So it’s 4:30 a.m. on Friday, February 11, 2011. Less than 24 hours before my next birthday and Thursday was rough. I spent most of the day in tears. What with being overwhelmed about major life altering decisions I’m having to make in order to make some dreams tangible by the end of this year.
As most of the country is making some of the same adjustments, I’ve been bogged down with the idea of having to downsize tremendously in order to save money, take graduate school exams, fill out applications, get writing samples together, work on my own writing (for major publishing), and looking for a full-time job to finance it all, I couldn’t take it anymore. The school of my choice will be kept on the hush until I’ve been officially accepted but I know I’ll be leaving North Carolina early next year to make a lot of what I just listed happen.
Anyway, I spent most of yesterday sorting through my thoughts, crying, praying, crying, worrying, and thinking some more. Yes, I know. Worry and prayer don’t mix but I’m working on that.
The hours began to lapse and as infomercials began to filter in to some of my favorite networks, I became more and more restless. Wide-awake and sprawled out on the couch watching NUMB3RS (I’m not a fan but it’s the only thing that’s ever on at this hour).
So I’m lying on the couch, thinking aloud about all of things I used to say I would’ve accomplished by this birthday. I began to wallow in self-pity a bit thinking I’d failed myself and kicking myself for having shared so many of my aspirations with so many people. I mean the questions like, “Is that book published yet?” ,“Well, what’s taking so long?”, “I thought you said you wanted to be a professional writer”, kind of get to you after you hear them enough. I felt like I’d lost.
So I lay there. Mumbling to myself and my eyes widened. I remembered one recent goal I’d made for myself almost two months ago that I’d completely forgotten about.
December 25, 2010 my mother gave me a sexy red dress as one of my Christmas gifts. With all of the holiday indulgence, stress, and such, I didn’t want to try it on in front of her. Especially since one of my family members always seems to comment on my weight on Christmas Day every year without fail. I remember after they said what they said to me, I got all of my parcels, loaded them in the car and left my parent’s house in tears. I don’t usually cry this much but the last eighteen months have been a doozey.
When I got home, still in tears, I took the red dress out of its box and yanked it on. The damn thing didn’t zip. Frustrated, I text my sister and told her my dilemma, pleaded with her not to tell my mother because by my birthday I was going to get in it. Up until 4:00 a.m. on February 11, I’d forgotten all about that cute little thing. Fire red, with black rhinestone detailing around the neckline, just above the knee. The perfect dress for flirty fishnets and the perfect peep-toe booties. Lol!!!
So there I lay on the couch, eyes wide, and I jump up and grab the gift box that I’d forgotten about. I never even hung the dress in the closet. I slipped into my cute little red dress and it zipped (with a little room left in the hips).
I’m not sure why I’m sharing this but I think with how heavy (not literally lol!) I’ve felt for the past few days (and months) and the constant thought race in my mind, I forgot how rewarding tiny victories can be. I think even in that moment of standing in front of my bathroom mirror, twirling and dancing with excitement, I reminded myself that I’m capable of doing anything. No nothing is going the way I planned it but in the end with a little stick-to-itiveness and some chutzpah, all of the things I find daunting and overwhelming can be overcome one tiny victory at a time.
I think in essence, I forgot the beauty of testimony. I just wanted one. I want a story to be able to tell. I take that back, I want an amazing story to tell. It momentarily slipped my mind that amazing stories aren’t born out of minimal trial. I’m not saying I won’t cry again, or get frustrated, or maybe even want to give up. What I am saying is, my little red dress gave me some perspective. I asked God where He was today, He let me know around 4:30 this morning.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Exes, Wine Analogies, Kite Metaphors, and other random thoughts
Hey ya’ll,
Happy New Year!!!! This is indeed my first post of the year. I don’t post as often as I did when I started this blog but I still love it just the same.
So here it comes. First things first, if you’ve read at least two of my posts (from over the last three years or so) you know I have a tendency to take two or more instances or occurrences and tie them together (hence the title of this post). Second things second, many of you know that I adore the HBO comedy/drama Sex and The City and have a few posts about particular episodes. However, I’ve never posted anything about the episode I’m about to analyze. Thirdly, just listen and pay attention! ☺
Okay, last week I was watching my usual Sex and the City episodes around lunch time and I’m pretty sure I was preoccupied and half listening. The episode was entitled Ex and the City. Anyone familiar with the series knows that Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big had an on again off again relationship for the duration of the series. So much so that he married twice during their off periods. And imposed lots of vexation on Carrie because he couldn’t make the seemingly simple decision to love and be loved. Anyway, this episode happened to be during an off period and Carrie unfortunately found out that Big was engaged. Now this was after she’d attempted to turn their romance into a friendship. He just sprung it on her (over a “friendly” lunch). Of course, she flipped out, stormed out of the restaurant, and had a pity party. But shortly thereafter in the episode she was having brunch with her girlfriends and they began chopping up the idea of exes. With her head in her hands and frustration smeared all over her face, she lowered her eyes and asked, “If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?”
Although my mind was partially preoccupied, I froze and immediately became engrossed in the episode. In spite of the fact that I’d seen it several times. The episode took me back to a conversation I’d had with a close friend two weeks prior.
He and I were talking and somehow we got on the subject of relationships (as we always seem to do) and he asked me if I ever think about a particular person from my recent past. Of course, names won’t be mentioned but because he asked and I’d been keeping things to myself, I began to heave my thoughts about this person uncontrollably until I could find a way to control myself and listen to what my buddy had to say.
Before I stopped though, I said, “I just believe that our separating meant we needed to better ourselves for ourselves so that we can be wonderful for each other. It’s like wine. It gets better with time but only if it’s left alone to ferment.”
He said something that struck me as poignant. “That’s a pretty good analogy but keep in mind, when the grapes are stomped at the beginning of the process, it’s merely grape juice and nothing else. As time passes, seasons change, and fermentation begins to take hold, it’s no longer grape juice. If you want this to boomerang and come around again, expect for things to be different.” There was a pause. Then he said, “Different but better. No longer the immature version of wine or in this case, a relationship. You can’t rush it if you want it to be good.” He put great emphasis on me resisting the urge to make contact. I guess it would be like popping the cork too soon.
Lastly, he took me on a bit of an analytical rollercoaster and said, “It’s like a kite. Of course, a kite is on a string and the more you try to control it the more out of control it becomes and less beauty is seen. But when you gently release and let go, there’s beauty in what’s to follow your letting go. The wind takes over and you lose control of the thing you so desperately wanted to control.”
Sheesh, how in the world do all of these three metaphors align? Well, in Carries case she and Big ended up together. Albeit ten years and two failed marriages later but they ended up together nonetheless and with that separation came maturity and a sense of self-actualization. What they could take, what they could give, what they could tolerate, how to trust, and how to put the negative occurrences in their past behind them for the sake of a love that never went anywhere. It just got better with time. Even in their being apart.
The kite? Carrie and Big both let go and freed themselves so that the situation could mend itself while they mended themselves APART. They both stored their love in the cellars of their souls and waited to pop the cork when they were both at a place of being beneficial to each other.
This may not make any sense to anyone that reads this but if you think about it some relationships are meant to end for good and some end because you’re not the person you’re supposed to be for them RIGHT NOW. You’re simply the immature version of a fine wine. I’ve heard a lot of stories about couples that broke up and years later got back together. Maybe I’m encouraging myself and rambling to appease my thoughts and feelings.
So to answer Carrie’s question, If you love someone and you breakup, and it’s real love, the love is bottled up for safe keeping until it’s literally ready to be what it was meant to be. Not just for you but for the other person as well.
I think I answered my own question and just used Carrie as a scapegoat. ☺ Anyway, I just felt like sharing. I hope everyone has a fabulous week and when something else strikes me you all will be the first to know! Smooches!
Happy New Year!!!! This is indeed my first post of the year. I don’t post as often as I did when I started this blog but I still love it just the same.
So here it comes. First things first, if you’ve read at least two of my posts (from over the last three years or so) you know I have a tendency to take two or more instances or occurrences and tie them together (hence the title of this post). Second things second, many of you know that I adore the HBO comedy/drama Sex and The City and have a few posts about particular episodes. However, I’ve never posted anything about the episode I’m about to analyze. Thirdly, just listen and pay attention! ☺
Okay, last week I was watching my usual Sex and the City episodes around lunch time and I’m pretty sure I was preoccupied and half listening. The episode was entitled Ex and the City. Anyone familiar with the series knows that Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big had an on again off again relationship for the duration of the series. So much so that he married twice during their off periods. And imposed lots of vexation on Carrie because he couldn’t make the seemingly simple decision to love and be loved. Anyway, this episode happened to be during an off period and Carrie unfortunately found out that Big was engaged. Now this was after she’d attempted to turn their romance into a friendship. He just sprung it on her (over a “friendly” lunch). Of course, she flipped out, stormed out of the restaurant, and had a pity party. But shortly thereafter in the episode she was having brunch with her girlfriends and they began chopping up the idea of exes. With her head in her hands and frustration smeared all over her face, she lowered her eyes and asked, “If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?”
Although my mind was partially preoccupied, I froze and immediately became engrossed in the episode. In spite of the fact that I’d seen it several times. The episode took me back to a conversation I’d had with a close friend two weeks prior.
He and I were talking and somehow we got on the subject of relationships (as we always seem to do) and he asked me if I ever think about a particular person from my recent past. Of course, names won’t be mentioned but because he asked and I’d been keeping things to myself, I began to heave my thoughts about this person uncontrollably until I could find a way to control myself and listen to what my buddy had to say.
Before I stopped though, I said, “I just believe that our separating meant we needed to better ourselves for ourselves so that we can be wonderful for each other. It’s like wine. It gets better with time but only if it’s left alone to ferment.”
He said something that struck me as poignant. “That’s a pretty good analogy but keep in mind, when the grapes are stomped at the beginning of the process, it’s merely grape juice and nothing else. As time passes, seasons change, and fermentation begins to take hold, it’s no longer grape juice. If you want this to boomerang and come around again, expect for things to be different.” There was a pause. Then he said, “Different but better. No longer the immature version of wine or in this case, a relationship. You can’t rush it if you want it to be good.” He put great emphasis on me resisting the urge to make contact. I guess it would be like popping the cork too soon.
Lastly, he took me on a bit of an analytical rollercoaster and said, “It’s like a kite. Of course, a kite is on a string and the more you try to control it the more out of control it becomes and less beauty is seen. But when you gently release and let go, there’s beauty in what’s to follow your letting go. The wind takes over and you lose control of the thing you so desperately wanted to control.”
Sheesh, how in the world do all of these three metaphors align? Well, in Carries case she and Big ended up together. Albeit ten years and two failed marriages later but they ended up together nonetheless and with that separation came maturity and a sense of self-actualization. What they could take, what they could give, what they could tolerate, how to trust, and how to put the negative occurrences in their past behind them for the sake of a love that never went anywhere. It just got better with time. Even in their being apart.
The kite? Carrie and Big both let go and freed themselves so that the situation could mend itself while they mended themselves APART. They both stored their love in the cellars of their souls and waited to pop the cork when they were both at a place of being beneficial to each other.
This may not make any sense to anyone that reads this but if you think about it some relationships are meant to end for good and some end because you’re not the person you’re supposed to be for them RIGHT NOW. You’re simply the immature version of a fine wine. I’ve heard a lot of stories about couples that broke up and years later got back together. Maybe I’m encouraging myself and rambling to appease my thoughts and feelings.
So to answer Carrie’s question, If you love someone and you breakup, and it’s real love, the love is bottled up for safe keeping until it’s literally ready to be what it was meant to be. Not just for you but for the other person as well.
I think I answered my own question and just used Carrie as a scapegoat. ☺ Anyway, I just felt like sharing. I hope everyone has a fabulous week and when something else strikes me you all will be the first to know! Smooches!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Moving Forward... (2011)
I trust that we’re all enjoying the beauty of the holiday season….. I just wanted to post on last thing before 2010 was just a memory.
The title of this most consists of two words that are used mindlessly and all too frequently in corporate emails. No one really thinks about what they’re saying.
A couple Tuesday nights ago, I was in the process of conducting my last dance rehearsal of the year with my dance team of the most precious little girls in the world. Yes, I’m partial. They range from ages five to eleven and talk about being full of personality. Sheesh! I could be having the worst day and walk into our dance room and they have this way of turning it all around. I guess you can say I’m the play mama to eleven little girls. Hey, at least I can send them home.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is concerning the impending New Year. I’ve said this, as most of us have, every December 31. “This is about to be my year! Things are gonna change this year!” Yadda, yadda, yadda!
I won’t deny that we may mean it for the first few months but things happen, unfortunate relationships take place. We make some bad decisions and we wish we could redo a couple of things. We had poor judgment or used that perfect vision too late (hindsight is definitely 20/20). We can’t discount the wonderful days that found us this year either. We try our best to bottle those moments in hopes that the bad things will be obliterated by good memories.
So at the end of the year we find ourselves weighing the good and bad. What to leave behind and what lessons to carry with us into the next twelve months of promise.
I don’t know about you all but 2010 was a rough one for the kid. I mean rough but I believe it was rough for a reason. I’m hoping those reasons begin to reveal themselves shortly after midnight on January 1st. I’ve been asking God, “Why did you let them do that to me?” “Or Lawd, why don’t I have those testimonies about mysterious money falling into my mailbox.” I could go on and on and on and on……
Well, that’s where my babies come in.
In class two Tuesday’s ago, one of my youngest, five years old, raised her hand as I was giving instructions and asked, “Can I sing you a song.”
I mindlessly, almost flippantly, answered and said, “It’s not time for that right now. Remind me at the end of class.”
The end of class rolled around and of course her singing me a song had totally slipped my mind. The girls were spending the rest of class time preparing decorations for our Christmas party that weekend. She politely raised her hand and asked again, “Can I sing my song now?”
“Yes, sing your song now.” I sat in a chair close to her to better hear her tiny, little voice. She turned to me and I began to prepare myself to hear a song that Dora or The Wiggles or Hannah Montana might sing that I wouldn’t be able to get out of my head for the rest of the night. When she opened her mouth to sing to me, these are the words that fell from her lips.
Not going back I’m moving ahead
I’m here to declare to you my past is over in You
All things are made new surrendered my life to Christ
I’m moving, moving forward
(Moving Forward/Hezekiah Walker)
Yes, I was crying! I guess I gave that long story to illustrate how minimal the past really is. And how the innocence of children can make the most “complicated” adult things seem almost microscopic. The past can’t be undone but if we use the memory and the lesson effectively, it can shape our future in a positive way. I have a really old post entitle TODAY (just poke through the archives. It’s from April 2008.) but don’t waste this year thinking about time lost, what you didn’t do, who you let take advantage of you, who messed with your emotions, who lied, the job you lost, the friend that passed, the loved one that walked away without explanation. Go into this year carrying the lesson and the hope that eventually you’ll get it right and with the knowledge that, in spite of what you didn’t get…. When that clock strikes 12 on January 1, remember you got yet another chance.
I want to wish you all the most prosperous of New Years! I love you all to pieces and can’t wait to see you next year! Be good!
The title of this most consists of two words that are used mindlessly and all too frequently in corporate emails. No one really thinks about what they’re saying.
A couple Tuesday nights ago, I was in the process of conducting my last dance rehearsal of the year with my dance team of the most precious little girls in the world. Yes, I’m partial. They range from ages five to eleven and talk about being full of personality. Sheesh! I could be having the worst day and walk into our dance room and they have this way of turning it all around. I guess you can say I’m the play mama to eleven little girls. Hey, at least I can send them home.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is concerning the impending New Year. I’ve said this, as most of us have, every December 31. “This is about to be my year! Things are gonna change this year!” Yadda, yadda, yadda!
I won’t deny that we may mean it for the first few months but things happen, unfortunate relationships take place. We make some bad decisions and we wish we could redo a couple of things. We had poor judgment or used that perfect vision too late (hindsight is definitely 20/20). We can’t discount the wonderful days that found us this year either. We try our best to bottle those moments in hopes that the bad things will be obliterated by good memories.
So at the end of the year we find ourselves weighing the good and bad. What to leave behind and what lessons to carry with us into the next twelve months of promise.
I don’t know about you all but 2010 was a rough one for the kid. I mean rough but I believe it was rough for a reason. I’m hoping those reasons begin to reveal themselves shortly after midnight on January 1st. I’ve been asking God, “Why did you let them do that to me?” “Or Lawd, why don’t I have those testimonies about mysterious money falling into my mailbox.” I could go on and on and on and on……
Well, that’s where my babies come in.
In class two Tuesday’s ago, one of my youngest, five years old, raised her hand as I was giving instructions and asked, “Can I sing you a song.”
I mindlessly, almost flippantly, answered and said, “It’s not time for that right now. Remind me at the end of class.”
The end of class rolled around and of course her singing me a song had totally slipped my mind. The girls were spending the rest of class time preparing decorations for our Christmas party that weekend. She politely raised her hand and asked again, “Can I sing my song now?”
“Yes, sing your song now.” I sat in a chair close to her to better hear her tiny, little voice. She turned to me and I began to prepare myself to hear a song that Dora or The Wiggles or Hannah Montana might sing that I wouldn’t be able to get out of my head for the rest of the night. When she opened her mouth to sing to me, these are the words that fell from her lips.
Not going back I’m moving ahead
I’m here to declare to you my past is over in You
All things are made new surrendered my life to Christ
I’m moving, moving forward
(Moving Forward/Hezekiah Walker)
Yes, I was crying! I guess I gave that long story to illustrate how minimal the past really is. And how the innocence of children can make the most “complicated” adult things seem almost microscopic. The past can’t be undone but if we use the memory and the lesson effectively, it can shape our future in a positive way. I have a really old post entitle TODAY (just poke through the archives. It’s from April 2008.) but don’t waste this year thinking about time lost, what you didn’t do, who you let take advantage of you, who messed with your emotions, who lied, the job you lost, the friend that passed, the loved one that walked away without explanation. Go into this year carrying the lesson and the hope that eventually you’ll get it right and with the knowledge that, in spite of what you didn’t get…. When that clock strikes 12 on January 1, remember you got yet another chance.
I want to wish you all the most prosperous of New Years! I love you all to pieces and can’t wait to see you next year! Be good!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Soul Mates Revisited
“You only get one. Two tops.”
“One what?”
"True love.”
“True love my a**, man. Love is what you make and with whom you make it. That’s it.”
“Yeah, well. I think I messed up twice. You’d think by now I’d have a little more insight. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what to think….”
“THAT, my friend, is your problem right there. Physics this sh*t ain’t. It ain’t supposed to make sense. Love. Passion. It is what it is.”
Anyone who’s heard this conversation knows that it comes from one of my favorite movies, Love Jones. As many times as I’ve watched the movie and recited the script blow for blow, this discourse stood out to me last night and I began to think.
At first, I began to recant some statements that I’d made in a post a few months back. If you don’t remember, it had to do with the topic of soul mates and a question a friend raised to me about the possibility of such a thing. I don’t know, I think I began to straddle the fence and began hanging more on the side of Darius (the one struggling with having lost the second woman he’d ever loved).
Is it true? Do we only have one (two tops) opportunities in our lifetime to experience the pristine occurance of falling in love and falling hard? The more I thought about it, the more I believe it to be true. Yes, a lifetime is a long time but when it comes to building something lasting with someone, it’s not that long at all. So, if my hypothesis is correct, I guess the idea of a soul mate isn’t that farfetched.
Who knows, a soul mate and a true love could very well be two different things, which could turn this post into another discussion in itself.
But maybe, just maybe…..
What if the heavens opened up and dropped someone wonderful in your life. Like the piece to jigsaw puzzle, it was kismet. Not perfect but you’re perfect for each other.
Now, in Darius’ case, he allowed true love to slip through his fingers because of selfishness and a lack of willingness to work. And granted love is work. Hard work. I always say, it’s easy to fall in love, but staying is the hard part. If you haven’t seen the movie, a year passes and he gets her back. Typical Hollywood ending.
Now I can also relate to Ed’s argument. It’s not rocket science. “Love is what you make and with whom you make it.”
I think both arguments can be married in a sense. You fall in love but it has to be nurtured. Who knows? I’m just “spit balling” or “shootin’ from the hip.” I think it’s a pretty good question though.
I guess my main question is: Are soul mates and true loves synonymous or two entirely different entities?
“One what?”
"True love.”
“True love my a**, man. Love is what you make and with whom you make it. That’s it.”
“Yeah, well. I think I messed up twice. You’d think by now I’d have a little more insight. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what to think….”
“THAT, my friend, is your problem right there. Physics this sh*t ain’t. It ain’t supposed to make sense. Love. Passion. It is what it is.”
Anyone who’s heard this conversation knows that it comes from one of my favorite movies, Love Jones. As many times as I’ve watched the movie and recited the script blow for blow, this discourse stood out to me last night and I began to think.
At first, I began to recant some statements that I’d made in a post a few months back. If you don’t remember, it had to do with the topic of soul mates and a question a friend raised to me about the possibility of such a thing. I don’t know, I think I began to straddle the fence and began hanging more on the side of Darius (the one struggling with having lost the second woman he’d ever loved).
Is it true? Do we only have one (two tops) opportunities in our lifetime to experience the pristine occurance of falling in love and falling hard? The more I thought about it, the more I believe it to be true. Yes, a lifetime is a long time but when it comes to building something lasting with someone, it’s not that long at all. So, if my hypothesis is correct, I guess the idea of a soul mate isn’t that farfetched.
Who knows, a soul mate and a true love could very well be two different things, which could turn this post into another discussion in itself.
But maybe, just maybe…..
What if the heavens opened up and dropped someone wonderful in your life. Like the piece to jigsaw puzzle, it was kismet. Not perfect but you’re perfect for each other.
Now, in Darius’ case, he allowed true love to slip through his fingers because of selfishness and a lack of willingness to work. And granted love is work. Hard work. I always say, it’s easy to fall in love, but staying is the hard part. If you haven’t seen the movie, a year passes and he gets her back. Typical Hollywood ending.
Now I can also relate to Ed’s argument. It’s not rocket science. “Love is what you make and with whom you make it.”
I think both arguments can be married in a sense. You fall in love but it has to be nurtured. Who knows? I’m just “spit balling” or “shootin’ from the hip.” I think it’s a pretty good question though.
I guess my main question is: Are soul mates and true loves synonymous or two entirely different entities?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Love's Timetable
Love’s Timeline
An interesting summer it’s been. So much so that my approach to love and love politics has drastically changed. The next series of blog posts will be along the lines of LOVE (which is nothing new), love’s timing, love’s appropriateness, and whatever else keeps me tossing and turning throughout the night. These days, slumberless hours are commonplace.
One of the topics that has me by the reigns right now is love’s timing. Yeah, that’s what I said. Believe me, I never thought I’d question such a thing but lately I’ve begun to wonder. Does love ever have bad timing?
It kind of makes sense when you think enough about it.
But to reiterate the question at hand, does love have a tendency to have bad timing? Ashley, what in the world does that mean? How can love have bad timing?
Just think about it. You’re in a position that isn’t favorable for loving another person. You’re tied up with certain life issues, situations, isms, and schisms that have you bound in a way that loving someone else [right now] seems to be too much….
Let me give you all a scenario.
You’re going about your day-to-day as you always have. Life isn’t the best but you’ve promised yourself and the people in your life that you’re going to work through all these “things” before you consider yourself and your own happiness. What we like to call the “brave front.” Then one day you happen to meet someone. Neither of you is looking to date or have a partner but you hit it off. Because both of you have a lot going on, you resolve to remain friends until things blow over (however long that may take). Friendship proves to break down some emotional barriers. You learn a lot about each other - internally and externally – and feelings begin to flourish. Before you know it, love has lugged all it’s baggage into your heart’s front door and you’re feeling things and wanting things that – for a period – you never thought you’d have. Everything is perfect. They may not be perfect but they’re perfect for you. But time….. time is a funny thing. You’re both put in a position to weigh what’s going to happen. If circumstances are extenuating enough, one or both of you has mapped out the next few years (before having met each other) and you or they were never on the map. All that love stuff was supposed to come later. When life slowed down , thinking was easier, and weights weren’t perpetually on your shoulders. So, now what?
There’s a rift. Breaks are pumped. Tires screech and feelings are capped tightly forced to be stunted. Everything wonderful comes to a screeching halt. “Let’s just figure this out. This is too much right now.” Things have to change quickly because this wasn’t in the plan. Time apart? Probably a good idea but love continues to grow. As the saying goes, “Absence makes the heart grow…. Fonder.” So, how do you keep things in perspective? This isn’t wrong but it’s totally not…. On time. The right timetable, so to speak.
I guess my second question would be, if love’s timing is off and you consent to taking time to figure it all out, is it worth the wait or should you keep it moving? Waiting, however, doesn’t imply standing completely still but more or less, living your lives separately until you can live harmoniously together. I know what I think but really want to know what you all think.
Can love have bad timing? And if so, if that love is earthquaking enough, is it worth the wait?
An interesting summer it’s been. So much so that my approach to love and love politics has drastically changed. The next series of blog posts will be along the lines of LOVE (which is nothing new), love’s timing, love’s appropriateness, and whatever else keeps me tossing and turning throughout the night. These days, slumberless hours are commonplace.
One of the topics that has me by the reigns right now is love’s timing. Yeah, that’s what I said. Believe me, I never thought I’d question such a thing but lately I’ve begun to wonder. Does love ever have bad timing?
It kind of makes sense when you think enough about it.
But to reiterate the question at hand, does love have a tendency to have bad timing? Ashley, what in the world does that mean? How can love have bad timing?
Just think about it. You’re in a position that isn’t favorable for loving another person. You’re tied up with certain life issues, situations, isms, and schisms that have you bound in a way that loving someone else [right now] seems to be too much….
Let me give you all a scenario.
You’re going about your day-to-day as you always have. Life isn’t the best but you’ve promised yourself and the people in your life that you’re going to work through all these “things” before you consider yourself and your own happiness. What we like to call the “brave front.” Then one day you happen to meet someone. Neither of you is looking to date or have a partner but you hit it off. Because both of you have a lot going on, you resolve to remain friends until things blow over (however long that may take). Friendship proves to break down some emotional barriers. You learn a lot about each other - internally and externally – and feelings begin to flourish. Before you know it, love has lugged all it’s baggage into your heart’s front door and you’re feeling things and wanting things that – for a period – you never thought you’d have. Everything is perfect. They may not be perfect but they’re perfect for you. But time….. time is a funny thing. You’re both put in a position to weigh what’s going to happen. If circumstances are extenuating enough, one or both of you has mapped out the next few years (before having met each other) and you or they were never on the map. All that love stuff was supposed to come later. When life slowed down , thinking was easier, and weights weren’t perpetually on your shoulders. So, now what?
There’s a rift. Breaks are pumped. Tires screech and feelings are capped tightly forced to be stunted. Everything wonderful comes to a screeching halt. “Let’s just figure this out. This is too much right now.” Things have to change quickly because this wasn’t in the plan. Time apart? Probably a good idea but love continues to grow. As the saying goes, “Absence makes the heart grow…. Fonder.” So, how do you keep things in perspective? This isn’t wrong but it’s totally not…. On time. The right timetable, so to speak.
I guess my second question would be, if love’s timing is off and you consent to taking time to figure it all out, is it worth the wait or should you keep it moving? Waiting, however, doesn’t imply standing completely still but more or less, living your lives separately until you can live harmoniously together. I know what I think but really want to know what you all think.
Can love have bad timing? And if so, if that love is earthquaking enough, is it worth the wait?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Unfit to Wed - Why Did You Get Married?
Hello my beautiful readers (if you're still reading this blog - lol!!!),
As you can see I only write when something really poignant grips me or makes me think tremendously and the last couple of weeks have been interesting and trying. I've learned some interesting things about myself, about life, a lot about love, and about how complicated the simplest things can be. I spend a lot of time in my head and it can be a pretty dangerous place. With the way that things have gone emotionally for the past few weeks, I'll be writing a lot more so you guys (hopefully) will be reading some more.
What am I thinking about right now?
I've found myself over the last couple of months repeating to myself and to a few significant people the same phrases over and over. "I know what I have to offer." Or I'll preface sentences with, "As a woman with a strong desire to be married...." I started thinking about that and the fact that I think I'm a pretty good catch. I know that I would make someone a wonderful wife. Not just with the given physical benefits of living under the same roof but with supporting and loving my husband, fighting for him, loving him some more, maintaining a house, cooking, taking care of babies, basically the 24 hour job that a wife takes on when she says "I do." I've come to realize that that's what "I do" means. I do and do and do and do. lol!!!! But I digress.
With the willingness that I've found in myself to be a good wife (this isn't to say that I don't have flaws) but with that willingness, I find so many women unwilling to do all the things I've listed and somehow, wind up with wonderful men. Dedicated men that love their families and stick it out for the sake of that.... FAMILY. With the knowledge that broken homes are difficult places to live.
Why is that? Or is it just me? Am the only one that sees this kind of thing a little more frequently everyday? Men that don't want to go home but have to because they made a promise and because they need to keep a sense of normalcy for the children.
Women that don't speak a positive word to the men they married. Women too independent to do laundry or pick up a pot and boil some spaghetti. Women whose priorities far exceed their address and being at home (especially at a decent hour) is too much to ask. Why is that?
I would venture to ask why the men stick it out but I've already answered that question.
My mother was just on the phone with my brother a moment ago and I was in a different room. She speaks loudly so no matter where I am, I'm always in earshot. lol!!!! But from her tone over the phone I could tell he was upset. She said, "Let me tell you somethin'. Any woman that doesn't adhere to the basic duties of a wife and taking care of her husband's needs, should've never married in the first place." Of course we live in a new era of family but I'm a little old school as far as this topic is concerned.
Granted, people get married for the wrong reasons and I know once children are thrown in the mix things get far more complicated but is there a right way to end a bad thing?
As you can see I only write when something really poignant grips me or makes me think tremendously and the last couple of weeks have been interesting and trying. I've learned some interesting things about myself, about life, a lot about love, and about how complicated the simplest things can be. I spend a lot of time in my head and it can be a pretty dangerous place. With the way that things have gone emotionally for the past few weeks, I'll be writing a lot more so you guys (hopefully) will be reading some more.
What am I thinking about right now?
I've found myself over the last couple of months repeating to myself and to a few significant people the same phrases over and over. "I know what I have to offer." Or I'll preface sentences with, "As a woman with a strong desire to be married...." I started thinking about that and the fact that I think I'm a pretty good catch. I know that I would make someone a wonderful wife. Not just with the given physical benefits of living under the same roof but with supporting and loving my husband, fighting for him, loving him some more, maintaining a house, cooking, taking care of babies, basically the 24 hour job that a wife takes on when she says "I do." I've come to realize that that's what "I do" means. I do and do and do and do. lol!!!! But I digress.
With the willingness that I've found in myself to be a good wife (this isn't to say that I don't have flaws) but with that willingness, I find so many women unwilling to do all the things I've listed and somehow, wind up with wonderful men. Dedicated men that love their families and stick it out for the sake of that.... FAMILY. With the knowledge that broken homes are difficult places to live.
Why is that? Or is it just me? Am the only one that sees this kind of thing a little more frequently everyday? Men that don't want to go home but have to because they made a promise and because they need to keep a sense of normalcy for the children.
Women that don't speak a positive word to the men they married. Women too independent to do laundry or pick up a pot and boil some spaghetti. Women whose priorities far exceed their address and being at home (especially at a decent hour) is too much to ask. Why is that?
I would venture to ask why the men stick it out but I've already answered that question.
My mother was just on the phone with my brother a moment ago and I was in a different room. She speaks loudly so no matter where I am, I'm always in earshot. lol!!!! But from her tone over the phone I could tell he was upset. She said, "Let me tell you somethin'. Any woman that doesn't adhere to the basic duties of a wife and taking care of her husband's needs, should've never married in the first place." Of course we live in a new era of family but I'm a little old school as far as this topic is concerned.
Granted, people get married for the wrong reasons and I know once children are thrown in the mix things get far more complicated but is there a right way to end a bad thing?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Soul Mates?
Good morning you guys! I've been on break from dating and even giving my phone number to anyone for a few months. I guess out of the frustration and disappointment of empty promises and relationships on roads to nowhere, I needed some me time. Serial dating had caused me to literally forget my desires for dating. What I wanted out of it or rather who. The break's over (lol) as of very recently but I'm leery and a lot more careful than I used to be.
One thing this testosterone hiatus has given me is bifocals and a hearing aide. I feel I've matured a great deal and my senses have been heightened in a positive way. I know what I don't want but I really know what do want. I can honestly say that I never really did know what I wanted. I knew what sounded good though.
I guess I've said all of that to say that a friend of mine (male) sent me a message this morning. He was on his way to the gym and said that he was thinking about this concept and wanted my insight. I felt so important! (lol). I've edited some of what he said and left the meat of the question. Here goes...
Q: Before I go, let me drop this on you, I'm kicking around this thought in my head about the term "soul mate" wanted to get your take on that. I mean, have you every encountered one? Do you believe it exists?
A: Good morning. Yet another incredible question that I do think a lot about but never really discussed with anyone. (I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy lol) I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to glue the concept together. But in all honesty I do and don't believe they exist. I guess I can begin with why I believe: Well I think once you've fallen in love, really in love. Sickening, selflessly in love, you couldn't see yourself with anyone else. Nothing else matters. The end of the world is your destination and you couldn't see being without your "one true love". They have to be your soul mate. At least that's what the hysteria and irrationality of being in love tells us. But then something happens and we maybe get hurt, love begins to dissolve, and we see things we don't want to see. Who we thought was our soul mate isn't anymore. Which leads me to reasoning why they don't exist: Love is work and I believe it takes falling in love for real AGAIN to really know that. The first time (I can only speak from my experience) you're a buzz with emotion and the notion that "love conquers all" is misconstrued and you think you don't have to put forth the effort to make it last. Love takes care of itself. So I guess what I'm saying is "soul mates" are partly kismet and the other part is strictly what the two people make of their meeting and if they really want their souls to mate and stay together.
So what do you all think? Is a soul mate a soap opera fantasy or are our relationships really things we have to work for?
I hope to hear from you all soon! Love ya!
One thing this testosterone hiatus has given me is bifocals and a hearing aide. I feel I've matured a great deal and my senses have been heightened in a positive way. I know what I don't want but I really know what do want. I can honestly say that I never really did know what I wanted. I knew what sounded good though.
I guess I've said all of that to say that a friend of mine (male) sent me a message this morning. He was on his way to the gym and said that he was thinking about this concept and wanted my insight. I felt so important! (lol). I've edited some of what he said and left the meat of the question. Here goes...
Q: Before I go, let me drop this on you, I'm kicking around this thought in my head about the term "soul mate" wanted to get your take on that. I mean, have you every encountered one? Do you believe it exists?
A: Good morning. Yet another incredible question that I do think a lot about but never really discussed with anyone. (I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy lol) I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to glue the concept together. But in all honesty I do and don't believe they exist. I guess I can begin with why I believe: Well I think once you've fallen in love, really in love. Sickening, selflessly in love, you couldn't see yourself with anyone else. Nothing else matters. The end of the world is your destination and you couldn't see being without your "one true love". They have to be your soul mate. At least that's what the hysteria and irrationality of being in love tells us. But then something happens and we maybe get hurt, love begins to dissolve, and we see things we don't want to see. Who we thought was our soul mate isn't anymore. Which leads me to reasoning why they don't exist: Love is work and I believe it takes falling in love for real AGAIN to really know that. The first time (I can only speak from my experience) you're a buzz with emotion and the notion that "love conquers all" is misconstrued and you think you don't have to put forth the effort to make it last. Love takes care of itself. So I guess what I'm saying is "soul mates" are partly kismet and the other part is strictly what the two people make of their meeting and if they really want their souls to mate and stay together.
So what do you all think? Is a soul mate a soap opera fantasy or are our relationships really things we have to work for?
I hope to hear from you all soon! Love ya!
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