back to me. Oh and I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve done that ☺ I guess another thing that I’ve learned to do is turn up the voice of God and tune out distractions like those three. And if you know anything about Biblical numerology that number three means a lot.
I’m not sure why I felt the need to post this. I think deep down, I’m closer than I think I am to being introduced to my forever. Closer than I realized I was. And I know God doesn’t give you your past and disguise it as your future. So in the mean time, in between time, I keep preparing and who knows…. One of these days you may get an interesting post about destiny, love, love and forever being fulfilled.
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